Mum responded to my infertility update by sharing her acquaintance’s pregnancy news

[Anonymousmillenial]

Looking for support and advice in a difficult time. We’ve been TTC for over a year and finally working with the GP on next steps. My mum knows about this struggle and I updated her that we’ve now got some medical appointments which is positive, but everything is still so disheartening. When I opened up about this, she started to speak about a lady she knows. It seemed unrelated and I was a bit upset she didn’t respond to what I was saying about the infertility update. As her story went on, she described changes in this lady’s face and that she seemed tired. I knew where it was going… eventually she said this lady is pregnant and how lovely it is. I didn’t say anything at the time, but it was shocking to me that her immediate response to my infertility update was to happily announce this lady’s pregnancy news. I don’t know the lady at all. Has anyone had a similar experience? It would’ve been nice to have support from my mum at this time and I am just disappointed.

I will guess that you have a long history with your mother being thoughtless and inconsiderate. Yes?

Seriously fucking tone deaf. I'm so sorry OP!
i don't know what it with people lacking empathy with regards to infertility. People just seem to say what they want without little regards to the receiver. Sorry you are going through this xx

I’m so sorry OP. That must have really hurt you. I think if it were me I would have to raise it with her and explain how that was very hurtful and unsupportive. What did u say afterwards?

I remember my DH feeling down on a Father’s Day as it was another year of infertility for us, and his dad announced DH’s male cousin was expecting a baby. I think some people really just don’t think.

Ahh I’ve got one of those mothers too! My first MC I didn’t tell her for 6 weeks because she’s never been good in a crisis (either makes it about her or just says the wrong thing). A week after I told her her brand new husband’s son who she had known for a year perhaps had a baby. She posted pictures on fb “nanny with the first grandchild”. My latest MC was quite traumatic (although I do have a little girl who is 5) and I’d spoken to her about how hard it had been. She turned up at my house to see what I thought of a jumper she’d bought for her friend’s daughter who just had her 2nd saying “little sister”.
Some people just don’t think.

Please say you have very little (preferably nothing) to do with this person @Diamond89

I also have that type of mum unfortunately. My mum made my mc about her, and then when I pulled her up on it, she went straight to well since no one loves me il sell up and move away. Narcissist at its finest.

@Anonymousmillenial I’m so sorry about your mum. I would strongly recommend saying something to her now before you go into fertility treatment to try and get things on the right footing.

She will either explain herself or she won’t understand. If she doesn’t get it, then you know she’s not someone you can safely talk about this journey with. It’s horrible when it’s your own mum but some people truly just don’t understand what this process is like and the pain of fertility struggles.

My parents are useless. My in laws are well intentioned but also just tone deaf sometimes. Example… I had endometriosis surgery, IVF retrieval immediately after, followed by a miscarriage a week before my brother in law’s new partner (she got pregnant a couple of months into dating) had a baby after an accidental pregnancy at 42. I decided to tell my MIL about the miscarriage just so she didn’t say anything insensitive when we all went to go meet the baby (she already knew about the rest of our situation). Her solution… she decided to do a big presentation to me in front of all the family and new baby of an identical gift for our “future baby” because she was so sure it would happen, I should never question it, she’s seen many signs. It went on and on and I thought I was going to pass out 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️.

I’ve had some disastrous things said to me and the longer the journey goes on, the rawer you become and you just need to nip it in the bud. You will find your people though who are safe to talk to about it and who understand it. Lean into them 🤗

I would be quite clear with your mum. Something like you know she didn’t mean it but you felt quite hurt when after you gave her that update she moved straight into someone else’s pregnancy news. You know she probably didn’t mean to upset you but what you needed in that moment was empathy and support, not comparisons or other people’s pregnancy stories

Good luck xxx

Similar to Miraclemuma03, my mum behaves in a very similar way. A few years ago, just a couple of days before my birthday, she went to visit my sister, and neither of them even wished me a happy birthday. It really hurt.
In her case, the things that matter most are always the ones that concern her. My feelings or problems rarely seem important to her.
Unfortunately, we can't change someone else's behaviour, even when they're one of the most important people in our lives. You could try talking to your mum, maybe she'll be willing to listen, and it might help.