Supporting friend after failed IVF while other friends are pregnant

Chai88 · 2026-03-19T15:05:40+00:00

So we’re a group of friends, three of us have kids and fourth doesnt and recently had failed round of ivf. She’s obviously devastated. Problem is, two of us are pregnant and this friend doesnt deal with it very well, which I totally understand. This is my third pregnancy so it’s been very low key, no big announcements etc. However, the other pregnant friend - this is her first and she loves making a huge deal of it. Huge announcement after 12 week scan, gender reveal party and theres a massive baby shower being planned. I just can’t seem to say the right thing to my friend who’s going through IVF. She’s fallen out with the other pregnant friend, saying the gender reveal was disrespectful to her and she will under no circumstance go to the baby shower, as it’s another slap in the face for her. She’s being called unreasonable by the other pregnant friend, but I understand her. She’s going through hell right now. But at the same time, it’s not fair to ruin our other friend’s pregnancy experience. I just feel nothing I say is right. Like she gets annoyed by any attempt I make to support her. My pregnancy probably isn’t easy for her either, but at least there are no gender reveals, baby shower or anything else with me. How do I best support her? Is it best to step back and give her space or to keep trying to reach out and offer support?

contentsmayb · 19/03/2026 15:21

There may not be anything you can say right now that will truly help, and I think you may need to accept that you could lose this friendship, at least for a little while. I say that because I have been that friend before.
Going through failed IVF is incredibly painful. The grief can be so overwhelming that you want to withdraw from everything, especially from people who are pregnant. To everyone around her, it may seem irrational, and naturally you’ll want to do whatever you can to help. But the truth is, there may be very little you can do.
If I were in your position, I would send her flowers and some self-care treats, along with a message like: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. If you ever want to talk, I’m here for you. And if you need space, I completely understand that too.”
My guess is that she will want space, and she may not be in touch with you or the group very much for a while.

Original poster

Chai88 · 19/03/2026 17:22

contentsmayb · 19/03/2026 15:21

There may not be anything you can say right now that will truly help, and I think you may need to accept that you could lose this friendship, at least for a little while. I say that because I have been that friend before.
Going through failed IVF is incredibly painful. The grief can be so overwhelming that you want to withdraw from everything, especially from people who are pregnant. To everyone around her, it may seem irrational, and naturally you’ll want to do whatever you can to help. But the truth is, there may be very little you can do.
If I were in your position, I would send her flowers and some self-care treats, along with a message like: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. If you ever want to talk, I’m here for you. And if you need space, I completely understand that too.”
My guess is that she will want space, and she may not be in touch with you or the group very much for a while.

This is so helpful, thank you for taking the time to write that. Some very good advice. She’s definitely withdrawn and doesnt really respond to anyone, which I totally understand. But will send her a message like that and I’m here when she feel ready to speak again.

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namechange7891011 · 19/03/2026 20:37

Op you sound like a really good friend. I have had extensive fertility treatment and was so lucky in that my two best friends were so supportive and understanding… i have always said that I will never forget how patient they were with me and how grateful I am. For me, some of that support was just allowing me to have space and being understanding. Deep down, on top of my grief, I also felt like a bit of a bad friend as I couldn’t face asking them about their children or sending their children birthday presents etc. It helped me a lot that they never made me feel bad and reassured me that they understood I was going through a hard time and that it was ok that I wasn’t being involved in the child related stuff. They would offer to meet up with me and make it clear it was just for us and no children, and never rubbed baby/child stuff in my face.

I think when faced with infertility, at least in my case, I don’t always think rationally. I knew deep down I was happy for others but the pain and frustration of it never being MY turn, made me shut off from people or have anger. I therefore agree with the previous poster that the friendship may go cold for a while. The pain of wanting children and knowing it may never happen can be BRUTAL. You feel like everyone else is moving forward and you are just stuck there.. for days, months, years.

I think the best thing u could do is to tell your friend you recognise how her seeing or talking about children can be very painful for her. That you are there for her regardless whenever she needs and that you are thinking of her and how unfair it all is.

Miraclemuma03 · 20/03/2026 00:38

Your friend must be having a very hard time right now and probably is going to start distancing herself from the group and if she needs space then give it to her but make sure your available to support her when she needs it. As in your other friend having her first, she is well within her rights to go big and be excited as this is her first and she should be allowed to be excited , we dont know what their struggles were to get there and everyone has their own story. Also with you being pregnant and being your third, you are also allowed to be excited. It doesnt matter how many kids you have, each one is exciting and allowed to be celebrated. Your friend is having a hard time at the moment but her time will come and when it does she will need her friends more then ever.

