How to support friend going through IVF

[Marmite1992]

Hi,

I wanted some advice on how to be there for my friend and how to help her. She is going through IVF atm, she is really struggling and it's been unsuccessful so far and they have spent an eye watering amount of money. It's particularly tough because all of our friends have had babies one after the other, so it's really highlighted her situation.
She has been so kind and supportive of everyone and I don't know how she does it tbh.
I don't want to be patronising to her and keep saying "you'll get there keep the hope" as I obviously have no idea what she's really going though. I just don't know how to comfort her. I'm obviously always there to talk and offer support but I just can't help shake the feeling that I could be saying the wrong things.

First of all, you’re a great friend for posting and thinking of this.

I’m been through IVF this year and from my personal opinion (obvs others may disagree) I loved it when my friends did the following:
• random check-ins - just a WhatsApp to say ‘thinking of you, hope you’re okay, you’re doing so well’ etc.
• financially depending, send small thoughtful gifts (my sleep was awful cos of the meds, a friend sent me a lavender eye mask and magnesium spray etc)
• ask about the medications and how they affected me so they could understand more
• tried to include me in any plans they could, plan non-drinking things as you can’t really drink during IVF

Honestly I think just having friends be there for me and remember to check in was really nice. iVF can feel very isolating, especially if you don’t know or have someone else who’s going through it to talk about it.

If you’re wanting to learn more about the process etc, there’s a good book called IVF: everything you need to know that I recommended some of my family members and friends when I started.

good luck xx

Thank you so much for your kind advice and recommendations and I hope everything goes well for you 💓

I agree with above on alot of what they have commented. Also I find asking questions about the process to have more understanding of their personal journey and also shows an interest. offer to go to appointments if the partner can not go. I also personally could not stand comments like " this round was just not meant to be" or "maybe if its hard stop doing this to yourself", "stay positive it will work when its meant too". These comments to me and others like that really make me feel dismissed in my feelings during the thick of ivf. Just listening and asking questions is all you need to do, you dont need to say anything else. Asking what you can do to help is amazing and actually following through is great, offering to go around and cook a meal after an egg retrieval or transfer might be a great way to show support. In the two week wait, helping her keep her mind occupied and planning events that are not to exhausting and not fueled by alcohol. You could drop by with a puzzle and some food to spend a couple hrs relaxing but being present. This is the support I would have loved from friends and relatives but unfortunately it was just me and hubby going through it alone and being given shocking advice and opinions. Just dont be that person who gives advice and opinions especially when you dont know the process. Just listen and be available. Ivf can be a very gruelling and long process and if it gets exhausting for you just imagine how your friend must feel. It sounds like your already thoughtful and think about your friend and asking this question is already a great first step.

Ask her. Be honest that you want to be there for her but sometimes feel a bit out of your depth and don’t want to say the wrong thing. Let her know you love her and support her.

Some good advice above and it’s hard without knowing your friend but sometimes she might also not want to talk about any of it. Yes check in, ask how she is but also take her lead and let her know that you’re open to talk/ listen as much as she wants or to do something totally different. IVF can be relentless and sometimes you just want a break of all the heavy stuff and to be ‘normal’ for a bit. Do something fun, let your hair down and put a pause on all the fertility stuff for a bit - it can really take over.

Don’t suggest adoption. She’s knows that may be an option, it might be something she’s already wondered about, but if she’s still actively in treatment she’s not exploring that option right now.

If you get pregnant be normal with her (it can feel worse being handled with kid gloves) but be sensitive to the likelihood she’ll be happy for you but sad for herself and might find it hard or need some distance. It’s not personal. If you have a difficult pregnancy don’t hide it but she’s not the one to complain to about how hard it is etc. if you do have kids try to catch up without them sometimes if you can. In a group of mums the conversation will very often lean towards children or catch ups will be in child friendly places which can feel excluding.

Understand that she might find it difficult to plan things even if she wants to. It can be hard to look to far into the future when you don’t know what that future will look like. And timelines for treatment can really takeover and you’re on the clinics schedule rather than your own.

I’ve had my own experience with infertility but have friends who’ve had a different experiences - it can be a real spectrum depending on your diagnosis, how you feel about becoming a parent, the likeliness of that happening, your finances, your support network etc. It can be a minefield but being open, honest and empathetic is always going to be the right way to go. Maybe you might say the wrong thing unintentionally, but she’s your friend and knows you’re not perfect but will appreciate you making the effort.

I hope things work out for your friend and that she can find peace with whatever the future might look like.

You are such a lovely friend ❤️❤️

I’m struggling at the minute with friends going on about ‘mum friends’. Others sending pregnancy scans and positive pregnancy tests, and others not having the empathy as to why that might make me feel shit!

I wish I had friends like you because I’m so close to binning most of mine off. It is a very lonely journey. Nice to know that not everyone is wrapped up in themselves though- thank you for giving me that positivity ❤️ you have actually given a stranger (me) some support by reading your lovely post. Thank you xx

You sound so kind.

I agree with asking her questions (including the question 'do you want to talk about it?' to start with!).

Everyone is different, but I actually found chirpy positivity quite hard to deal with - I found it really hard when people talked as if it was a given that the cycle would work out. I had a lovely friend who kept referring to 'your babies' when I had fertilised eggs and no idea whether they'd make blastocysts/get through PGT-A testing), and she meant it nicely, but I found it really hard, because I knew they might well not make it and I did not want to think of them as babies yet.

Years ago, one of my good friends got pregnant just as I did two failed cycles of IUI (which is much less full-on than IVF), and she didn't talk to me at all. Later on she said she thought I'd have found it too painful to talk to her about pregnancy stuff, so she'd gone silent. And actually, that hurt more.

I would also say: if she gets pregnant, remember she might feel nervous or ambivalent for a very long time, and that's totally normal too.

I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time when you need the most support. I wish you all the best on this journey ❤️

Thank you all so much for spending the time to write such detailed replies! They've all been so helpful so thank you. I'm going to give my friend a little space atm and then check in next week as she hasn't replied to my last message (which I totally understand!) I've made it clear to her never to feel as if she has to reply. I hope you all have a great Christmas if you are celebrating and wishing you all the best