How did you decide when to stop fertility treatment for a sibling?

[Popadopadom]

I’m just wondering how anyone came to this decision?

Background: unexplained infertility, one round of IVF, one round of ICSI, three miscarriages, one failed FET and our miracle baby. Had an embryo left so we went ahead with FET but had a miscarriage.

My head’s a mess with wondering if we’ll regret not having more ICSI later in life versus being one and done. The time is now really if we’re going to do it. By not having another round of harvesting we are saving money and the emotional burden of IVF. It’s draining and I don’t really have time for myself as I did before my baby. I also felt desperate for my first baby but a second somehow feels like a luxury that I don’t have a deep need for. My head says why would you tie yourselves up in more rounds when we are already so lucky.

I’m just wondering how everyone else came to the decision? Using our last frostie should feel like a natural stopping point maybe? I think we have the chance to try again but there is no guarantees and I’m not sure that it is sensible. We’re seven years on now from when we first started. How did you know when to stop?

Also please note I don’t want to offend anyone who hasn’t had their miracle. I totally understand this feels like a luxurious problem to have and I know we are fortunate.

I have not been through IVF. I got pregnant unexpectedly after being told it is unlikely to have children. Back then , I did consider trying IVF alone if I never met someone and did come to terms with the fact I may not have children. I have always wanted one and now I am pregnant. I literally cried to my partner that I don’t know what I was thinking to consider IVF alone. Pregnancy is hard without the strain of it.

To me, it sounds like you don’t really want to go through IVF again. It seems you feel you should do it to avoid regret later in life. The regret can be there either way. I don’t think how anyone else made their decisions matters in your situation. It is more so about what your gut tells you.

Lets be honest, IVF is disproportionately burdensome on the woman. Even with the most supportive partner it is your body. You have been through it. You have had losses. Are you prepared mentally and 💯 sure you want to go through that physically. If not, then that’s your answer. Do you really want a second or do you feel you should because of pressure?

I’m torn. Babies are lovely and so precious and if I got pregnant naturally I wouldn’t have an abortion. My head says remember those days when you were full of baby sick trying to replace the milk that was slowly drying into my brand new sofa, the days when I didn’t get my lunch! I have a very supportive DH but it’s money we could spend on our baby rather than spent on what is effectively a gamble. Plus I can’t bear the idea of Frosties sat there. There is no way I could perish them/donate so I would have to have them all transferred. Do I really want to open that can of worms. Also does appear as though this is the only grandchild on both sides which does feel like added pressure. My DH loves being a Dad too and he’s hands on and was an Angel postpartum.

I also wonder if people regret either way or maybe not regret but wonder if x y or z…etc. Can you really protect yourself from looking back longingly? I have not had any regrets so far and I just don’t want to F up.

Just wanted to pop on and say you are not alone in your decision on when to stop trying for a sibling, it’s such a hard and emotional one. Your head says one thing while your heart says another.

For a bit of background we had our wonderful little boy from our first round of IVF but ended up with severe OHSS it was so debilitating I always said that once our Frosties were all gone that would be it and that it wasn’t meant to be etc but after using all 4 Frosties (3 FET and one not surviving thawing) and nothing we just couldn’t shake the what ifs and ofcourse seeing how my son interacts with all his friends sibling babies it just breaks my heart as I know he would be the most incredible big brother, we have committed to 2 more rounds. Round one was really dissapointing with nothing to freeze and poor embryo transferred that was a BFN so we have one more round left … I said we should stop after that but now I’m not so sure ….

I feel like if I hadn’t continued to try I would 100% regret it but that’s not to say you would. It’s such an individual choice but what I will say is that it really is extra gruelling going through treatment with a toddler but at the same time they also take your mind off it too to some extent. Sorry none of this probably helps, but just know you’re not alone in your decision whatever u decide. I’m not sure how old you are so maybe you might have a bit of time in your side? Xx

You don’t own anyone grandchildren so try not to think about that. What does your husband think and want? Can you maybe make a plan if you wanted to try that you spend x amount or have x number of tries and whatever happens. I understand not having an abortion if you got pregnant accidentally (which happens a lot after IVF) but IVF as you know is different mentally and financially.

