Transferring an embryo for DC2 at age 43 (DH 46). Should we?

[Namethattune25]

I’m honestly on the fence and I wish we had more time to think about this.

We are fortunate to have one DC, who is 14 months. We never thought we would have one child, so to be potentially considering another is a very blessed position to be in and we are both aware of that.

The thing is, I just don’t know if we should or not. Our ages are a huge issue for me.

We are just about managing month to month but we both have public sector jobs so no pay rises or bonuses coming up. Little chance of promotion etc. IVF transfer will cost anything from £2-6k depending on how many of our three frozen embryos we’d need to use. We don’t have much in the way of savings as I have just gone back to work off mat leave.

DC was a straightforward pregnancy but I found the first year quite hard, as they were (are) a very velcro baby, and I don’t know if I could go through it again - but this time with a toddler in tow too!

We don’t have ‘a village.’ We live 90 mins away from our families but both sets of parents are elderly really.

Our DC appears to be healthy and well so I am worried about rolling the dice again. The age of the embryos would be 39 (me, by a whisker!) and 42 (DH).

I am an only child but DH is one of three. DH would have another child tomorrow. I think I would, if we were younger. Our child is an utter joy and I know how lucky we are, but I just don’t know what to do?

Has anyone been in this position?

I would roll the dice again and somehow make it work but this is a completely personal decision and can't be entirely divorced from pragmatic financial considerations. Presumably the latest government nursery benefits would help a lot.

Yes, we are benefiting from the free hours already, which is a huge help.

Thank you for your comment 😊

I think I would, personally.

But you do have time to think, given they're frozen embryos. You might find that in a year it all feels so much less punishing (or you might not!). I think I wouldn't perhaps rush at it.

But it's the boring truism - there's never a right time to have a baby!

Personally for me id go again. Money can always be made, babies arnt babies forever but you cant always have a baby and then regret hits. Im 40, we are trying to have another baby, its proving difficult because we keep running out of embryos and now my embryos are 40yr old. I thought we finally did it but unfortunately miscarried at 7 weeks recently. I want to go for more one more round but now im too scared too and stuck between trying to get more embryos or moving on with my life full of regret for not trying harder to extend my family..

Im due to Give birth to our first ivf baby at 39

We intend to roll the dice with a low level mosaic when im 40 or 41

I am a year older than you and I am giving myself until 46 to use our remaining embryo. We have three IVF children, and had them all close together - I simply couldn't manage a 4th sooner, should it have worked. I would go now, but my husband wants a couple of things to settle down first. Our frostie is from a 38 yo me and 41 yo husband.

I can't bear the thought of not using it - though it may come to that if we can't agree - but we only have one, which I think makes it more straightforward. I also can't imagine missing out on the opportunity to have another little person.

But that's just me. The reasons why I'm not so fussed by age is: (i) I'm intending to continue working - health permitting - into my 70s (and given my job health issues are unlikely to be a cause of my retiring; it is common in my profession to work well past "usual" retirement age); (ii) we started late due to infertility; I had to think what I would have done if I'd had my first at 28 or 30 - there is no compelling reason to do something different now (for me); and (iii) 46 is not as old as it used to be and I don't feel too old to have another baby (yet - that could change).

Good luck with your decision, there are no right answers, and I also suspect there is no decision that you can make that you won't slightly regret in the future, but I think that's just life - the path not taken can look tempting when the one you did take feels a bit rocky.

To add - I don't have a village either (and my husband works away a lot. It can be really hard at times, but even at its worst I don't regret it, though it can feel very "tying" from time to time).

Thank you so much for all your thoughtful comments, I have been slightly surprised by the somewhat unanimous encouragement I have to say!

I am really, really tired right now. Return to work has of course been a huge change, and I’m not getting much sleep, and even less time for myself just to think. I feel like my head could burst with tasks and things I need to remember and do.

Perhaps I am putting too short of a time limit on it to decide. Things might look a bit clearer (either way) by, say, the summer. I still feel as though we’re very much in the thick of things which is probably why I feel so overwhelmed!

Personally, I’d go ahead. I’m pregnant with the second one and older than you.
It will never be a right time to have a baby.

This is so similar to our situation. We have an 18 month old from my EC at 39, I’m 42 now, dh is 44. We both have public sector jobs with little to spare financially and no savings to speak of following ivf for years and mat leave. Main difference is we have one very poor quality embryo left (5CC). I would quite like to be in your position with 3, I don’t think one is enough really so I doubt it’ll work for us. 8 transfers were needed to get our daughter so having this one only makes me think it isn’t on the cards for us.

I know the feelings you’re having and relate to this, but I keep telling myself this embryo is not really good enough odds so I’m trying to be ok with just having one. It’s hard, but we can’t go through all of that again and like you our ages are a worry, amongst some other things.

We did pgt-a testing on 3/5 embryos on our final round and the only euploid one was our daughter. I think I’m going to ask the clinic to test my last poor quality one that’s untested, that will most likely take the decision out of my hands as it won’t make it.

I think if i was you I’d give it a shot, but I’m not sure I’d want to do it so soon. Maybe a bit more time to consider it all isn’t a bad idea.

@thislittlebird our embryos are day 6, 5BC, 4BC and 5CC, what a coincidence. Our consultant said they wouldn’t waste the time/money/resources freezing poor quality embryos (and I suppose they have their statistics to think of too), so he never gave us any reason to think the embryos might not be successful, in terms of their quality at least.