Original poster

Chai88 · 20/03/2026 08:22

namechange7891011 · 19/03/2026 20:37

Op you sound like a really good friend. I have had extensive fertility treatment and was so lucky in that my two best friends were so supportive and understanding… i have always said that I will never forget how patient they were with me and how grateful I am. For me, some of that support was just allowing me to have space and being understanding. Deep down, on top of my grief, I also felt like a bit of a bad friend as I couldn’t face asking them about their children or sending their children birthday presents etc. It helped me a lot that they never made me feel bad and reassured me that they understood I was going through a hard time and that it was ok that I wasn’t being involved in the child related stuff. They would offer to meet up with me and make it clear it was just for us and no children, and never rubbed baby/child stuff in my face.

I think when faced with infertility, at least in my case, I don’t always think rationally. I knew deep down I was happy for others but the pain and frustration of it never being MY turn, made me shut off from people or have anger. I therefore agree with the previous poster that the friendship may go cold for a while. The pain of wanting children and knowing it may never happen can be BRUTAL. You feel like everyone else is moving forward and you are just stuck there.. for days, months, years.

I think the best thing u could do is to tell your friend you recognise how her seeing or talking about children can be very painful for her. That you are there for her regardless whenever she needs and that you are thinking of her and how unfair it all is.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’m glad you had good friends around you when going through such a tough time. Hope you’re doing better now. Thanks for the good advice too. I will definitely give her space, but also make sure she knows I’m here when she’s ready. And we’re all praying and hoping her next round of ivf will work!

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Original poster

Chai88 · 20/03/2026 08:26

Miraclemuma03 · 20/03/2026 00:38

Your friend must be having a very hard time right now and probably is going to start distancing herself from the group and if she needs space then give it to her but make sure your available to support her when she needs it. As in your other friend having her first, she is well within her rights to go big and be excited as this is her first and she should be allowed to be excited , we dont know what their struggles were to get there and everyone has their own story. Also with you being pregnant and being your third, you are also allowed to be excited. It doesnt matter how many kids you have, each one is exciting and allowed to be celebrated. Your friend is having a hard time at the moment but her time will come and when it does she will need her friends more then ever.

Thanks for this. Yes I’m definitely supporting my other friend to celebrate her pregnancy too. But it’s a very conflicted situation. I don’t mind not celebrating or making a fuss over my pregnancy though. Wouldn’t feel right and I have no need for it anyway. And when my other friend gets pregnant it will be the best news ever!

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Moosey898 · 20/03/2026 11:47

Gosh this is such a hard situation for all of you.
I'm that friend struggling (5 losses including one at 22 weeks), just had our first round of IVF and that also failed.

I've totally withdrawn away from anything to do with babies, pregnancy, and also withdrawn a lot from anything to do with my friends' kids, even if they are older because it's so painful for me to to face up to the fact I may never get to be a parent. As others have said, IVF is all consuming. I disagree that the friend having a baby shower is disrespectful - she should absolutely be able to celebrate. So long as there are no expectations on the friend doing IVF to be involved.

I had a case recently where someone was complaining about "hating on life" because they were tired with a 1 year old and a second due in May, and they chose to tell me that. I was absolutely furious. This doesn't mean they aren't allowed to feel that way, of course they are! But it's a case of choosing the audience. Someone else with a 1 year old perhaps rather than someone struggling.

I'd suggest that if you have a group chat or group meet ups etc that that is the time to focus on you guys and not the babies or pregnancies. If she chooses to step away for a time, that's ok. In terms of how you can support her, I agree with a previous suggestion of messaging her to say you can't imagine how hard what she is going through is, and that you want to be there for her.

It's tricky because I've definitely found that people have judged me for stepping away, but I'm doing that to protect myself. I would say you sound like a good friend, understanding her struggles and need for boundaries.

MocktailMe · 20/03/2026 15:57

"Your friend is having a hard time at the moment but her time will come and when it does she will need her friends more then ever."

Definitely don't say anything close to this. Her time might not ever come, and knowing that is why infertility is so hard.

I actually prefer people not to bring it up with me. Ask how I am, if I tell you an important IVF date - remember it and check in. Beyond that, let me lead the way. Don't bang on about your kids, or your pregnancy, or anyone else's pregnancy. That's really all I ask.

Original poster

Chai88 · 20/03/2026 19:15

Moosey898 · 20/03/2026 11:47

Gosh this is such a hard situation for all of you.
I'm that friend struggling (5 losses including one at 22 weeks), just had our first round of IVF and that also failed.

I've totally withdrawn away from anything to do with babies, pregnancy, and also withdrawn a lot from anything to do with my friends' kids, even if they are older because it's so painful for me to to face up to the fact I may never get to be a parent. As others have said, IVF is all consuming. I disagree that the friend having a baby shower is disrespectful - she should absolutely be able to celebrate. So long as there are no expectations on the friend doing IVF to be involved.

