IVF...on the fence

[HM2024]

I need to make a decision (and pay a lot of money) soon if we are going to go ahead with IVF. We have been on the waiting list since June and hoped to get a BFP before then but it has not happened.

I don't want to do it - and I know that no one actually does but I am really really struggling and stressing with the decision to go ahead or not.

We are so lucky to have DD who is wonderful and have secondary unexplained infertility.

I feel like people just feel 'sure' that it is the right next move for them, and I'm finding it so difficult.

I am sorry you’re in this situation. I feel very much in a similar position. Due to have the consultation and do the legal paperwork in early Jan but for a long time I haven’t wanted to go down the IVF route. Anyone I know who has done it has had explained infertility, whereas apart from my age (37.5), we don’t. Which I feel makes it a harder decision.

how old is your DD? And how old are you if you’re happy to say?

Mine is 2.5 and every month that goes by now with a BFN I just think of that age gap getting bigger and also me getting older. I’m pretty sure I ovulated on day 9 this month so feel I’m already out even with 2 weeks to wait. Therefore it’s helped me come round more to the decision that we maybe just need a bit of help. I don’t want her to be an only one. And if she is, want to be able to tell her when she is older that we tried.

not everyone gets on with their siblings but I feel my own sister is one of the greatest gifts, I wouldn’t want her to miss out on the potential of the same thing… that’s pretty much my motivation at this point. We tried for DD for 2 years and have been TTC again for 18 months. But again, I’m a few years older now and the odds have dropped further.

is there anything in particular that is holding you back or making you doubt? Is it the meds, the emotional side or just that it’s not “natural”/invasive procedure? - in all honesty that’s what I have struggled with previously.

What are your reservations with starting treatment? Can hopefully offer some experience or advice. But also if you actually don’t want to do it that’s ok too, ivf isn’t for everyone. There’s lots of unknowns which can be daunting but everyone’s experience is different so it’s hard to predict how you’ll feel or respond to treatment. Some breeze through it and for others it’s more challenging.

While there’s no guarantees with ivf, for me it felt hopeful to try something different rather than month after month of the same and every time a negative. Maybe eventually we would’ve conceived naturally (we’re unexplained and have never been told it’s not possible) but we’ve tried naturally between cycles and it hasn’t happened.

I’m glad we didn’t just keep trying for years longer with no intervention as it might never have happened or taken so long that the natural ageing process would’ve affected our chances anyway. Once I had my baby I was glad I didn’t wait a minute longer to start treatment and I felt so grateful to have had the opportunity to do ivf and it working.

We’re unexplained but for some people ivf can also help to understand why it’s not been working and potentially get closer to a solution which helps them have their baby (or second baby). If it helps, unexplained often isn’t actually unexplained but ‘there is something going on but we don’t yet know what it is or we don’t have the tests to diagnose it yet’. If you’d seek help with another medical issue then ivf is just the same. Some people just need a little bit (or big bit) of help to conceive even if they have conceived in the past without help. If you didn’t need glasses 5 years ago but are now struggling to see, you’d go to the opticians.

Fertility isn’t fixed so maybe something has changed since having your daughter? Or maybe it was one in a million luck the first time and a miracle that you did conceive naturally? Yes you are lucky to have your daughter, but that doesn’t mean you can’t want another child too. Probably part of the reason you’d like another child is because your daughter is so wonderful!

@HM2024if you are apprehensive about IVF it might be worth looking into fertylisis first to see if you can identify and rectify the unexplained diagnosis.

Not one person i know who needs ivf or is going through it was 100% sure they wanted to go ahead. Its one of those things that if your not falling pregnant naturally and you want a baby its something they feel they have no other choice and get on with it. Its true its not for everyone but those who do it make the most of it and jump right in and hope for the best. What exactly is holding you back from going ahead?

Thanks for your reply @TTCbaby2xox and sorry that you are going through it too💛

I'm 39 (nearly 40) and my DD is 4. So it is definitely going to be a 5 year age gap if it happens. I don't think that worries me too much though - it isn't what I planned but I still think it would be a benefit to her life.

This really resonates with me: And if she is, want to be able to tell her when she is older that we tried. I would like to be able to say we tried everything.

I think I am being held back by...

• my age meaning the chances of success are so low and I'm really not hopeful that it is going to happen
• it's a lot of money for a low chance of success
• the emotional side - this whole journey has been an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of lows. Throw in meds and likely coming out of it all unsuccessful - that is going to be really really hard to deal with.
• the meds - I haven't even fully considered how they are going affect me
• the appointments - hospital an hours drive away + appointment time and trying to juggle that around childcare / work

My OH would be happy if I said let's not do it. He has left the decision up to me but I know he is happy with how our life is now.