My partners, sister in law loves her kids but regrets the third. She said it was too much. Her first was 10 when they had second and a third.

My best friend battled with infertility for 7 years and seem to have given up. She doesn’t want IVF for a number of reasons but they spend a lot of money on other treatments and trying naturally and got in £50k debt. Eventually they decided that even if it happened they are no longer in a position to provide financially and didn’t want to spend another £20-40k on IVF.

I had similar reasons to not want to pursue endless IVF/egg freezing. It would have cost me my life savings, meaning I had no financial stability for the baby if it came.

It really depends on your situation and you feel is right in your heart rather than head.

Thanks both. The truth is if you said do you fancy a trip to IVF tomorrow I’d say no thanks. It really wasn’t kind. It’s not fun, it’s exhausting. I was SO determined with my first and I really don’t feel like that. @sunflower1906 so do you really feel like you neeeeeeed baby number 2 like you did with your first?

I would be easier if it was decided but I probably could deal with IVF again mentally, we could afford it and my husband would be delighted if we had another baby. He’s too nice - he’s helpful, supportive and says he was so happy as a couple, and now over the moon with our baby. He doesn’t put any pressure on me at all but he did say he had forgotten how gruelling IVF really is.

We could make a concrete plan as @cucumber4745 says but I think the problem is that we didn’t at the beginning. We said we’d just keep on going until baby number 1 was here, whatever that took. We didn’t dare dream about a sibling. I really couldn’t leave embryos in the freezers though.

I was very happy to be just a mum when I had my baby and no mention of IVF throughout my pregnancy and newbotn year. Now it’s hit me how shit each decision really is, all the hoops we jump through and how hard it is to plan what should be made out of love.

I just don’t know how to move forward without thinking what if?! What if I regret it when if I just find my big girl pants, we might have another?

I think you have to ask yourself how badly you want another child. How far are you willing to go to achieve that? The best people to ask is yourself and your husband, only you two can decide for your own family what the best thing to do is and how far to go. In my opinion, no one who has to go through ivf to have a baby, wants to actually put themselves through it, but its a means to an end and I think if it ends up being successful then its worth it.

I know what you mean about the determination. I’m 30
weeks pregnant after 5 rounds of ivf, and I really don’t think I would do that again even if I could afford it. I’m already dreaming of two children so they have a sibling, hence my replying. Since ours was from mfi and my low amh (and creeping up age) I think for me the chances would be sooo low to conceive through ivf that it wouldnt be right to try. However, I think I will go back to trying for spontaneous conception. Would it help to think of trying like that? Is a middle ground of not shutting a door but not opening it either (to the addictive “one more round” feeling too.

also, I had two mcs, but mostly it just didn’t work. it sounds like you had rather a lot of mcs and that’s a hell of a lot to go through over it just not working.

our baby will have plenty of older cousins but it’s not quite the same. And don’t for an instant accept pressure from grandparents. That’s not your burden at all!

@Popadopadom I'm in quite a similar stage as you. Same-sex couple so needed donor sperm. We did 4 rounds of IUI then moved on to IVF. We have 2 children (not twins) through FET (both from second egg collection).

When we tried for #2 we had 2 frosties left, and I felt that I would transfer them, but didn't feel I could do an egg collection again. We were lucky that first transfer worked.

Throught second pregnancy I felt I needed to tranfer the last embryo, rather than destroy or donate. Partner was open to the possibility of a third if that embryo worked, so we transfered and got a BFN.

We're also trying to decide if we continue to try or call it a day. Both of us still feel we'd like a third (but its not a burning, hungry need) and we both see advantages of not having a third. We are both decided we would not do an egg collection, because like you, we don't want frosties left as I would feel compelled to tranfer them - if we tried again it would be IUI. We're not at a decision yet, but things we have considered/discussed:

• We said we would only do that 1 frostie transfer and stop as a natural end point. So should we stick with that original decision? If we decided to try again, how can we ensure we do draw the line where we say we will?

