Strain on marriage

[sunflower751]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really lost and could really use some outside perspectives.

DH and I have been together since we were 19 (we’re now 34 and 36) and married for 8 years. We’ve been TTC for 2 years with no luck. I was diagnosed with PCOS in Dec 2024 and DH has slightly low sperm morphology. I’m currently on cycle 2 of medicated cycles (letrozole 7.5mg) but no success yet.

Like so many people going through infertility, we just never expected this to happen to us. Over the last few months we’ve been arguing a lot more and I’m starting to worry about what our future looks like if we can’t have a family. He’s also been quite emotionally withdrawn lately and things feel tense between us, which is making everything harder.

DH seems much more relaxed about it all and says he can imagine life with or without children and it might not be meant for us. He’s said he will try IVF if we need it, but only two rounds and no more.

This has really shaken me. It makes me feel like he doesn’t want a baby as much as I do, and I’m worried I’m pushing him into something he’s not fully committed to. When I try to talk to him about it he tends to brush it off or say we’ll deal with things when we get there. He doesn’t seem to understand my biological clock.

We’re both having individual therapy, but I still feel completely lost and alone with it all. I suppose my question is… if someone genuinely wants a family, wouldn’t they fight with everything they have to make it happen? Or is it normal for partners to feel differently about how far to go?

Any advice or experiences would be really appreciated. I just need to hear from people who’ve been through something similar.
Thank you. 💛

Sorry you’re going through this.

During the last year of IVF, I have found it difficult to see my OH become withdrawn at times. I would say ultimately it’s bought us closer together, but there were times I thought we’d lose sight of our love for each other.

I desperately want a child, we both do. However we have decided that our relationship comes before that. We have two embryos left to try with and after that, we are giving up on a possible future of having children and instead focusing on our relationship and all the amazing things we do have.

sending hugs, it’s a rough ride ❤️

I honestly think men dont feel the same as woman when trying to create a baby. And honestly i think the longer it takes they start changing their tunes about having a baby because its easier then continuing to fight to conceive and constantly be let down. They dont show emotions like woman and if your partner is not one much for communication then he could be shutting down. It seems you both need to sit down together and air everything out and come up with a game plan that your both happy with moving forward.

Another way of looking at this is that he doesn't need children to have a fulfilling life with you.

Which I appreciate may not be a tonne of consolation at this point in time. But it's not totally unheard of for a partner being so impatient with the fertility journey that the relationship breaks down.

Sounds like he's happy with you whatever happens.

Infertility can be really stressful and we’ve definitely experienced tough times as a couple. It can be years of disappointment, anxiety and uncertainty, for most people that will take its toll. It’s really hard not to but maybe both try to not think too far ahead.

You might try ivf and it works first time (I know several people who have), you might have two unsuccessful rounds but learn something on the second round that means it’s worth trying a third time (they do recommend 3 rounds, think it’s NICE guidelines). You might find the process more challenging than you expect or more straightforward and might feel open to fewer/ more rounds. It’s all just hard to predict.

Maybe your partner is fixed on 2 rounds or maybe he’s just saying that to protect himself and you from what he’s imagining might be a tough journey. I agree with Miracle that men will often take the easier path rather than facing the constant let down. We’ve had a difficult road to get where we are and I think my husband would’ve given up if I’d agreed. And I can understand why he might’ve felt that way. He wanted the family but found the path to getting there really hard, so did I, but I couldn’t lose sight of the bigger picture and the knowledge that it would (hopefully) all be worth it.

Maybe him saying he’s fine with/ without is trying to make peace with a possible future without kids. If there’s male factor he might feel stressed or guilty about it. Even if it is that he simply doesn’t want it as much as you, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it. He must be feeling the strain too and is probably scared to add stress on top of stress. Could you have any joint therapy to try to find a way to navigate this? Don’t lose sight of each other in all of this, you need each other to get through it.