Accepting infertility after IVF losses and trying to move forward

[Hazzakay]

I have struggled with fertility issues for years. Starting trying for a baby when I was 33. I am now 39 (40 in August). Discovered I have low AmH, a blocked fallopian tube and adenomyosis in 2020. After a year with no luck, started having IVF but generally responded very poorly and had a missed miscarriage after my second round, which was devastating. Was waiting to start my third round when, mercifully, I fell pregnant naturally (although initially with twins, but I lost one in early pregnancy).
My DS is now nearly 3. I stopped breastfeeding when he was six months old (which I found heartbreaking) in the hope of getting pregnant again, but after two years of trying - no luck. I had a frozen embryo from my second round of IVF transferred but it didn’t take. After several more months of trying, I started IVF again. My response has been even worse than before - though I did get pregnant on my last round (but again had a missed miscarriage in February - which nearly broke me). I have still have an embryo in the freezer and had signed up to do three more rounds of IVF back-to-back in the hope of batching some embryos which will then be PGT-A tested - but I’ve stopped responding on the first of those three rounds. I am still waiting to decide what to do next but suddenly I feel that it’s time to accept it won’t happen - or at least stop focussing on the outcome and treasure what I have.

I am devastated. I am one of 4 and had always imagined having a big family of my own. I know I am lucky to have DS (and, boy, do I feel it) but I have been grieving the loss of what I thought would be for years. There is some liberation in letting that go.

Donor eggs, adoption and fostering are not options for us - we’ve considered them carefully but they are not for us. My husband feels we can find happiness in what we have and nurturing our family of 3 - and I’m sure he’s right - but I’m just so sad.

I am having therapy, trying to focus on gratitude and taking the best care of myself I possibly can. I guess a part of me is hoping that by stopping trying it might happen naturally (which is sort of what happened with my son) but I think even holding onto that hope could be dangerous for me. If anyone has any advice on how to move past this - or wants to share their experience of being in a similar position, I think it would help me to hear it.

Im so sorry to read your trc journey, its such a hard process to go through especially when you do round after round whether naturally or through ivf and you get no return. Though im so glad you found success with your son. You can be grateful for your son and cherish him while still having the feelings of wanting to expand your family. No one should ever feel guilty for wanting more children when they already have one. I have a pretty extensive ttc journey but I also have a bus load of kids that also came with lots of stress, worry and sick babies. I would love to have another but its also not in the cards for me. Our last 4 children were via ivf and that was difficult with round after round to try to find one viable embryo to be successful. We have since done 3 egg collections , we have so far had a chemical and a miscarriage and one cycle not having any fertilisation at all. We have decided to try a 4th round but changed our diet, taking supplements, doing more tests, and cutting out caffeine. This will most likely be our last round so throwing everything at it but honestly it's dont know if any of this is enougn . Before giving up, would you consider finishing your 3 rounds of ivf and then seeing where that takes you?

I’m sorry to read your journey - that sounds like a lot of stress, hardship and sadness, too. How old are you (if you don’t mind me asking)? And how many children do you have?

i don’t think I can give up without trying our last few rounds of IVF - and honestly, I never thought it would have to say no to more IVF. I thought I would just keep going and going but the process is so brutal, it affects my ability to work, sleep, have any enjoyment of my life, parent my son, enjoy my husband and it’s not even working. If I was harvesting eggs and batching embryos, I might feel differently but I’m not even managing that! I guess deep down I am still hoping it might happen naturally like it did with my DS (or maybe by some miracle our last frostie will work), but I’m also trying hard to let go of the outcome now. So I think I will still do the IVF, but with no expectation it will work. I think that would make it easier - just to expect little / no progress rather than desperately clinging to one or two eggs and getting myself in such a state at every scan. That way, anything else is just a bonus. I’m curious about NMN - have been reading about that today and wondering if that’s worth trying as a last resort. Anyone have any experience of using it? When is your last round finishing?

Hi @Hazzakay

I am in a similar boat. Have 4 yr old DD, who was (very luckily) conceived quite easily. After a few years of trying for #2, we decided to try IVF. We got one embryo to transfer but it didn't stick. I turned 40 just after (a few months ago).

I have been trying to come to terms with being a family of 3 and finding it really hard. We always said we would try one round but now I am considering another and don't know if it is just a silly waste of time. Oh to have a crystal ball.

My heart breaks for my DD who is sad not to have a sibling when all her friends do.

I have never heard of NMN until you mentioned it and have done a bit of googling. It sounds really interesting.

Hi @HM2024 thanks for replying- though I am of course sorry to hear you are in a similar boat and that you’ve had a recent unsuccessful round. It’s such a tough journey.

What were your numbers like for your one round so far? Did you manage to collect many eggs? Have they ever found any issues or is it most likely age-related that #2 hasn’t happened yet? Must be so hard to understand why it’s not happened again when you got pregnant easily first time round.

I’ve been reading a bit more about NMN today - am quite tempted to give it a go. Need to feel I’ve tried everything but wouldn’t mind a bit more advice on it first really! Might start a new thread with that topic - maybe others will be able to share their experiences with it. Wishing you luck, whatever you decide.

@Hazzakay

I did a long protocol and got 4 eggs then we got to 1 embryo with IVF. I got a letter a month after to say they had reviewed and if we were to do further treatment, they would recommend short protocol with ICSI.

With lower AMH, I had done a little research which seemed to me that short protocol would be better. When I asked about that she basically said it was up to me and gave me a lot of jargon. I think it fit better with their opening hours, reading between the lines.

No reason found...just unexplained which I find infuriating. Age will play a big factor now but not so much 3 years ago.

I called today about a follow-up appt and she said we would be able to start treatment as early as July/Aug. I never in a million years thought my DH would go for another round but he said he would if I wanted to.

If you stopped responding on your 1st of 3 rounds, wont they change your protocol up? Have your MCRs been investigated? (That must have been awful, Im sorry)

I'll reply re NMN on your other thread. I am super curious about that.