• Would we have tried for another sibling if we didn't have any more embryos frozen? Have we got 'caught up' in the idea of a third because of that remaining frostie? And general discussion that its ok to have been open and welcomed a third under those circumstances, but to not deicde to persue it further

• Would we feel regret if we didn't try again?

• How would trying again (and getting more potential BFNs) affect us? Would it feel worse stopping now, or stopping down the line after trying again and still having no BFP

• How would taking back control of this decision affect us - e.g. deciding not to try versus feeling that we tried and it didn't work

• How much is that lingering feeling of wanting 1 more a biological/hormonal urge, that may disipate with time.

I don't think its an easy decision to make, and its one thats very personal. Its also really hard if you're both not totally clear. For our other 2 we had much more clarity thats what we wanted, and we had that with our frostie, but we're both much less certain on the way forward now. My partner is also still feeling a time pressure - shes 41 this year and her age feels a big factor for her

Thanks all. It’s all really helpful. @2mumlife I’m so glad you commented - I went through a whole pregnancy with one of your threads so I feel like I know you (silly, I know!) I’ve engaged with some counselling and have been writing thoughts down. I might do a pros and cons list. I think it’s sort of hit me just how hard IVF is. I must have sailed through these years on determination and now it’s really hit home how crap this decision making is. I might come back to this thread with some clearer thoughts

@Popadopadom I love when you see similar names over the years :D I think the problem with this decision is, assuming you can afford to try again, it can't really be rationlised. If you look at it completely logically, not having another baby definitely comes out on top. Its the rational, logical route. But having a baby isn't a logical decision, its a heart decision. I can absolutely see the path forward with our family as it is, but its that bit in your heart, if it feels not quite done, which is the bit you need to examining.

I think writing thoughts down helps. I wish I'd done it before out last embryo transfer, as trying to get back to that head space, of why we said this would be the last go is hard when you're feeling dissapointed.

When you're writing your thoughts as well, is stop yourself anytime you make assumptions (like a sibling would be nice for your first child / the grandparents etc), as the decision needs to be based on the want of a child not being conditional on other people if that makes sense. I personally really don't get on with my siblings anyway, so having a sibling isn't always that great 😂And from someone lucky enough to have two - it is a very different experience, and I had to work through a whole load of guilt on how I'd changed my first borns life. There are pros for your child of 1 and done I think, as well as having siblings.

That’s part of it too - thinking how much we can really give our first and how a sibling would impact that. As it stands we’re going to home educate, travel loads, plenty of hobbies, we live in a large property, new cars etc and you just cant ignore the financial impact and the emotional toll of IVF. I really was super excited to leave the whole thing behind once I was pregnant. It was so refreshing to be free of it. I’d almost forgotten we were IVF patients! I just don’t feel ready to delve right back into the pit of IVF. I just don’t fancy my first turning around and saying can’t I have a sibling? Or my husband and I regretting it. My AMH is much lower now all these years on and I’m cross that we have a timeline upon us as women. @2mumlife you are definitely right about logically it doesn’t work out on top…it’s a heart decision and I don’t think my heart is in it ….but there’s something niggling in the background saying well why aren’t you proudly shouting ‘I’m one and done!’

@Popadopadom I think a lot of people know when they are done, but speaking to friends a think a lot also don't know. I think ivf makes it harder, as its a very blunt yes/no choice, where if you can concieve naturally, then it may feels like a more gradual / organic decision? A friend said to me something I think is true, that whatever decision you make (or life makes) about the number of children you have, most people ultimately come to the place of feeling like it was the right choice.

What I would say about hobbies is if those hobbies involve classes, its much easier with 1. There aren't many classes (at least in my area) to take kids of different ages to to be honest. Some classes for preschoolers don't mind if you have a baby in a sling which is fine when they are young, but soomn they want to be up and joining in which doesn't work, and generally I've found baby classes do not want a boisterious toddler in the background for instance. So depending how you see your set up its worth a consideration.

I think children will always make comments about wanting / not wanting a sibling. If it comes up I'd just explain you needed help having a baby and it was a long journey so you're very happy with your family of 3.