Should we try again? WWYD?

[Teddingtonforsale]

DH and I met when I was 37. I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Insufficiency at 39 after trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant. Fast forward 5 years or so of IVF. Repeated failure to implant even with donor eggs. We’ve changed clinics and donors and still have 3 embryos left in storage. I ended up leaving my senior role in July of last year as I was burnt out emotionally and physically. Financially we’ve also spent a small fortune on all this IVF. And now I’m not earning so it’s really hard to justify spending extra money on transferring the remaining embryos. I wouldn’t do them in 1 transfer and each transfer costs about £1,600 when you add in extra costs and flights to the European clinic. We initially used London clinics but then switched to a clinic in Europe as they offered a 5 embryo guarantee with donor eggs. Have been to multiple consultants and they cannot find any reason for the repeated failure to implant. We’ve done about 8 transfers and had 2 chemical pregnancies and the rest nothing happened. All PGTA tested, donors of 22-24 years old.

I’m turning 45 end of May. My DH is 48. We struggle to come to terms with being childless. And adoption / fostering doesn’t seem the right step for us.

We’re already so advanced in age at this point to be new parents. But we are both grieving that it hasn’t worked out for us. We’re also both from (different) cultures that are both very family orientated. I suppose I’m looking for either a ‘what would you do?’ Or advice on how to learn to live with this, from people that have been through similar. Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far xx

I didn't want to read and run. I'm not in your shoes, but I think everyone has a limit of when its time to stop. Only you and your husband know your limit (and how its shaped by finances, age, mental health, alternatives etc).

Have you ever had the very open discussion of at what point enough is enough for you both and you're going to stop?

My wife and I had that disucssion, and as our journey has progressed continue to have that discussion. We're lucky enough to have had succuess, so our situation is different, but I've just started meds for our last FET with our last embryo. This is our agreed end point, whatever the outcome. Its definitely confronting coming to our end point, but I can also see whats next for us whichever way this goes, and that its ok whatever the outcome, because I've had a long time to process (several years actually) that this is our limit.

I would say you and your husband need to sit down together and decide where is the limit for you. It might be now. It might be you decide that you transfer up to the remaining 3 embryos and call it a day after that if nothing sticks. It might be further down the road from that. Its easy to keep doing 'just one more' round, so I think knowing when enough is enough for you is important.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do

Hi, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t share personal experiences, but I’ve seen friends choose many different paths. Some continued treatment and eventually had success on their seventh attempt. Others chose adoption, and some decided to stay childfree after failed transfers.
Whatever you choose, it may never feel like a perfect decision. Try to focus on what feels closest to your heart and what you and your partner can live with peacefully.
If you are considering a clinic abroad, the team at Fertility Clinics Abroad is very knowledgeable about the specifics of fertility clinics across Europe. Speaking with them might help you feel more confident that you’re choosing the right clinic for your situation.
If making the decision feels overwhelming, it might help to agree on a simple process with your husband. For example, you could write your options on paper and pick one from a jar, or choose an option and give yourselves a month. If neither of you changes your mind during that time, you follow that path.
I hope this helps, even a little.

Thank you both for such kind and thoughtful responses. We’ve had the conversation about stopping, quite a few times since the last failure last Sept. We’ve tried to live with the decision since then but both struggle individually with it. That awful ‘what if’ keeps lurking in the back of my mind. My husband does say stop but his heart wants a child so badly. And I want that for both of us. I suppose it’s grieving and learning to live with it. As we are definitely emotionally, financially and for me, physically spent by this. I think the worst part is that the top London consultants cannot find any reason why this isn’t working - and we’ve BOTH had endless investigations. Him with J Ramsay, me at the Lister, Evewell and London Women’s Clinic.

thank you both again for taking the time to respond. Deeply appreciative Xxx

Its a hard decision to make. You have to make a decision about how you will either manage to keep moving forward with ivf or how you make the decision to stop. For me because the embryos are already there, id try to use them, then it takes away the what ifs , if they didnt work then you know you tried your best. Have you spoke to the clinic about different protocols, like testing nk cells/immunity issues, tracking progesterone, checking thyroid activity, im sure you have done these things and trialled everything but id talk to your clinic about other alternatives.

