Tips post failed FET

[Iggilypiggily]

Hi everyone,

Looking for a bit of support. I’m day 9 post FET and tests are negative. I am not supposed to test until day 13 but reading stuff online seems to suggest that if it’s negative now it’s a very slim chance it would be positive on day 13. Not even a whisper of a line.

My partner is away for a week (couldn’t be avoided on his part, just terrible timing) so I am left feeling awful alone. I was due to go to a birthday party this weekend but I couldn’t face it, as all my friends would be there with their kids and the birthday girl was on the IVF journey with me but is due any day now. She got pregnant first try and my other friends all got pregnant the first month of trying naturally.

Its a gorgeous sunny warm day where I live and I’m trying to get myself up go to for a walk at least but I’m just fed up. I can’t take it anymore. I have to keep on with these medications for no good reason now and I just want to pack it all in and move on with my life.

Can anyone offer any advice on things to do to make yourself feel better after a failed FET? And do people think I’m awful for not going to the party or is it acceptable if I white lie my way out of it just to protect myself. I selfishly don’t want to be surrounded by people who have got all they wanted first try.

So sorry OP, it’s so hard. I also found out my last one had failed around the same time and stopped all my medication, I just didn’t want to delay in inevitable. Obviously my clinic advised me against this and I’m not saying you should do it, in hindsight I might have been too quick.

The biggest thing that helped me was taking action and steps towards the next one. However I definitely took a couple of weeks of feeling completely miserable before I started to think about the next one. You need to grieve, it is a loss in a very specific and painful way.

Also, definitely let yourself NOT go to the party. I would 10000% not go and any good friend will understand why.

IVF is a gruelling process. Your body and mind go through so much, please don’t beat yourself up about missing something.

Im currently in the next TWW of my subsequent transfer after the failed one in the summer - in the break between cycles we tweaked some medication / protocol and I had a hysteroscopy to check everything was ok. It helped when I was going into the next one. Sending love.

Thank you @Hopeandfaith1990 and sorry you had that experience as well. It’s miserable. Sending you love and baby dust for the next test day! Hoping this is your time 🤞🏼

And thank you for saying that re the party I needed to hear that! I haven’t actually told anyone that we did the transfer either because I just couldn’t cope with the pity as I highly suspected it wouldn’t work. I actually felt in my bones it wouldn’t work, but apparently I still had some hope given how rotten I am feeling about it today.

The pattern seems to be do a cycle of some description, feel disappointed with the outcome, spend a few months feeling horrendous in your body until the hormones leave it and your acne goes and clothes finally start to fit again and you’ve forgotten all about it, do the next run and then go through the same thing all over again. I’ve done two cycles and one FET cycle and I’m already drained. But time is ticking and it feels like so much pressure to keep going.

Hi OP, sending you lots of love, it's really hard. You're totally justified in not going to the party, it's very difficult to be surrounded by people who've easily got what you're working so hard for. Especially at the moment, you need to protect yourself.

My clinic told me to test 9 days post transfer, and then again 2 days later to confirm it. My first transfer in late February resulted in a negative and it was really hard. I spent a few days drinking a lot of wine, took a couple of says off work as I couldn't face going in, and then started working out next steps- for me, that was a hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue they thought could have had an impact on implantation (I'd had problems getting my lining to the right thickness) and also a change of medication protocol.

Unfortunately a lot of it is just luck though, and it's really shit. Do you have any frozen embryos for another transfer, or are you looking at another egg collection? Whatever your next steps, give yourself permission to grieve and be angry, it really sucks, I did find I felt better (well, a bit) once I had a plan in place for the next go - and then also planned a holiday snd some nice things that weren't IVF or fertility related

So sorry you’ve had a fail, I had one from a fresh transfer in August. I also started testing early and started spotting from day 10 so I just stopped all meds, I couldn’t face taking it anymore knowing it was for no reason. I also had that feeling in my bones that it didn’t work, I actually felt it as soon as they done the transfer. I said to my partner in the car on the way home that it hasn’t worked and he thought I was insane 😂 I was correct though.

In regard to what to do after I spent about a week crying, eating all food in sight and having lots of baths. I then treated myself to some caffeinated drinks, had my nails done as I stopped having them done before starting stims and also had my hair coloured. It helped to do a degree and I felt like a thumb but I still felt quite numb for a while. We’ve just had our second transfer and I’m on day 10. I tested on day 3 and 4 and it was negative and haven’t been able to bring myself to test again but I think deep down I have the same feeling as last time. I’ve mentally prepared myself for the fail and Ive booked in my hair again for December and also my nails as we won’t transferring our remaining embryo until January/February. Also going to treat myself to some redbulls.

One of my close friends is currently pregnant after trying for 2 months and it’s been HORRIFIC! She knows we’re doing IVF as well. I’ve tried my hardest to be happy for her but it’s really really hard and she hasn’t helped at all as she’s made the whole thing about her. As in the day I started stims (which she knew) she told me she was pregnant, the day I had my transfer she sent scan pictures and the day I got my negative and I told her, she then started discussing her baby shower. I’ve been quite harsh in the sense I’ve cut her off a bit because mentally I can’t cope with it and I’m trying to protect myself. This whole journey really teaches us to be a bit more selfish and it’s ok xx

Thank you everyone. I really needed to hear all of that. And while it has been beneficial for me to hear about you all having a similar experience, I am very sorry that you have all had to experience it too. It really sucks.

@Orangewillow ive been seeing lots of people on forums saying ‘guard your heart’ and I think that’s what I am going to adopt! But you’re right. I was guarding my heart. And I’m glad I did it as I’m feeling in a better head space now. I appreciate that is probably temporarily but I will take it. I got my hair done yesterday as being on these medications makes me feel disgusting in my own body. My skin is greasy, my hair won’t sit right and it feels super dry, my clothes don’t fit around my bloated stomach so I don’t feel like I look good in anything. So that helped a little. I also ordered some new jeans in a slightly bigger size so I can feel comfortable.

Its funny, every clinic seems to be a little different. My clinic told me to test on day 13 and say 15 and not before, but I caved. I’ve done two collections now so I have 3 left to try with, but we can’t afford another round so these little embryos are the end of the road for us.

@Cornish13 i felt the exact same! I just knew post transfer. My husband said the same thing about me but I just knew. I’ve also been cramping today and my breasts have started getting sore which feels like I might be starting my period. I’m so sorry you’ve got that very insensitive friend. That is a really difficult situation to be in. People can be so thoughtless. I would keep space from her and I think if she was a decent person she would understand that. It’s very difficult to be excited for someone else when going through this. It’s hard not to be resentful!

I just noticed your comment saying you cut her off @Cornish13 snd I support that! How insensitive of her. Sounds like she can only see the world through her own eyes. I would definitely need to have space from her and she should understand that completely.