Told DH about BFP and he hasn’t come near me all day!

[lhun3]

Second round of IVF through NHS, only had 3 follicles collected after max Merifort dose (right overy did not respond!). Only 1 egg fertilised and had a fresh day 3 transfer on 2nd March. Completed TWW and had no symptoms other than usually pessaries cramping, didn’t test early (which was hard!) and waited until 12dp3dt to test!!

Got a positive results first thing and told DH starlight away, he opened his eyes and told me he was going back to sleep! I’ve had no symptoms at all so told him I would retest in a few hours.

Retested and told him it’s still positive, he decided to ignore me all day and not acknowledge the news 🫣 I haven’t stopped crying all day!

We have been trying for 10 years and now it’s finally happened he is acting like it’s the worst news in the world 🥺 I’ve left him alone to process and speak to me when he’s ready.

Today (Mothers Day) is my official test date and Positive is still there now showing 2-3 weeks pregnant 🤰🏻

What do I do?

First of all congratulations!! I'm sorry that this is the reaction you got. Do you think he is in shock/worried about something going wrong? I have heard of people reacting with an initial 'oh my God I'm not ready' even after years of infertility but you know your husband best, has he been excited throughout this round of treatment and the TWW? Does he normally react this way if he is upset or is it completely out of character?

Unfortunately it is completely normal for him to go quiet when he is overwhelmed, it happens quite a lot and I give him time and space to recover

He has struggled throughout the entire IVF process, we agreed that this would be the last round as he can’t handle anymore

@lhun3 I’m really sorry to hear your partner is reacting like this, I really hope as the news sinks in he will start to get his head around it and feel less overwhelmed, so that he can be happy and be there for you. But in the meantime, please know that I am so happy for you!!! Congratulations!! It’s absolutely wonderful to get a positive test! Especially after all this time. Please don’t worry about not having any symptoms, it’s much too early to be feeling real symptoms yet.

I hope you’re able to allow yourself to feel happiness despite your partner’s reaction, as right now you are pregnant! ❤️

Congratulations on your positive test. Your husband may be overwhelmed with the bfp and might be thinking about all the negatives that can go wrong after all those years of ttc. Even so, its a very disappointing response and he needs to do better and step up with his support and love.

Thanks, I agree! I went out for Mother’s Day with my mum and it was quite nice to tell her and have her excited ☺️ it was nice to escape the negativity at home and actually celebrate and be excited for the baby!

He wrote me a long letter when I got home, explained that he couldn’t speak about his feelings but he is consumed by fear and regret. He has agreed to go back to counselling and I agreed to give him space, I thought we had moved on but today he still won’t speak to me or even touch me. When we were driving home from the supermarket he said: that’s not the problem, the only problem is the thing in your stomach 😳 I was in shock, couldn’t believe it and told him that he hurt and disrespected me, I told him I understand that he’s upset but what he said really hurt me.

Once again, back to not speaking to me. It’s been less than 48 hours since I told him the test was positive, how am I supposed to carry on for the next 9 months 🫤

For context, we have been married 10 years and together for 21 years. That is over half of our lives in this relationship.

I'm so sorry, that sounds so difficult! I am glad you were able to celebrate with your mum! When you said to him that you understand he is upset, why do you think he is upset? I can understand fear around something going wrong but upset? I hope you can focus on yourself and baby and can still make this time as special as possible. If you need anyone to talk to about symptoms/lack thereof, nerves, scanxiety etc we're all here!!!

Thank you so much! His letter listed many many fears and upon reflection he now realises he doesn’t want a child and that we have a perfect marriage and family life without children as it is 😒 We have been in the NHS fertility system since 2020 and trying since 2016 🫣

I guess when something works it shows you what you truly want/don’t want 😭

How awful for you, I'm so sorry. Hopefully with some time he'll process it. He's made a commitment and even gone through fertility treatment for this, so regardless of what is thoughts are now, he needs to support you and the child going forward. Hopefully you can both move forward with this but if not then he will still need to contribute etc. Please don't let him put pressure on you not to continue the pregnancy. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hope things improve soon with some time for him to process!

Thank you so much 🥺

Just to update anyone following, I went to see my GP today and ask for bloods to show him something real. It’s so hard for men when they can’t be involved in IVF

I’m so sorry @lhun3 but also congratulations

I went through something very similar with my ex husband - together 20 years married over 10. Multiple miscarriages and ectopics and many failed rounds of IVF. From the moment I got the BFP and worse when I found out I was having twins he changed. He didn’t get better. He detached and disengaged from the pregnancy - he missed the birth - and was gone by the time they were 1. He said he never actually expected it to work (never mind me spending £35k on IVF!) He said he couldn’t/didn’t love them the same way as our eldest naturally conceived child

maybe this is just a oh shit it’s actually worked blip but his behaviour is going to take this moment away from you and that’s not fair. He is making this all about himself and that shows who he really is.

don’t let him drag you down - you deserve to enjoy this x

Oh my god I’m so sorry you went through this 😭

@lhun3 thanks its ok though everything happens for a reason

Don’t let him ruin this for you

give him a couple of weeks and if he doesn’t sort himself out apply for a divorce

if you are divorced by the time the baby is born you don’t even have to put him on the birth certificate and he won’t have any parental rights - one thing I wish I’d done with my twins.

I have asked for a blood test from the doctors to give him a way to realise this is actually happening, we have a scan in 3 weeks at the fertility centre and he is going to counselling. I honestly hope this is a blip 🥺

I don’t know if a blood test will honestly do the trick - it’s just numbers on a piece of paper

can you arrange an early scan privately? I had to have one at 6+1 due to previous history of ectopics and that was when I was told it was twins and heard their heartbeats - perhaps seeing your baby on screen is the connection he needs?

I think you’re right, told him how I felt this evening and now he’s back to not speaking to me because he can’t handle hearing my feelings or emotions 🥺

Feeling so lonely when this should be the happiest time

I'm so sorry 😞 we are all excited for you!!

I’m sorry OP he sounds like an overgrown selfish man baby who can’t cope things are no longer all about him - he knows this tiny baby is already the centre of your life

Dont let him take away your excitement. You have been through the wars of trying to conceive and finally have a bfp, you have all the excitement and happiness in the world and let him wallow in his own mysery.

Thank you so much 🥺 he’s mentioned that he doesn’t want to talk about the baby until it arrives and I can’t believe it 🤯

what about planning the nursery? What about planning our lives? He’s just deluded and denying it even exists 😳

My ex h was like this - any time I tried to talk about the baby(ies) he shut it down pretty quickly - hated touching the bump

can you take a break from him and go to your mums for a few days/week - you deserve to celebrate this and you don’t need the stress of being around his negativity

I want to @sellingrocksbut she is moving house this week so won’t have room for me, and to be completely honest I’m not very close to my mum! She is lovely and I love her but she is too much drama

I haven’t told anyone about this or his behaviour only the helpful people on this thread 🥺

Oh that’s a shame - I was wondering if a swift sharp shock might make him see sense - and if he thinks you can do this entirely without him whether it will be make him wake up

Dont accept what he’s saying - it’s absurd to suggest you can’t talk about the baby until it arrives and I hope you told him so

can you tell him to go? Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to move out for a few day?

He has no where to go and his behaviour would make it impossible, I have a GP appointment on Friday to ask for some help 🥺

I will have to wait for his counselling to start (luckily it’s private so should be quite quick) and hope he finds some help and answers from someone impartial 🤷🏻‍♀️

hi OP has he been any better? X