TW- IVF SUCCESS. Struggling to enjoy newborn days while grieving infertility journey and future family plans

[MissEmily5]

Hi all,
TW- successful IVF journey.

Firstly I want to say we’re one of the lucky ones- we had our little girl just 3 weeks ago and she is the best thing to ever happen to us. I’m so in love with her and so is my DH.

I think because of this and because I’m a planner through and through (as well as a sufferer of OCD), I can’t stop thinking that this might be the only time we get to do this… it makes me feel so guilty that I’m letting these sort of feelings intrude on the newborn moments we have dreamed of for so long.
But I think I’m only just processing the last few years now it’s come to a ‘close’. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility after a year of TTC. After a pretty horrid first round of ICSI, we got pregnant on our second round and were lucky enough to have one embryo of decent quality to freeze.

None of this journey has been easy for us and my pregnancy was tough! Lots of issues with reduced fetal movement, GD, growth scans, bleeding throughout pregnancy etc. took its toll on both physically and mentally. Not to mention a pretty grime birth that resulted in emergency c-section. It has been exhausting BUT I’d do it all again in a heartbeat for her.

Already she is the best thing to have happened to me and I’m so grateful but I’m already spiralling at the thought that she might only ever be an only child and that me and my DH might never have the family we always dreamed of (3-4 children was always the plan, put the idea of 2 now seems like something out of a fairytale).
I really want to make it clear that I know how lucky we are, when I was going through TCC/IVF I would see these sort of posts and just think well at least you have a baby… but I think I’m mourning the version of life in which it would be easy to get pregnant and that the question of more children wouldn’t be ‘if’ but ‘when’.

Basically, I’m just wondering if there is anyone else out there who feels this way or has been in this situation and whatever the outcome (more children or not) has been able to get over these fears and simply just enjoy?

Thanks in advance! :)

I'm not in the same situation as I'm still trying to conceive #1, but I wanted to reply because I've already had similar thoughts and fears about a potential second child and worrying it will take away from enjoying my first (if that ever happens).

Can you try and focus on the here and now - set yourself a timeframe for when you might want to start taking action towards a second, whether that's 6 months, a year, whatever feels right to you. Not so you have a commitment, but perhaps you can give yourself permission to park the thoughts until then? You have a frozen embryo, you'll have to wait some amount of time before you can do another transfer, and even if you want to try naturally for a bit before transferring, you probably need to wait a while and recover beforehand.

So just keep repeating to yourself - you have the situation under control, there are actions you can take when the time is right, but that time isn't here yet. The time to worry is when you can do something about it, and right now there is nothing to do but focus on your baby and your recovery.

I have 2 children, both through success FETs. It was a long road to conceive the first time (4 failed IUIs, 2 abysmal egg collections, an awful fresh transfer where I bled heavily from 5dpt and a chemical pregnancy before I got pregnant). When I had my first child, we had 2 embryos still frozen, and I felt very aware that a second might not happen. When we stated to try for a second I was in a place I still couldn’t face the idea of another egg collection. But our first FET for a sibling worked. I’m in the TWW after transferring the last embryo, and whatever happens this will be the last transfer we do.

I honestly didn’t really get the feelings you were talking about the first time round. We were more certain after our first child that we would try for a second. But how you’re feeling about being unsure if this is the last is how I felt after my second child. I think because we had 1 embryo left and I always wondered in the bag of my kind throughout my second pregnancy and newborn days if there might be just 1 more.

What I would say is I think it’s better in some ways to assume there isn’t any more babies, and just throw yourself into enjoying every moment with this one. Even if there are more, the experience is not the same the second time around. Your first baby really is very very special. It also goes so damn quickly.

But also, that one in the freezer might work perfectly. You just don’t know. Cross that bridge when you get to it, as you might spend time worrying for nothing (that frostie might work). If it doesn’t, you will deal with it when you need to.

Enjoy the baby bubble mumma

Hey, just wanted to say whilst I'm still trying for my first (2 transfers so far and waiting to go ahead with my third) I think what you're feeling is natural. It sounds weird but despite not being pregnant or having a child yet... I also already have the grief of knowing that if we do have one, that will likely be it. And whilst I'd be amazed and so so thankful for just one successful pregnancy (as I'm unsure it will ever happen for us), it's still coming to terms with yet another instance of this isn't how I imagined starting a family would be, and my future and family won't look like I always imagined.

I feel ridiculous mourning not having a second, whilst also mourning that I haven't even had one yet... but there it is. I tend to ruminate though and get stuck in cycles of thinking, so if you're similar maybe you've been stuck in a certain of pattern of thought whilst doing IVF (disappointment and grief), and as you're used to that your brain is now unable to get out of that cycle. If you can afford it maybe some talking therapy would help to process this. I'm sure you'd still feel this way to a certain extent, but hopefully not so much it takes away from enjoying your beautiful baby.