Thanks for your response @Strawberrryfields

I have come to thinking that anyone getting pregnant naturally is having insane luck! So maybe we did get super lucky first time round.

'Unexplained' really annoys me. There must be a reason! We just haven't researched enough to find out what it is. I hope couples in 10 years time aren't having the same 'unexplained' diagnosis.

My reservations are...

• my age (39, almost 40) meaning the chances of success are so low and I'm really not hopeful that it is going to work
• it's a lot of money for a low chance of success
• the emotional side - this whole journey has been an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of lows. Throw in meds and likely coming out of it all unsuccessful - that is going to be really really hard to deal with.
• the meds - I haven't even fully considered how they are going affect me
• the appointments - hospital an hours drive away + appointment time and trying to juggle that around childcare / work
• my OH has agreed to do ivf but isn't keen and I know would be happy if I said let's just stop ttc and move on. He's happy with life as it is.

Thanks @confused2025. That's interesting - I haven't heard of Fertylisis before and just had a Google. Have you used them?

Thanks @Miraclemuma03. I was sitting in our doctors appointment thinking everyone else that comes through these rooms wants to do this so much more than us. I'm nearly 40 and struggling with the 'hope for the best' with the odds being stacked against us.

I definitely understand where your coming from. I really want another baby but have had 3 failed transfers and 2 failed rounds and iv just miscarried and now im thinking how do I go again at my age.. though you might find it not so hard and could work relatively easy but I dont want to give you false hope. Dont be so sure that those other people coming through the door are feeling any differently then you are.

@HM2024 do you know your hormone levels etc? It isn't necessarily a low chance at 39/40. The % of chromosomally normal embryos is on average still fairly good. However that starts to bomb going into 41/42/43 so the time to give yourself a real chance is now.

IVF isn't that big a deal, other than the appointments inconvenience. If you can afford it just don't overthink it and let it glide over you.

So sorry you have had to go through all that @Miraclemuma03 and so sad you have just MC'd after everything :(

If we go ahead, it will just be one round. I honestly don't know how people can do multiple rounds and all the heartache.

This is really helpful to keep in my mind: Dont be so sure that those other people coming through the door are feeling any differently then you are.

I hadn't seen it this way.

@HM2024I had planned to do it if my second cycle failed - thankfully it worked and I got a positive just before my 40th. It does seem to be very in-depth though and seems to help some folks naturally conceive afterwards or have successful IVF cycles x

My AMH was 5.16 pmol/L (which I think translates to 0.72 ng/mL, which isn't great. The doctor just said it would help decide which protocol to put me on.

I am definitely over thinking it so that is good advice!

We did ivf
Im 39 in few days
And will be giving birth @ 39 1/4 years

We did pay for pgta testing which helped us

Based on your age - if u go ahead - id really recommend that

I was in the same position as you but 37 when I went for ivf with a 4 year old. I debated over it for ages , thinking of all the other things we could spend the money on instead. My DH wasn’t bothered either way Then I decided I would go for the ivf because I thought even if it doesn’t work it will give me some closure. It did work and I have a 5 year age gap between the kids now. No one can decide what you should do, but I definitely think if you are doing it go with pgta.

So after all the indecision...we are going for it. I don't feel hopeful (and honestly feel a bit foolish to think there's any chance it could work when I'm almost 40) but I want to have tried. Thank you for all your feedback. It was really really helpful.

@worldwidetravel2017 @TheIceBear Could you tell me more about the pgta testing please? I want to ask about this when I'm meeting a doctor. If you get embryos, do you freeze them and do the testing (instead of doing a fresh transfer with any)? Is the cost per embryo?

Hi again. I commented quite early on and have just seen your reply.
we are also going for it to. Eeek. Very nervous. Hoping to start on my next cycle end of the month/early Feb.
Just hope we are doing the right thing.

wish you lots of luck on your journey too. Feel free to message me if you want to chat about any of it xx

@TTCbaby2xox And big luck and hugs to you too.

I think I would have regretted not doing it so here we are. If it doesn't work, it will help me to emotionally close the chapter and move forward.

Sounds like we have similar timelines.

We are also going again lol the worst case scenario is it doesnt work the best case scenario is a healthy baby.

@HM2024 some places the cost is per embryo which is better , the clinic I went to it was a fixed cost for up to 5 embryos. Yes they get frozen while being tested so it has to be a frozen embryo transfer after