Miscarriage Feelings

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I recently had a very early miscarriage after IVF. This is my second miscarriage. One of the things that has struck me most is how lonely this experience can feel. Even people who love you, friends, family, colleagues and sometimes even your partner, often don’t really know how to respond or how to support you.

There seems to be an unspoken expectation that you should move on quickly, especially once the physical symptoms are over. If you’re no longer bleeding or in pain, people assume you’re fine. But the emotional side is not talked about much. And when you do try to talk about it, the conversation can get awkward, dismissed, or just quietly avoided. The reality, the trauma, the bleeding, the loss, can make others uncomfortable because they cannot relate.

Meanwhile, you are left grieving a tiny human who barely existed in the world yet still existed completely in your heart. Even knowing that it was very early, even knowing it was just cells, does not change the sense of loss.

I am not entirely sure why I am posting this. I think I just want to hear from others, what your experiences were like, and how long it took you to feel like yourself again. I am incredibly grateful to already have a child and I know how lucky I am. But that gratitude does not erase or invalidate the trauma of this miscarriage.

It doesnt matter how many children you have, the loss is real , it hurts, its physically, emotionally and spiritually painful losing a pregnancy that was very much wanted no matter how far along you are. Iv had 11 MC and I have had to have a TFMR at 16 weeks my husband and I walked through those loses alone, when I had my son at 16 weeks I had no one come to see me, no one messaged me, no one checked in, no one asked me if I needed anything. We ended up cutting everyone off. They were not our friends when the worst thing in our lives happend and they let us walk through it alone without even 1 single message to check in. MC should be talked about more often, its usually the hardest time in a person's life and its very traumatising, sometimes you just want someone to ask if your going to be alright, come over and make you a cuppa and just give you a shoulder to cry on. It is very isolating and loney and it really shouldnt be. Im very sorry you have been through this and you feel your going through it alone. Sometimes these community boards can be very helpful for some support but sometimes its not the same as having someone physically there with you to talk to. I hope your going to be ok. You will get through this, but there is no rush. After my last loss in December, it took everything in me I had to pick myself back up , dust off and keep moving forward.

I am so sorry about your loss too. Twelve weeks is so hard. I cannot even imagine. Mine were at 5–6 weeks, and I kept thinking about all the women who experience losses later, like you, or even right after birth. I truly cannot imagine how painful that must be.
I am not sure if people feel awkward or scared to ask or offer help, but you would think that by adulthood people would have developed those skills and be able to offer support. I have also felt disappointed in some people during this and sometimes just want to crawl into a hole or cut them off.
If anything, I think infertility and loss do make you a more sensitive person and more aware of others who might be going through something difficult. It changes how you see people and what they might be carrying that you cannot see.

Hi Op (and Miraclemum), just posting for solidarity. I had a MMC at 8+5 weeks after my first FET following over 3 years of trying and 5 attempted collection rounds (very low reserve meaning not many if any eggs each time). It was genuinely devastating to have seen the little flicker of the heartbeat and then for that heartbeat to have stopped. Like you I know it was only a bunch of cells, but the grief around what it could have been was awful. We have since been very lucky to finally have a successful pregnancy on our 3rd transfer, but this does not mean that I have deleted the grief for the one that could have been. I still think about it every year on the due date and at other times when there is a trigger and I don’t think other people around really understand, they just assume that because we have eventually been successful the miscarriage no longer matters.

I think what you said above is really accurate, I saw a therapist throughout quite a bit of my IVF journey and they really made me recognise how much I had changed as a person, how I’d gained a level of empathy that I just didn’t have before, not just to fellow IVFers, but to people going through things in general. Also, now we finally have our daughter, I cannot explain the gratitude I have for this, I could genuinely cry every day with happiness. I know I’d love her even if I hadn’t had to go through this journey, but I really don’t think I would have the same level of gratitude, and this now forms part of the person I am.

So ultimately, I think it just becomes part of who you are and you gain acceptance of that, rather than necessarily ‘feeling normal again’.

I’m so sorry for your loss too, and for the long, difficult road into parenthood. We also went through IVF, with several rounds of transfers and collections. When you combine that with miscarriages, it really takes such a deep toll. It feels like it chips away at a part of your soul. It’s such an emotional, exhausting experience. Thank you for sharing your story.

I’m so sorry for your loss . It’s such a difficult thing to go through. I had a missed miscarriage once. I had a normal scan at ten weeks then they stopped growing at 11 weeks . I took a month off work. I found it so hard, we had been trying for ages before that and I eventually got pregnant after a hycosy. To be honest I wouldn’t really have wanted to talk to people about it I told a few very close people to me and one work colleague and that was it. I found those people very supportive. I didn’t want anyone else knowing. I also had a child at the time who was two I remember balling crying for days on end in my bedroom while my DH looked after him . It took months and months for me to feel normal again but every day it got easier .

I’m so sorry. This sounds incredibly hard. I took half a week off work, but honestly I probably should have taken more. During my first miscarriage, I didn’t even realise my workplace had a policy that allowed time off for this. I worked through a deadline and I regret it deeply. It was such a painful time.

I think I’ve been more open about my miscarriage this time because, after years of IVF, I’ve come to realise how many people go through this quietly. I wanted to speak more openly about it and help bring awareness to just how hard it really is.