I had a case recently where someone was complaining about "hating on life" because they were tired with a 1 year old and a second due in May, and they chose to tell me that. I was absolutely furious. This doesn't mean they aren't allowed to feel that way, of course they are! But it's a case of choosing the audience. Someone else with a 1 year old perhaps rather than someone struggling.

I'd suggest that if you have a group chat or group meet ups etc that that is the time to focus on you guys and not the babies or pregnancies. If she chooses to step away for a time, that's ok. In terms of how you can support her, I agree with a previous suggestion of messaging her to say you can't imagine how hard what she is going through is, and that you want to be there for her.

It's tricky because I've definitely found that people have judged me for stepping away, but I'm doing that to protect myself. I would say you sound like a good friend, understanding her struggles and need for boundaries.

So sorry to hear what you’ve gone through, can’t imagine how hard that must be. Really hope you get good news soon.

thanks so much for your reply. My friend has actually left our group chat, for reasons you’re pointing out - kids updates etc. She will speak to most of us individually though, but she’s going through hell very clearly.

Sorry to hear you felt judged for stepping away. I really don’t want my friend to feel like that so thanks for your advice.

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Original poster

Chai88 · 20/03/2026 19:17

MocktailMe · 20/03/2026 15:57

"Your friend is having a hard time at the moment but her time will come and when it does she will need her friends more then ever."

Definitely don't say anything close to this. Her time might not ever come, and knowing that is why infertility is so hard.

I actually prefer people not to bring it up with me. Ask how I am, if I tell you an important IVF date - remember it and check in. Beyond that, let me lead the way. Don't bang on about your kids, or your pregnancy, or anyone else's pregnancy. That's really all I ask.

This is great advice, thank you. And I agree, my friend has been told it’s about 20% IVF will work, which aren’t the best odds.

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Miraclemuma03 · 21/03/2026 09:19

I think you must be an amazing friend to have. The support you show just on this thread alone tells me what sort of person you are. Im the same when I am pregnant. I usually keep it low key and actually no one knows im pregnant until about a month after giving birth, I just have so much go wrong and its too much work keeping people up to date so we just quietly go through it all alone. I had a second trimester tfmr, no one knew we were pregnant, we went through it alone and 3 days later went to my friend's baby shower. It wasnt until we shared cremation ceremony that anyone knew we were pregnant and gave birth .

Original poster

Chai88 · 23/03/2026 07:55

Miraclemuma03 · 21/03/2026 09:19

I think you must be an amazing friend to have. The support you show just on this thread alone tells me what sort of person you are. Im the same when I am pregnant. I usually keep it low key and actually no one knows im pregnant until about a month after giving birth, I just have so much go wrong and its too much work keeping people up to date so we just quietly go through it all alone. I had a second trimester tfmr, no one knew we were pregnant, we went through it alone and 3 days later went to my friend's baby shower. It wasnt until we shared cremation ceremony that anyone knew we were pregnant and gave birth .

Thanks for your reply and so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Incredible how you went to the baby shower after that. Hope you’re doing okay now.

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aLogLady · 23/03/2026 08:29

Agree with @Miraclemuma03 you sound like a very kind friend to be working out how best to support your friend. What @MocktailMe said about it possibly never working being the hardest thing is exactly accurate, it’s the most torturous thing. And to keep trying you have to keep accepting miscarriages and failed cycles. I didn’t go to a few baby showers as I thought it’d be unnecessarily painful. Also, it makes me squirm anyway heh.

I also agree though with another poster about yours and your friend’s right to celebrate your own pregnancies. And that there’s not anything you can say to make it better. But being thought of goes a million miles. Addressing the pain someone is going through indirectly by just checking in with a friendly text, seeing them outside of baby related stuff, will likely help with the isolation side of things. The wife of my partner’s friend who also struggled (but we’d recently been round to meet their beautiful baby) sent me little gifts completely randomly to try give courage and I’m still so moved she reached out like that.

finiteelement · 24/03/2026 23:57

Chai88 · 20/03/2026 08:26

Thanks for this. Yes I’m definitely supporting my other friend to celebrate her pregnancy too. But it’s a very conflicted situation. I don’t mind not celebrating or making a fuss over my pregnancy though. Wouldn’t feel right and I have no need for it anyway. And when my other friend gets pregnant it will be the best news ever!

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Your infertile friend might never get pregnant. That's the really awful sad thing. Hopefully she will but she doesn't know and you don't know if or when it will happen, that's why there is nothing you can say to make her feel better.
It makes sense for her to leave the group chat but good that she is in touch individually. The other pregnant friend is of course entitled to be excited but could have a bit more thought for her audience. You are also entitled to be excited - I'm not sure if by this I don’t mind not celebrating or making a fuss over my pregnancy though. Wouldn’t feel right and I have no need for it anyway you mean you're not making a fuss in front of your infertile friend or just generally because you're now having a third child, but no reason not to celebrate with people who are not struggling.