How to move on after failed IVF

[Allnew2021]

I just found out yesterday that my final attempt at ivf was unsuccessful and I'm struggling to know how to move on with the very real possibility of never having children. I'm 40 now and after 6 years of trying and 3 failed IVF cycles (we never made it to a transfer) we cannot afford any more. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for with this post other than some advice on how to move forward.
Thanks

Hey @Allnew2021 sorry your last round failed. I’ve been ttc 4-5 years with only 2 spontaneous pregnancies and then mcs so far (and 5 rounds of ivf plus two cancelled rounds just before collection). It is rough. Right at the start of the ivf portion of my journey, it was suggested to me that I might need donor eggs. While I was still trying with my own eggs it was really difficult to properly imagine, but I held the idea loosely in my mind for those years, exploring the ethics of it and working out what would be right for any resultant child. We’ve started investigating that option seriously now, including having councelling. I want to be a mother, and I want to raise a child from very early life. My cousin helped me get closer to wanting this option by sharing with me that she couldn’t love her son more, that if she could have swapped him for a whole brood of her own progeny she wouldnt. And that’s she’s bonded stronger to him than her husband is. I guess I want to experience and to give love in that way, and that’s what makes it an option for me.

have you asked yourself what about being a parent is the crux for you? Becuase it doesn’t have to be the end, and of course you’re already aware of this option, but I just wanted to share what helped me make peace with that idea, and even get excited, becuase i understand the pain of infertility.

Thank you for your reply, I really hope that the donor egg route works for you. This is something I wouldn't have been against but it was never discussed previously as there were not any concerns raised about my eggs etc when we started IVF. Unfortunatley donor eggs is not an option for us now, we have paid for our previous cycles and are unable to pay for anymore. People have told me not to give up hope and that it might still happen naturally but after 6 years I don't have the energy to keep hoping when it might never happen.

Yeah goodness, I so understand what you mean about the energy for hope. I had such a low egg reserve even at 36 that ivf wasn’t ever going to be a great help (hence going through so many rounds). In a way it was good to have that seed planted early, and we also were careful about costs in order to keep money back for donor stuff. (We also took out a 10k loan for a 3 cycle package). So much of life has been put on hold. We do have make factor in very low morphology, so part of me knows that even donor eggs might not yield a child. I’ve not yet invested in the mental picture of no child, I’d maybe consider fostering to adopt (in order to adopt a baby which is the part of parenting I most dream about) but I’m not there yet. Have you had any councelling to help you answer your post’s question? If the the ivf was recent enough your clinic will definitely offer at least one session, I think they have to? Sorry I’m not really giving helpful information. I just wanted to reach out.

Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and share your journey. It's so hard isn't it. Yes the clinic have offered counselling and my husband and I will probably take them up on it after I have had a few days to come to terms with the cycle failure.

@Allnew2021 I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I just wanted to add that the space you're in right now may feel different in a couple of years time. And that if you can't come to terms with a child free life, then there are options. Donor egg or embryo treatment can cost less than a holiday especially abroad. I'm sorry if this sounds crass; but imo it's the endless and repetitive acts of parenting that really create the bond and make you into a mother, not solely genetics. Just know that in all likelihood you could be a mother, just with a slightly different start point, if you find you can't resign yourself to giving up on the idea altogether.