Accepting infertility after IVF losses and trying to move forward

[Hazzakay]

I have struggled with fertility issues for years. Starting trying for a baby when I was 33. I am now 39 (40 in August). Discovered I have low AmH, a blocked fallopian tube and adenomyosis in 2020. After a year with no luck, started having IVF but generally responded very poorly and had a missed miscarriage after my second round, which was devastating. Was waiting to start my third round when, mercifully, I fell pregnant naturally (although initially with twins, but I lost one in early pregnancy).
My DS is now nearly 3. I stopped breastfeeding when he was six months old (which I found heartbreaking) in the hope of getting pregnant again, but after two years of trying - no luck. I had a frozen embryo from my second round of IVF transferred but it didn’t take. After several more months of trying, I started IVF again. My response has been even worse than before - though I did get pregnant on my last round (but again had a missed miscarriage in February - which nearly broke me). I have still have an embryo in the freezer and had signed up to do three more rounds of IVF back-to-back in the hope of batching some embryos which will then be PGT-A tested - but I’ve stopped responding on the first of those three rounds. I am still waiting to decide what to do next but suddenly I feel that it’s time to accept it won’t happen - or at least stop focussing on the outcome and treasure what I have.

I am devastated. I am one of 4 and had always imagined having a big family of my own. I know I am lucky to have DS (and, boy, do I feel it) but I have been grieving the loss of what I thought would be for years. There is some liberation in letting that go.

Donor eggs, adoption and fostering are not options for us - we’ve considered them carefully but they are not for us. My husband feels we can find happiness in what we have and nurturing our family of 3 - and I’m sure he’s right - but I’m just so sad.

I am having therapy, trying to focus on gratitude and taking the best care of myself I possibly can. I guess a part of me is hoping that by stopping trying it might happen naturally (which is sort of what happened with my son) but I think even holding onto that hope could be dangerous for me. If anyone has any advice on how to move past this - or wants to share their experience of being in a similar position, I think it would help me to hear it.

Im so sorry to read your trc journey, its such a hard process to go through especially when you do round after round whether naturally or through ivf and you get no return. Though im so glad you found success with your son. You can be grateful for your son and cherish him while still having the feelings of wanting to expand your family. No one should ever feel guilty for wanting more children when they already have one. I have a pretty extensive ttc journey but I also have a bus load of kids that also came with lots of stress, worry and sick babies. I would love to have another but its also not in the cards for me. Our last 4 children were via ivf and that was difficult with round after round to try to find one viable embryo to be successful. We have since done 3 egg collections , we have so far had a chemical and a miscarriage and one cycle not having any fertilisation at all. We have decided to try a 4th round but changed our diet, taking supplements, doing more tests, and cutting out caffeine. This will most likely be our last round so throwing everything at it but honestly it's dont know if any of this is enougn . Before giving up, would you consider finishing your 3 rounds of ivf and then seeing where that takes you?

I’m sorry to read your journey - that sounds like a lot of stress, hardship and sadness, too. How old are you (if you don’t mind me asking)? And how many children do you have?

i don’t think I can give up without trying our last few rounds of IVF - and honestly, I never thought it would have to say no to more IVF. I thought I would just keep going and going but the process is so brutal, it affects my ability to work, sleep, have any enjoyment of my life, parent my son, enjoy my husband and it’s not even working. If I was harvesting eggs and batching embryos, I might feel differently but I’m not even managing that! I guess deep down I am still hoping it might happen naturally like it did with my DS (or maybe by some miracle our last frostie will work), but I’m also trying hard to let go of the outcome now. So I think I will still do the IVF, but with no expectation it will work. I think that would make it easier - just to expect little / no progress rather than desperately clinging to one or two eggs and getting myself in such a state at every scan. That way, anything else is just a bonus. I’m curious about NMN - have been reading about that today and wondering if that’s worth trying as a last resort. Anyone have any experience of using it? When is your last round finishing?

Hi @Hazzakay

I am in a similar boat. Have 4 yr old DD, who was (very luckily) conceived quite easily. After a few years of trying for #2, we decided to try IVF. We got one embryo to transfer but it didn't stick. I turned 40 just after (a few months ago).

I have been trying to come to terms with being a family of 3 and finding it really hard. We always said we would try one round but now I am considering another and don't know if it is just a silly waste of time. Oh to have a crystal ball.

My heart breaks for my DD who is sad not to have a sibling when all her friends do.

I have never heard of NMN until you mentioned it and have done a bit of googling. It sounds really interesting.

Hi @HM2024 thanks for replying- though I am of course sorry to hear you are in a similar boat and that you’ve had a recent unsuccessful round. It’s such a tough journey.

