Am I over reacting??
Now married 11 years.
Soon after marriage there were certain events which took place which took me back a little then I felt I was over reacting so I let it go. However these events took place again and it has over time made me feel so insecure now that I have two kids I feel like my kindness and naivety is being taken advantage of. OR I’m clearly over thinking things?
I'll explain the events and please can you tell me whether I'm over thinking this, will me an my babies be financially safe.
We moved in with parents when we first got married and then brought a house 2 years later however my husband never put my name on the house and I asked why and he just said He can't because I'm a first time buyer. I got worried so said I'm not going anywhere because I have no security so will not take a move where I don't feel secure. He then transferred a flat he had on his name to me to release cash to buy our first home. But still didn’t put my name on the family house.
I then paid the mortgage on the family house for 3 years plus some bills. He contributed but at a minimum, which I then thought, fair enough I haven't contributed much towards the house and this may be one means of paying my share. After my first child he put my name on our house so all good.
Then he decided to make a big investment in another property when I was pregnant with my second child. He put his parents and his name onto this investment but not mine. (Bearing in mind I’ve gone from a high flyer job to a part time job due to becoming a mum and have taken a significant cut in my salary so there is no way I can secure my future for a long time) I asked why and he said it's a "business" investment not family investment! I was shocked because I believed we were going to do this together, we have a child and we need to build our future together but this didn't happen and I was really upset at the time but I couldnt speak to him properly because he becomes very awkward when i speak of finances and I didn’t want trouble or didn’t want to stop him from living his dreams! So I let it go and supported him.
However this investment took over our lives - 2 years on and we are now at the tail end, financially and emotionally exhausted. In which time my second baby has turned 2, with no help from him, I’ve supported household spend, nursery fees and all childcare cost (which he has never put a penny towards) and worked 3days a week. I've emotionally and financially invested so much into supporting him and this project. I had to arrange my own child care he doesn't want to be involved although he said he was going to help 1 day a week which he soon backed out of because work pressure increased on his side. I supported him so much through the whole process regardless of the fact I was going through the toughest time in my life. Two small babies, the emotional and physical change, working to keep the household afloat and still stood by him to give him strength.
But I feel he has started to lie to me about things, he started coming home really late. Some weeks the children would not even see him, I can’t get through to him on his mobile and one day all of a sudden he turned up home and said he's off on holiday with the boys when my youngest was only 6 months. I don't ever want to stop him from doing anything but I didn't expect him to tell me once he booked his tickets and be inconsiderate of the family situation.
It’s as if he forgot to tell me and we were an after thought. And few months later he did the same thing again, but told me 3 days before he was flying out! What is this??
I went through depression with all this going on as I felt so vulnerable and told him I’m having anxiety attacks because he would not be back until late and would not communicate his whereabouts! I was concerned because I knew he was under stress too but I felt he listened and the following day behaved exactly the same!
I just feel that these things are making me suspicious, he’s loosing my trust and I find it really disrespectful that he’s not factoring me and the kids in his life choices. As if he’s forgotten he even has a family. And we have done so much to support him with “his business investment”!
This is why the whole financially insecure feeling has come up again because if he decides to leave us then where does that leave me and my kids? Are we legally protected financially even if our name is not on the deeds?
Why would a partner structure investments in such a way, is it to protect their finances from their partner?
Do you think this should have been a “business investment” solely under his and his parents name or should it have been a “family investment” including my name?
I’ve taken a step back in my career and my prospects are limited so how would I build investments if my income is not proportionate to his? How do I bridge that gap? Do I say to him that his kids are not his because he has not invested any time in bringing them up or being there for us (Maybe not because I can’t put a price to it!) ?
Really need clarity, so if anyone can shed some legal advise on this it will help sooth my mind.
Note - he is an amazing dad when he is with the kids for that little time; they love him but really miss him. He did go on holiday with the boys and no one else as I know his friends partners.
Am I going mad?