Thank you @Miraclemuma03 really kind of you to respond. Yes I’ve had the EMMA/ERA/Alice testing and taken vaginal probiotics on the back of the results. Gynae worked out exactly how many hours of progesterone I needed before FET.

Have done all the thyroid tests and a whole rake of tests looking for immunity problems, anaemia etc. cannot find anything other than my hormones being all over the place from on off HRT and IVF meds. Have done the blood thinners and the vitamins and the whole foods, sugar and dairy free eating plans. Husband has had two varicoceles removed and took the impryl to support healthy sperm. The only thing we haven’t done that a consultant recommended, and don’t intend to, is go for a double donor. As we think it’s too much to expect a donor conceived person to go through life without knowing any of their heritage or medical background. But that was the right choice for us, no judgement on other peoples’ decision on that.

That is alot of testing. I have no other ideas. Someone else might might have ideas. Maybe have you got undiagnosed endo or something that hasnt been picked up and there could be scar tissue that is making implantation to hard. I really dont know. You have been through alot and surely the donors embryos arnt all duds .

It’s baffling!

That's so difficult OP.
I do have a child now via egg donation, and have now reached what was supposed to be our agreed end point (used our last embryo). And we are about to shift the goal posts and try again with a new donor. But I don't have the energy for more than a few more transfers so will probably reach end point this year (also having treatment abroad).
I have no ideas to suggest as it sounds like you've tried everything.
Only you two can decide what's right for you...can you take a break for a few months, plan another transfer and see how you feel as the time approaches. You don't have to go through with it if you don't want to, no one can make you get in the plane. Sometimes I've felt propelled along by the relentlessness of it all and it's okay to give yourself permission to stop. But stopping feels shit if after all that you've been so very unlucky. It's a huge amount of grief to process.
I did have a good counsellor if you haven't already spoken to someone.

Testing - haven’t been able to post replies.

Looks like it’s back working now, whatever gremlins were in the system.

I logged in and saw your message Daisypizza. But couldn’t get my replies to actually post. Thank you so much for the reply. So glad to hear it worked for you. But sorry you’re still on the IVF treadmill. It’s such a head wrecker isn’t it?! The always ‘what if’.

I cancelled my last FET that was due to be done at beginning of March. My stress and anxiety levels were off the charts as we were in the middle of house renovations, plus family coming to visit, plus I’d just started a PT re-training course. So it was just too much to squeeze in. I knew it wouldn’t work if I was so stressed. Also the oestrogen drives my BP down to the point that I regularly pass out. I have low BP anyway and high does of oestrogen affect your BP. All rounds bit of a mess. So I cancelled it 5 days before the actual transfer. No regrets about that decision but still left with these 3 embryos sitting in the freezer.

good luck on your journey. I hope you find the peace and outcome you are seeking.

@Teddingtonforsale
Didn’t want to read and run. It’s taken us 7 transfers to get pregnant. Still only very early days but you have to keep moving forward. There were times when I was on the floor unable to even think about the next 10 minutes never mind the next few years going through it again and again. Just keep going!

Also @Teddingtonforsale I am going through a stressful period with outside factors going on and no time to even think at the minute and it happened. There’s no rhyme nor reason to it. Don’t blame yourself. The first few transfers I avoided all stress, wouldn’t even have a cold drink!!! Like that would affect implantation ha!

Thank you @PepperPot88 . So kind to respond, and your enthusiasm is uplifting.

best of luck, so happy for you that it’s worked 🙏🤞

Have you been investigated for endo? You can be symptom free and it doesn’t show up on ultrasound but can be seen via laparoscopy. Have you tried an endometrial scratch prior to transfer? That worked for a friend of mine on her 5th cycle and countless failed transfers.