Does wealth cause a disconnect with people?

[mids2019]

We are doing moderately well with a net worth of £1.4 million. In the West Midlands (house,pensions,investments) in our very early 50s. We had about a £60K growth in one of our funds last year and our financial advisor seems to be getting 10-12% returns on investments pa regularly.

In do feel now it's difficult to talk about money with friends and people we know in the same town (a little down trodden on general) as some of them have real money troubles and the cost of living crisis is really biting. When do missions get round to money we stay diplomatically silent and remain vague about wealth and financil goals to not needlessly antagonize people.

Does anyone feel the same and do they tend to discuss investment etc. with those with similar amounts?

Sorry did Haskins above.....

You never really know how much or how little anyone else has. You also never really know if they got it through luck, inheritance, hard work or being right place, right time. Therefore why would you need to discuss investments anyway? Can’t you just read the financial news and money sections and chat in online forums instead? I once lived on a super wealthy road because my partner was super wealthy (like many, bank of mum and dad) and the neighbours were the most boring people I’ve ever met - they were itching to discuss investments and their net worth at every given opportunity. I avoided them like the plague.

Good point.

We do not have rich friends and our town is not wealthy on average. I just find that sometimes your general chat with friends inevitbaly leads to mention of money in some form. There is a just an awkward silence at some point when people mention monetary woes.

we also ironically don't spend a great deal on luxury cars etc. To not stand out.

I don’t really find it comes up in usual conversation too much. Maybe a friend has had a promotion so will talk about a pay rise, there’ll be a general moan about the rise in petrol/energy/food prices or wistful chat about winning the lottery. Otherwise we’ve got way more interesting things to chat about.
Family and close friends know we had a windfall, but nobody actually knows the full details. We’ve helped people out and pay for bits and bobs but nobody treats us any differently. We still have to fight our parents to pay the bill for meals out etc, my parents still give us £20 for a drink when they babysit like they used to when we were skint young parents.

I have no idea of most of my friends’ financial status. As you say, outward trappings of wealth like new cars and holidays, may not be how they choose to spend, or may be funded on credit/debt. I’m comfortable too (though not as ‘comfortable’ as you) - my main feeling is gratitude, and I keep
my mouth shut.

I really like finance as a topic and the psychology of choices but I'm in a similar position to you so have to avoid it.

You can't even discuss online with strangers now without being accused of bragging.

We are similar in the west midlands. But we don't really talk about it- but are at least 10 years younger than you- 1.4million net worth without adding my pension into the pot (I have 2 including a generous NHS pension). We keep our mouths shut- or we equally complain about cost of living- as we don't dip into the pot- as it's for retirement..... (Think I will have to retire early due to hubby's health), and retiring at 50ish needs careful planning!!!

There is a just an awkward silence at some point when people mention monetary woes

Just have a set answer like "yes, the cost of living is crackers isn't it'.

I don't think I've ever had a conversation about investments with anyone. How much/many of anything a person has isn't really of interest to other people surely.

There is a just an awkward silence at some point when people mention monetary woes

Why is there an awkward silence? You can talk about monetary woes without having to discuss your net worth. Just a simple 'life is so expensive now' or similar will do.

I am semi-retired, and have a part time job in a cafe two days a week, on minimum wage. I do this job to keep me busy, and to pay for a holiday or two. But most of the staff are full time on minimum wage - it doesn't mean that I can't discuss their money woes with them if they raise the subject - I usually in these cases just empathise and comment on the cost of living etc.

I get it. I really do. I come from a poor background. I’m have much more financial
security in adulthood, due to combination of hard work and luck (I definitely consider good health luck be sure without it you can’t work). My work means one day I’m in the room with HNWIs (sometimes billionaires) and the next day I’m in the room with the poorest in society. I flex my conversation around money accordingly. There are times when I feel guilty I have more than others, there are times when I despair at the inequality of wealth that is mostly unearned and due to luck of birth. But mostly, I concentrate on ensuring I empathise with anyone mentioning money worries.

Lol at "doing moderately well". I find it best not to discuss money at all apart from in an abstract way.

I guess it depends how much you allow wealth to influence the people you connect with, and the manner in which you do so. My relationships are based on values, not worth.

I have one friend who I do discuss finances with because we're both broadly in the same camp and we exchange investment ideas, compare notes and so on. We were room mates at boarding school from age 9, so have never had secrets from each other. Nobody else outside my family has the slightest idea how much I'm worth - it's considerably more than OP - and if they tried to guess based on my appearance or lifestyle they'd almost certainly get it horribly wrong. Money just isn't a big part of the relationships we have with people we like, never has been, and it seems to be mutual.

We also know quite a few, mainly other parents at DCs school, who do seem rather fond of making visible displays of wealth (or debt, I imagine in many cases). Some are very down to earth, but others definitely look down on us and make little attempt to hide it. One or two are quite deliberate about it.

