Should I check in with a friend on TTC updates?

[horchatatresleches]

A close friend mentioned about a year ago that she and her partner were trying for a baby and since then, nothing. We’re not in daily contact because we’re on opposite ends of the country but we’re still close. We were bridesmaids for each other and lived together for years. We see each other a few times a year.

I don’t want her to feel like I’ve forgotten or stopped caring, but I also don’t want to bring it up if it’s a sore subject right now. Would it be better to gently ask how things are going next time we’re together, or just wait for her to bring it up herself if she wants to talk about it?

That’s a really tough one. It feels like a cop out answer but it will differ person to person.

I was someone who didn’t really want to talk about it much, but this just meant I told the friends I was comfortable chatting with. I’d have been happy for those I’d told to bring it up but also not upset if they didn’t!

however I imagine there’d be people who would actively want it and those that wouldn’t.

perhaps if you know your friend well enough you can call her and ask without asking if that makes sense 🤣
Id say try not to frame it as wanting an update as to some that could feel like prying or being nosy. Frame it asa question about her/their welfare xx

I really wouldn’t. You would be backing her into a corner to either admit she was having difficulties or maybe experiencing pregnancy loss .. or to lie.

My friend knew I was TTC and asked how it was going after a while (it wasn’t happening). I didn’t want people to know about my fertility struggles because I felt it would put even more pressure on me TTC so I ended up lying to her saying we had paused TTC.. but it didn’t make me feel good being put in that position and lying.

I agree with PP that it varies so much person to person, but also I definitely had times through my journey (hate that word) where I wanted people to ask and not ask! I think an open ended how.are things type conversation is good as it gives the opportunity for her to raise it if she wants to, and then if she does, ask of she'd like you to check in or leave it for her to bring up in future conversations. I was pretty open about losses and struggles and wanted to talk about it and not feel like it was being ignored, but that's not everyone's stance. Also it's very thoughtful of you to be thinking about this and how to approach it best!

When I was going through fertility treatment, I hated it when people would ask for updates in a really excited/positive way like ooh any update/luck yet. It made me feel like I was disappointing them with bad/no news. But what I did appreciate was people asking and checking in on me in a more vague way just in terms of how things were in general and just saying they were here to talk whenever. That way it was up to me when and what to share and I felt like they were thinking of me 😊

Absolutely would not. Let her come to you with the update. It’s such a sensitive topic that she may not wish to talk about!

I would message and ask her how she's doing and see what she says. But be prepared for her answer, what I mean is, are you pregnant or TTC yourself? If TTC does she know, based on her telling you.
If she says she has had a miscarriage or other issues can you proceed in a sensitive way.

I never told anyone I was TTC so the fact that she did could mean she is a more open person. It could also mean she had no idea she would struggle and regrets having mentioned it.

The bottom line is you're friends and presumably you want to know how she is anyway, not just her TTC status so why not contact her without focusing on that.

Thanks for your advice everyone. She’s visiting here in a couple of weeks so will take that on board. It sounds weird given we’re close but beyond sharing funny TikToks and arranging meetups, we don’t tend to chat online. We just pick up where we left off when we meet up, so I feel like asking by text would be more intrusive. I think I’ll just go with the vibe of asking how things are going generally and taking it from there. I’m not pregnant or TTC myself, but I do have a toddler (born before she was TTC) and I’m a bit sensitive that my house isn’t a show home and it’s very obvious there’s a young child around and that makes me feel like asking is more of an imposition than if I were childfree.