Partner wants to delay IVF transfer after miscarriage and I feel sad

[Sofie1994]

Hello! Hope you're all ok today. My husband and I did a round of IVF in October 2025. The first transfer was a chemical pregnancy and the second was a miscarriage at 10 weeks in April. Absolutely heartbroken about that, still.

I was hoping to do another transfer (4 embryos frozen from a freeze all round) maybe in September or October - and that's with me forcing myself to take a break for my mental and physical health. If it were up to me, I'd get straight back to it although I agree that may not be wise. On one hand, I want to speak to the consultant about what additional tests are worth doing or if we should do down regulation for endometriosis and adenomyosis. My first two transfers were NHS so there was no personalisation of the protocol. Now we're going private where our first batch of embryos are frozen so I hope for more tailored treatment which may take a while anyway

But I just feel so upset that my husband wants to wait until Jan 2027. I know I can't rush him or anything and that his feelings matter. But I hate this limbo. It will be three years TTC in September. It feels like my life never moves on whilst everyone around me does. Every day is hard. I'll be 31 this year, the fact I have embryos frozen is really helpful as my AMH is very low but I'm worried about my endometriosis progressing in this time.

Has anyone been through something similar? Thank you

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage 💐January is a long way away so I can understand why you wouldn't want to wait that long. Have you discussed with him why he thinks waiting until January is better, and the impact on you for waiting?
Could you agree to discuss next steps with the consultant and then decide on a timeframe together? Even if its a compromise in the middle of where you both are currently.
Counselling might be something that could help too if that's an option for you through your clinic?

Im so sorry about your losses. Miscarriages are very hard to go through, especially when its an ivf baby and you have put your body through hell to even get to transfer let alone get a positive test. I also think we forget that our partners feel the loss just as much as we do and then they also have to watch us lose ourselves amd go through the grief and pain physically and that is also hard on them. I can understand why he wants to wait, he may not be over the loss and not ready just yet to potentially have to go through that so soon.. we all hope we dont go through it again but unfortunately it does happen. It was me this time that decided to delay another round of ivf. I had put my body through so much with very little return and 2 miscarriages and having no embryos to freeze after each round. I decided I needed a break and maybe do some self care for a while and jump back in feeling a little bit stronger and ready to face any more negative outcomes.

I think what he's trying to say is 'not now'. He may or may not be ready for another transfer is January - I think 'January' is just a marker given as an indicator that he doesn't see himself as being ready anytime soon whilst he grieves. That date might move forward or backwards as he works through his feelings. Your feelings might change over this period too. It can take a bit to align on when to do a next transfer but just keep talking until you are both in alignment and good luck x

Hello leaflake, thank you for replying!! It does feel like such a long time. When we had the conversation I wanted to try listen to his point of view, essentially he wants a break from it all but by his own admittance he finds it much easier to switch off from this topic than me if that makes sense. It hangs over me every day and I struggle to enjoy other things. I very much wish I could switch off more but ultimately I just want this period of my life over. We both have our own separate therapists so that's good but we haven't use the counselling through our clinic, I will look into that in case they could do something joint.

I am hoping that in a few months he might feel a bit better and more ready to get back to it sooner, but the seemingly arbitrary January marker has thrown me. Thank you for your advice

Hey, firstly I'm really sorry for your losses. It's so tough and it must be really hard having to start again from scratch with no embryos. I really hope the break helps you find some peace and enjoyment. It must be hard to him to watch me suffer so much and I understand that maybe he can't face it going wrong again (right now). I get that too, my worry is waiting until January and then having another miscarriage. If that happens in a year I'll be back where I am now. But I suppose I just don't know what will happen. Thank you for your reply

Hey, thank you for your reply and your point of view, you're right, things might change as his feelings do. It's always taken him longer than me to work through big things, so I hope we can be on the same page at some point soon. But I suppose we don't all grieve and deal the same way and I have to respect that x

Hi @Sofie1994 I’m so sorry to hear about your losses, it’s so completely heartbreaking. I just wanted to say that I really really understand your feelings of wanting to get back into doing another transfer, and your distress with your husband wanting to wait. It’s a very painful position to be in when you just want to move forward.
I had a missed miscarriage in March, and the only thing that I’ve felt would help me now is trying again, so I really resonate with what you’ve said ❤️
I also totally get the fear of time passing and your own life not moving on, plus the fear of endo increasing too which I also have. I’ve had a few enforced breaks during my 2+ years of IVF (mainly due to timings/extra testing etc), and I’ve found what has helped me is doing things that help me feel like I’m still working towards it. So for example focussing on the extra testing and how it might help, focussing on eating an anti-inflammatory diet (helpful for endo) and also focussing on having some fun and doing stuff I wouldn’t do during IVF (glasses of wine, spa trip etc).
I would also perhaps revisit the idea of January being your next transfer once your husband has had a bit more time to grieve. You’re only 31 so you still have plenty of time ahead of you, but there is a case to bring to him that you don’t know how soon the IVF might be successful, and there is ultimately a time limit on it (although that’s hopefully a long way off for you) and there’s a case for not wanting to regret not trying things sooner/quicker. As much as you of course need to respect his own grief timeline (which it sounds like you are doing), he also needs to have some thought for yours and also simply for the timelines of biology ❤️
Sending you loads of love, and please know you’re not alone in how you’re feeling ❤️

Hi Sunnydaysahead1 I'm so sorry to hear of your missed miscarriage, it's just devastating isn't it? It just feels so wrong. I really hope you're doing as well as can be and it's really nice to know that you understand why I want to get back to it in order to feel better. It doesn't mean we forget about the baby we lost but we are still on that journey and I don't want to delay a happy ending (hopefully). Thank you for your advice, I spoke to him today and explained how January just feels too long for me. He said we can reevaluate timelines after our follow up appointment in June but he did listen to my point of view.

I'm glad to hear you found ways to make the most of your enforced breaks. It's hard not to feel in limbo but you're right, there are things we can do and I'm going to look up an anti inflammatory diet. That sounds nice and practical.

Thanks so much and wishing you the very best of luck with your next step, I hope your time is soon 💗