The IVF story I needed to read

[Usedtobealurker]

I thought I’d just share my own story for anyone feeling completely despondent about IVF working for them. Because that was me back in January 2024. I was non-stop googling for success stories to make me feel better and give me some hope, and I was desperately looking for someone in a similar position to me.

My husband and I had been TTC for 2 years. After 1 year and some fertility tests, we got pregnant (after an HSG) and had a missed miscarriage at about 7 weeks. We tried again after, but nothing. We’d had all the tests on the NHS and it was unexplained fertility - my AMH was low but pretty in line with my age (then 39) and not something which seemed to worry the consultant. Unfortunately we live in Hampshire where, because of my age, we weren’t eligible for any rounds of IVF on the NHS, so after 2 years of trying we decided to go down the private route.

They do all the tests again privately and in just a year my AMH had dropped dramatically to 0.5. The (private) consultant told us we may get no eggs and to be prepared for that or for getting very low numbers. I was put on the highest dose from the off, so there was nowhere to go if it didn’t work. My mantra all the way through became ‘we only need one good embryo’.

To cut a long story short we got 3 eggs. To many this would have been heartbreakingly low, but we were so happy to have got any. Miraculously, and against all the odds, ALL of them fertilised and got to day 5 and at day 5 we were told we had one hatching blastocyst which was of the highest quality to transfer. The other 2 embryos were taken to day 6 but neither were quite good enough quality to freeze in the end - but, ‘we only need one good embryo’. From this one chance, I am now the lucky mum to a son who is now one.

I know there’s a lot of luck and miracles involved in this but my advice would be: just do everything you possibly can to try to help the odds. I wanted to be able to tell myself that I was doing everything within my power to make this a success so I didn’t have to look back and say ‘what if I’d done x, y, z.

The things that helped me were:

• completely switching my mindset to thinking positively - it doesn’t come naturally to me so I had to do lots of work on this and I had been in a very dark place just before we started the IVF process.
• watching the Alex Jones IVF programme and seeing realistic stories, including success stories from people in similar situations to us.
• Taking Coq10 and following (fairly rigidly) everything else from the book ‘It starts with the egg’ including diet and lifestyle (e.g not using Tupperware, eating food from tins or using perfume etc etc.)
• I did mindfulness practices, including journaling, avoided any kind of stress (including ‘edge of seat’ tv shows and films), did low impact exercise only.
• We paid upfront for 2 cycles (only marginally more expensive than 1) and I think it really helped mentally feeling that we had that safety net and it didn’t all hinge on the first attempt - it felt like it really took the pressure off.

Anyway, I hope this story helps someone.

Ok, for balance, here's the story I needed to read.

Like most of us, I beat myself up endlessly. Was I too stressed? Was I eating the wrong things? Should I take another supplement? Basically, could I possibly find a way to blame myself?

I went and read as much as I could in terms of actual, rigorous research and was reassured that there is very, very, very little to suggest that stress or negativity have any effect (which was important, as you'll see in a minute!). I saw that while diet and supplements did seem to help, honestly, there was an awful lot of luck involved.

I did my second round of IVF in an absolutely shite mental state. I'd had a terrible couple of years, and I lost my job in the middle of that round. I was properly, horribly depressed and periodically swinging towards suicidal thoughts. I did not remember to eat properly all the time. I did not remember to take my vitamins all the time. I had more than the odd glass of wine in the run-up to stims and the bit before the TWW.

I got three eggs; three got to blastocyst; one was euploid, and I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

My advice would be: take medical advice. Do not get sucked into guilt-tripping yourself or endless 'what ifs' about things that are not proven to have much effect. Especially do not get guilt-tripped into believing that 'positive thinking' or 'not being stressed' can help. I think this is the most cruel and dangerous of all the myths out there - no one can help feeling stressed during parts of IVF, and it is totally natural to feel anxious or upset. It does not make a difference. You do not need to make yourself feel worse by worrying about it.

My advice to anyone doing IVF is: you are an absolute warrior, just to do this. Give yourself a ton of credit. Do not beat yourself up. Your value is not dependent on whether or not you can have a child, so don't ever let anyone feel as if you could have 'tried harder' at this.

@SarahAndQuack loved reading this and so happy for you! Hope you’re in a better place now and thank you so much for sharing ♥️

... I did everything 'correctly', took all the vitamins etc etc and the only time I got pregnant I miscarried.

However people get pregnant and carry to full term whilst alcoholics, whilst addicted to drugs, whilst in DV situations, in warzones, as refugees, as a result of rape etc etc. Humans have successfully reproduced for hundreds of thousands of years through extreme times of stress, famine etc, and until recently noone had the ability to go take a very specific vitamin. It's nothing to do with the vitamins you remember to take, or your positive mindset. It can't hurt or make your chances worse to have a healthy lifestyle and mindset. But you do not get pregnant cos you reduce the stress from the type of TV that you watch....

Thanks @zirafica, you're very kind. Yes, much better now. (And, FWIW, obviously I do know things could very easily still go wrong. But if they do, it won't be because I was insufficiently positive!).

IVF is such a lottery; fertility in general is. On the whole this board is such an amazing, supportive space, and it has carried me through when I felt absolutely rotten and couldn't stop blaming myself. I am so, so grateful for that.

I had my gynaecologist tell me years ago that in biology 1+1 isn't 2, and that it does take magic to make a baby happen.
That magic is probably abundant in your 20s but goes down massively as you approach 40. I won't even get into the heartbreak it must cause when you should be in your prime fertile years and it's not working.

