I think I’m posting this just to have an opportunity to get things off my chest in a space that feels safe given the people who may read this will unfortunately be experiencing the same things.
I am 31 years old and my partner and I have been trying to conceive for almost 4 years. In January 2024 I had a laparoscopy relating to my periods. I found out that my tubes were “coiled” and blocked and that would mean if we wanted children we would need to go down the route of IVF. I was given a diagnosis of unexplained infertility which, in my opinion, is an absolute farce.
First off I needed to lose nearly 5 stone. I did that. September 2025 comes around and we were starting our first cycle. I felt so excited because finally we were here after over a year of intense pressure to lose the weight. 7 eggs collected, 4 fertilised and 1 poor quality blastocyst. I remember the feeling on the day of my transfer when the embryologist called. She basically tried to convince me it wasn’t even worth transferring.
“I know some people who have had lots of negative pregnancy tests find it triggering,”
She confirmed what I already knew but I went ahead with it anyway because even the slightest chance was worth it. I was up and down in the two week wait. Feeling hopeful at times and really low at others. Two days before I was due to test I was in work and started bleeding heavily. It had failed. I cried and cried for days. So did my partner it was just awful. This cycle was over and I was so keen to start again as soon as possible.
January 2026 comes around and we’re starting again. We had a new protocol, I was on a higher dose of stims and the hopeful feelings were back. 9 eggs, 5 fertilised and 1 average quality blastocyst. I was told the day of my transfer the other 4 weren’t out of the running just yet and they’d give them another day. The following day I had a phone call to say none of them could be frozen. I had a little cry in the staff room at work and then returned to my job. I got to testing day this time without bleeding. I was so hopeful. Then the words “not pregnant” came up on the little screen and I was crushed. That was 4 days ago. Our second cycle is over and done with too.
I know there are people in similar positions or have been through it a lot longer than I have but I feel so hard done by. My emotions flit between sadness and anger. I can’t believe how angry I actually am. Angry at my body, angry with my “diagnosis”, angry with the clinic, even though they have been brilliant. When I was on the phone with the nurse to tell her my result, she was being sympathetic and sincere but I just wanted to tell her to stick her sympathy because I didn’t want it. I want a baby. I know how truly awful that sounds. This is another reason I’m posting this here because as kind as people have been unless you’ve been through it you just don’t understand. Which also makes it very isolating.
We are now out of funding. Thankfully we are able to fund a cycle privately but I am absolutely terrified. The physical impact IVF has on a woman’s body as well as the emotional impact is not for the faint of heart. I would do it a million times over if it means we can have a child but it doesn’t make it any less unfair.