A couple of years ago we fitted solar panels to our roof. It's easy to get an online quote for that from Octopus or E.ON and pay for it with interest free vendor finance, but last year we also had airconditioning fitted throughout. This week the DC have been bouncing into school nice and refreshed after cool nights' sleep and have obviously mentioned it, because we've had several people ask how much it cost us. There have been some raised eyebrows, to say the very least.

I think its ok to discuss in an abstract way. People who sit bragging about how much they have is boring. I tend to brag about monetary things when I've got a bargain!

Same - there are very few people I’d discuss investments with and these are people with similar sized homes and similar level jobs who I know like to save.
However not being able to discuss your investments shouldn’t mean the end of a long friendship.

I don't think it has to but I do sometimes adapt my choices or conversations depending who I am talking to, trying to avoid bragging. I do talk about S&S ISAs, or SIPPs/Pensions etc if people ask. I share that I've got an interest in certain books or podcasts on my social media so people will know I'm interested if they wanted to bring it up.

I also share different food costings that friends have asked me about or i've done, cos I like taste tests and comparing brands etc and tv shows that do that.

I know some friends are in debt and some are mortgage and debt free; some have children and domestic are child free; I know their jobs etc. You can have an idea but never really know what's happening in someone's bank.

I might let others suggest dinner venues or trip locations/lengths etc hoping they are offering financially comfortable options for themselves.

Why would you want to talk about money? Surely that is between you and your accountant. It is utterly boring for everyone else, and can only come across as either gloating or begging.

Find something more interesting to talk about.

Talking about money is crass I agree but a general conversation in my opinion can include something about money......often about how to manage cost of living or holidays etc. We are not extravagant and I think that is partly to fit in as if being more open with money might endanger friendships simply because of a lack of joint perspective.

I think here is a political/economic element as well as with investments you don't actually do labour for the money. We have a friend who is a nurse and our yearly investment gain was twice her salary. Of course we don't mention it as I think there is a genuine philosophical argument about fairness (I don't make the rules though)

Just say nothing op. Why would you need to discuss your investments? The only person I ever discuss net worth with is DH, my friends and family have no idea. Most probably, like PP, assume I’m in debt! When people say times are tight, simply agree, because even you must have noticed prices rising?

I don't discuss money with anyone except my husband. If a friend has money left to them or enjoys a financial stroke of luck, I'm very happy for them and will say so but, on the whole, I don't understand why anyone would discuss their financial situation with anyone else.

Who is your financial adviser? We're looking to switch 😆

And no of course you don’t say to your Nurse friend that you make twice as much as she does for sitting on your ass! Good lord op, that is common sense. You discuss how much more expensive things are, you bemoan the cost of holidays/life, you nod along. It really isn’t difficult because I very much doubt anyone has ever said “how much money have you got and how did you make it and where is it invested?”

Some of my friends are living hand to mouth pay cheque to pay cheque and there is a definite disparity. Two of us in our group are millionaires but we have many other things to chat about so it’s not a spoken issue . The other well off lady is less discreet than me and will discuss her Rolex needing a service and her month in the Caribbean holidays or post pictures on fb of her new Mercedes etc etc . I myself am uncomfortable with that knowing others can’t afford anything similar . Every time we go out it is geared to a cheap restaurant or another cheap activity so we know everyone can afford it . I do have other friends who I can go out with to enjoy
‘ finer restaurants’ etc but I don’t really tell the other friends where I go . I don’t feel the need to . I enjoy their company and accept their financial limitations and I have richer friends for when I want to do pricier things . It’s that thing about having friends for all occasions .

I think here is a political/economic element as well as with investments you don't actually do labour for the money. We have a friend who is a nurse and our yearly investment gain was twice her salary. Of course we don't mention it as I think there is a genuine philosophical argument about fairness (I don't make the rules though)

Yes, I wouldn’t even consider mentioning this. Just don’t say anything ever to anyone about investments, except your partner and any finance professionals. Whether they have more or less than you, it’s uncomfortable and also boring.

I mean, I manage to have great friendships across the full range of the wealth spectrum (from people so wealthy they would spend more than your entire net wealth on a new holiday house on a whim, to people genuinely scraping by)

I just don't see how you are so unable prevent this getting in the way of your friendships? And you can go on an expensive holiday without needing to tell people who much it cost/drop hints to make it clear it was expensive

I disagree that talking about money is necessarily boring, but I think you have to judge the time and place accordingly! I have a degree in Economics and manage a family trust fund and our own investments, and I'm interested in discussing with friends in similar positions the implications of tax changes, or pension rules etc. One good friend and I have great discussions!

But you can do it in abstract terms - you don't have to divulge your exact ££ amounts.