Honestly I get very stressed when I come across any of the early testing posts. I feel like these ladies are driving themselves insane with anxiety testing on day 2, 3, 4, when the embryo doesn't even burrow in and start producing hcg properly until days afater that.
But on the other hand what works for one person might not work for the other, and as you both said @Phlfz and @SarahAndQuack whether you're all cheery and optimistic or miserable and anxious isn't what the studies say will impact being able to get pregnant and lead to a live birth.

But I also understand the OP - for her the IVF worked, and although it might not have been the supplements and positive attitude that swung things the right way, it's her story of success to tell.

My approach to it is that I am trying to eat healthy and not drink and have all the supplements, because I know myself - if I wasn't "doing my best" and was drinking/being negative/etc and the IVF failed, I would definitely sit here and blame my actions for lack of success. (Which I know is nonsense). This way if I'm doing everything "right" and it still doesn't work, at least I can look at myself and say I did my best to help create the most receptive environment I could. That being said, what everyone's "best" is depends on what they're like as a person and the impact of toxic positivity in the end is probably more toxic than positive.

I think it was so beneficial to hear both sides on this, even though all they prove is what we all know - there are zero rules and absolutely no guarantees in all of this.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage @Phlfz.

Well said.

I do understand the OP. Some people love to think positively, and if it helps it helps.

My only worry is that it can translate so easily into the industries that are just out to make money - not just IVF clinics themselves, but all of those people who market themselves as 'fertility nutritionists' or whatever on instagram, and make money out of selling the idea that if you don't buy their stuff, you are just not trying hard enough. It is frightening how unregulated this industry is, I think. I remember being shocked and furious when I went to a clinic with my then-partner. It was a well-respected UK clinic attached to a hospital; they saw lots of NHS patients; they were not some hole-in-the-corner operation. And even so, the only thing the consultant wanted to talk to us about was the book he'd written about fertility and diet, which he wanted to sell. He kept referring back to it during out appointment, and when he sent us a follow-up letter, he'd got most of our medical details wrong, but he'd remembered to include a plug for his book.

How can we expect women to cope with IVF when there this this sort of cynical manipulation going on? It really makes me furious.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

You are absolutely right about what you say.

This!!! As if we don't have enough to fork out for treatment and medication!

@SarahAndQuack oh no this would, pardon my french, p me the f right off.
from what the OP posted, it looks like what made it work for her was probably the fact they put her on max strength meds + the fact it was her second transfer (and they say it usually takes 2-3). everything else probably had a very small percentage impact on the result.
and again, completely agree with you @SarahAndQuack there's so much stuff out there, so many podcasts, so much fear mongering. i actually had dinner with an acquaintance whose relative owns a fertility clinic (yes yes i know what it sounds like but hear me out), and the fertility clinic owner said harvesting eggs is the biggest scam on earth, super risky and too expensive and that she wouldn't recommend it to anyone. her stance is that the only reason it's so popular is because of marketing and scaring women into thinking this is their foolproof solution, while in reality frozen eggs perform a lot worse than frozen embryos, and every clinic will sooner send you to have fresh eggs collected and fertilised rather than rely on the frozen ones, despite your age. and there i was mad at myself for 10 years for not thinking about freezing my eggs in my early thirties (when i was making 24k and could barely afford to live). just feeds into scaring women into spending their money on things that probably won't make any difference in the long run.

Congratulations. I’m really glad it worked for you but I honestly think it is all about luck. I 37 with 5 IVF cycles behind me. My AMH is higher than yours and I’ve managed to retrieve 36 eggs across my cycles. I have done everything you have mentioned including acupuncture, mindfulness yoga plus pretty much anything you can think of. It still has not worked.

There are women out there who IVF will simply not work for and no amount of positivity will make a difference.

@Mrsblobby88 i'm so sorry it hasn't worked. Have you considered PGT-A testing to determine if there's something genetically wrong with the embryos?

I’m actually at the end of my journey now. We got such a low number of blastocysts that the PGT testing wasn’t really worth it. It is also really expensive and we are already 20k down :( xx

@Mrsblobby88 I am so sorry. It is pricey, but I found it to be so worth it. Short summary is we had 14 good grade blastos, tested 7 out of those (for financial reasons) and only 1 came back as euploid. But as they were all day 5s and no rating under 4 or B, we could've had 6 failed attempts with a "good grade embryo" before we got to the 1 that was actually ok. I am so sorry.

Did it work for you in the end?
most of my cycles I only ended up with one blast so there no point in testing really.. although I 100 percent get what you mean.. it would be totally worth it to avoid the heart ache of an early loss or failed transfer xx

@Mrsblobby88 ah i see what you mean.... i'm sorry. no idea if it's worked, we just transferred it 2 days ago so I don't test for another 9 days.

Ahh good luck ❤️❤️ keep us posted xx

@Mrsblobby88 thank you so much ❤

I love this 🩷 thank you for sharing. This is also the story I needed to read. IVF is hard enough without feeling like you’re not doing or good enough.

@Usedtobealurker thank you so much for sharing your story, and congratulations on having your son ❤️ it’s really helpful to read your story and know there is hope even when it doesn’t feel like there is any. I’ve had 4 failed transfers so I’m looking for any hope that I can find!
Thank you also for sharing what helped you, I understand positive thinking isn’t for everyone (and it does get harder and harder to think this way with every failed transfer) but I also find it helpful to read different tips and experiences, so thank you for sharing