What were your numbers like for your one round so far? Did you manage to collect many eggs? Have they ever found any issues or is it most likely age-related that #2 hasn’t happened yet? Must be so hard to understand why it’s not happened again when you got pregnant easily first time round.

I’ve been reading a bit more about NMN today - am quite tempted to give it a go. Need to feel I’ve tried everything but wouldn’t mind a bit more advice on it first really! Might start a new thread with that topic - maybe others will be able to share their experiences with it. Wishing you luck, whatever you decide.

@Hazzakay

I did a long protocol and got 4 eggs then we got to 1 embryo with IVF. I got a letter a month after to say they had reviewed and if we were to do further treatment, they would recommend short protocol with ICSI.

With lower AMH, I had done a little research which seemed to me that short protocol would be better. When I asked about that she basically said it was up to me and gave me a lot of jargon. I think it fit better with their opening hours, reading between the lines.

No reason found...just unexplained which I find infuriating. Age will play a big factor now but not so much 3 years ago.

I called today about a follow-up appt and she said we would be able to start treatment as early as July/Aug. I never in a million years thought my DH would go for another round but he said he would if I wanted to.

If you stopped responding on your 1st of 3 rounds, wont they change your protocol up? Have your MCRs been investigated? (That must have been awful, Im sorry)

I'll reply re NMN on your other thread. I am super curious about that.

Hi, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
A friend of mine was only able to get pregnant after changing clinics. The new clinic identified underlying issues that had previously been missed and was able to recommend a more effective treatment plan.
Have you considered getting a second opinion or consulting another clinic? From the webinars I've watched from Fertility Clinics Abroad, they explained that some clinics have more experience with specific fertility challenges, such as advanced maternal age or particularly complex cases.
They also mentioned that you can contact them directly, and if they are unable to help themselves, they may be able to recommend a clinic that specializes in your particular situation. Even a single online consultation could give you a broader perspective on your options. Good luck on your journey

Hello all, arrived on MN so glad to find a recent conversation with others in the exact same position.

Its been a few weeks aside from @flippap how is everyone?

I'm 38 and after 3 years of trying with zero successes, had IVF in 2021 which amazingly worked the first time giving us our currently 3.5 year old son. We had a natural pregnancy a year later for the very first time but unfortunately resulted in early miscarriage, we've had nothing since including our final FET last year.

I've had minor issues alongside our unexplained infertility like fibroids (that 'disappeared' for our FET and only after were further investigated after it) and then an ill defined lining in January that the doctor doing the scan suggested a coil to even out - yet my clinic felt it was fine to proceed. At that point we decided maybe we were fine as a family of 3, despite always being adamant we'd give our son a sibling.

I complained to the clinic for the frequent mixed messages and had a follow up review this week, they still feel the issues are minor and at 38 time is more important. I had a low result at 33 so we're looking at less than 40% chance this time.

But it's opened the debate in my head again, will we regret not trying? Should we at least investigate my egg reserves before deciding? At approx £11k can we afford it/will our son miss out while we continue to put life on hold. We have put off long haul holidays the last 2 years for Zika reasons but thinking we were done, have booked Thailand this December. We'll still go either way and if we proceed will work around it - but its stuff like this, expensive adventures -our sons childhood, potentially some debt - that might all be for nothing if it doesnt work!

I'd love some opinions either way as I genuinely cannot decide and it's driving me insane.

We’ve agreed to do a short protocol this time to see if it changes my response. I have had quite varying cycles before so my consultant was happy to try it and said we could always change back to long protocol if it’s not looking good. We will know in a month or so.

Where are you up to with going again? Starting next month?

My miscarriages are being investigated by the NHS. They tested the tissue from my most recent miscarriage but there is a six month waiting list just to get an appointment to discuss the results - so I won’t know for a while yet. It’s all just endless waiting isn’t it.

Thanks @flippap for the kind words and the advice. I have considered switching clinics. I have had advice from a number of specialists now though and the decision fatigue is almost the hardest part of this whole nightmare. You are constantly wondering if the doctors you are seeing are really the best for your situation, if you’re doing the right thing, if another clinic would be more successful. I think after these rounds of IVF, I might just stop with treatment. I don’t think I can take much more.

Sorry to hear you’re in a similar boat @StillBelieving2. It’s such a tough journey - and combining treatment and decisions about treatment with raising a toddler - not to mention a job, a partner and everything else that’s going on, it’s a lot. I think it’s great that you’ve booked a holiday to Thailand - sometimes I feel like my life has been on hold long enough. I don’t have any tips or hacks I’m afraid. Am wondering how to let go of it myself - but sending solidarity at least