Infertility destroying my social life

[somethingandnothing]

Pretty much as the title says... DH and I are unable to conceive and have been talking about whether to move ahead with double donation (I want to, DH is unsure how he feels about it...). In the meantime, all our friends and family have become pregnant / given birth and we are almost the only people from our social circle and in our families to not have children. It is incredibly hard and I don't know how to deal with it. We found ourselves isolating ourselves and then we realised that that was not healthy and so on the weekend we saw friends – one couple with a new baby and another couple with a toddler. We both found it incredibly difficult - it just feels like everyone else is moving on with their lives and is now in a different stage to us. We desperately want what they have and I don't know how to have conversations with them. It feels like they don't know what to say to us either. While it was good to actually see other people and I know that isolating ourselves isn't the answer, I have spent all day today feeling like shit and crying. It just feels like we are in a no win situation. I want to be happy for my friends and my family but I am struggling so much with infertility and the likelihood that we won't have children. Even seeing my parents is difficult as they talk so much about their grandchildren (my siblings' children) and it's obviously such a big and joyful part of their lives. How do you deal with this?

Oh love, I’m so sorry. I know those feelings well and I’m just sorry. I think you need to consider the following:

• making a plan, is that double donation, adoption, further tests? Having a way forward will help
• consider therapy, maybe even couples therapy to work through the first point
• make some friends who don’t have kids or find activities that get you out and about where there won’t be children

I know others will say “talk to your friends” but it truly is so difficult and heartbreaking when you’re the one who can’t have what they have. Sometimes you need to protect yourself.

hey no major advice as i’m literally in the same boat, but wanted to let you know i’m thinking of you.
Ive been signed off work since june with depression following losing both my tubes and IVF being the way forward. Work in maternity so feel like i need a new career now.
I have got into reading which has helped my mental health, gardening in the summer too. I
advise against home DIY as i tried that and now have a 2 foot hole in my wall which i need to get professionally sorted 🫠🤣
Ive come off social media which has helped and limited my screen time.
I guess im just always holding onto hope.
Inbox is always open xx

I’m in the same boat. Massive hugs xx

@Limmers14 @Readingiscool92 @Deedeebob

Thank you for replying – I'm so sorry to hear you are all going through the same thing. It's so, so cruel and it feels like no one understands unless they have actually been through it. We have done so much research into adoption and donation and I know what I want to do and I'm just waiting for DH to decide how he feels. In the meantime, I feel like I have no control over my life or the direction it's going in and I just can't relate to anyone – I have two friends who are childfree by choice who don't understand how I'm feeling and everyone else has children now. Rationally, I know there is a lot that I should be thankful for in my life - but I struggle to find joy in anything. And, I now feel like I've lost all my friends – they meet up for baby play dates often and I'm obviously not invited (and I wouldn't really cope if I was) but it just feels like we have nothing in common any more. I am really struggling to see a positive future for myself at the moment. I don't even know how to begin making new friends (I'm now in my 40s).

Sending lots of love, I've felt very similarly over thr last couple of years. We lost our first baby to a TFMR at 14 weeks, 2 of my close friends were pregnant and due very close to when I was, and I just had to back off as I couldn't deal with it. The vast majority of my friends gave babies/young kids and while I haven't wanted to go along to baby focused stuff of course, I've also felt left out as a lot of their social lives now revolve around kids. I've spent more time hanging out with childless friends who want to go to the pub, and made some friends through the baby loss community, but it's really hard so sending solidarity.

Could you ask your friends for an evening catch up without kids, and hopefully they can understand not to chat on about baby stuff? I know it doesn't fix things, but just so you're not sitting at home feeling lonely, and seeing friends a bit

Hi, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Based on my personal experience, I can say that I’ve also gone through a phase where I had to change my old circle of friends for various reasons. In my opinion, it’s a natural stage in life — sometimes we need to close one door to open another.
You can, of course, talk to your friends and share as many details as you feel comfortable with. But it might turn out that, even if they try, they simply can’t fully understand or relate to what you’re going through — and that’s completely natural.
In such situations, I’ve found it really helpful to talk with a specialist. They can help you reflect on what’s more important right now: building a new circle or finding balance with your current friends.
Please don’t blame yourself or feel guilty — this isn’t your fault. Sometimes, even family can’t fully grasp what we’re feeling, and that’s okay. You’re strong and brave, and I’m sure you’ll find the right way forward. 💛