Therapist downplaying antisemitic experiences

[Brightlyshining]

If this was a new therapist then it would be a lot easier, just leave. But this is a therapist I’ve been seeing for several years on and off. I’ve always trusted her and felt very safe and like she really supported me.

So last week, I told her about two things that’ve happened in the past, including one where a random bloke walked up to me in a public place from out of nowhere and suddenly started ranting about things happening in Gaza. I felt like she was trying to explain it away and how there’s lots of opinionated people about and it wasn’t that weird. I can’t say I remember any other political matters in which random individuals have come up to me in public for no reason.

This is a person I’ve known and trusted for years and is suddenly coming out with this stuff. I don’t know what to do. If it was a new therapist I’d just leave, but I’ve known her for years and I’m quite shocked. I’ve talked about antisemitism in a more general way before but never in such detail. What do I do now?

Did she show any compassion at all when you told her about those experiences? I don't think I'd be able to brush that off and would probably look for another therapist. Or perhaps email her to explain how she made you feel, and make a decision based on her response.

That’s a good question. I think so. I brought up antisemitism because there’s been a huge increase recently, and she was saying in a general way that we can’t let these people win, and that most people aren’t like that, and that people do intervene if they see something in public? But as soon as I gave her a concrete example she started explaining it away somehow. I’m a bit shocked as she’s someone who I’ve always seen as being on my side when other people aren’t.

She seems to have had a positive influence on your life until now, so perhaps you could give her one further chance? In your next session return to the issue though and see if there's a shift in her reaction. She'll have had time now to think about her reaction and decide if she should have responded differently. So put that to the test. If it's a similar mealy-mouthed or dismissive response then I'd suggest trying to find another therapist.

I think I will have to bring it up again, which is scary, because I’ve never had to have that sort of conversation with her. I mean I’ve politely disagreed with a couple of things she’d said here and there, but this is different.

Last time I left therapy it took a couple of months of discussion before I got the courage to leave. It would be far scarier to just suddenly leave. I know some people just say they end it by email, or even just stop turning up, but I’m not that sort of person.

It probably doesn’t help that I have talked a lot in the past about how I’m never sure if I count as a visually Jewish person or not, other people’s opinions tend to be 50/50 if I do or not, but, importantly, it does vary with what part of town you’re in, or what your workplace is like etc. But I am absolutely firm that the incident I mentioned was antisemitic.

Oh dear honey that was a weird way for a councillor to act from what you are saying. I am wondering if after she had talked a bit about it supportly like you seem to say. She then decided to try and say stuff to make you worry less or not feel anxious about it. However she cocked up and it all came out of her mouth wrong. I don't know I wasn't there but could that be a possibility?

I would definitely talk to her about it again. Maybe start by talking about the incident again. See what she is like know she has had time to reflect on what you both said before. See what she says know. Then definitely explain to her how the first reaction made you feel.

As for the incident itself I am so sorry this happened to you. Some nasty idiots at the moment that normally are in a cave somewhere eating their own toenails.

Stay strong and hugs💐

Was she trying to do a version of the "You see someone you know, and you wave and smile, but they don't respond. Why do you think they did that?" thing? Depersonalising the other's response to you - it's about them, not you.

People are often oblivious to racism that does not affect them negatively. So she may have been trying to depersonalise the antisemitism, without understanding that it still affects you even if not directed at you personally.

Or perhaps she was embarrassed by it, and forgot her professionalism in her hurry to convince you that she wasn't antisemitic.

People do do that. It's weird. I just want them to stop going on about it. Don't they realise that the more they try to convince me, the more prejudiced they appear? Just leave it be already.

I still haven’t decided what to do. Should I actually take it up with her and say that I thought she was dismissing my experiences? Or, should I just bring up the antisemitism issue more normally in conversation and see how she reacts?

I reckon try the latter. Return to the same issue you brought up last time and judge the situation by her reaction. If she is similarly dismissive I think at that point you either explicitly express how she's making you feel, including your concern about continuing with her, or just walk away quietly and find a new therapist (or if not quietly, perhaps send her an email explaining why).

If I was in your position, I would change therapist. She is minimising your experience. Many years ago I worked with someone one who was labelled as delusional and paranoid when he spoke his experience of antisemitism in Russia.

I'm not currently in therapy, but when I was, I deliberately chose a Jewish (and female) therapist. While lots of my friends and even my husband are not Jewish, I knew it was such a critical part of who I am that a non-Jewish therapist couldn't ever really understand.

I'm sorry as I know this doesn't help you decide how to move forward now. But I think your experience, which is horrible and must have been upsetting, suggests why.

Should I actually take it up with her and say that I thought she was dismissing my experiences?

I would do this, or a version of it. Explain how her comments made you feel. Tell her you were shocked, that's what you told us. If she responds by being defensive or by continuing to explain it away, that will tell you what you need to know. Therapy is not much use if you can't be honest with your therapist.

Yeah I definitely chose a female therapist for that reason. I didn’t go out of my way to find a Jewish one because I didn’t think it was central to my story, especially as I’m not public about it a lot of the time. But then this makes it become an issue, because I’m hiding things in order to be treated normally, and sometimes wonder if I can trust certain people, or if people know or not etc.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I’ll let you know what happens.