Pregnancy announcements

[DillyDally456]

Really struggling with myself and my emotions through this TTC / infertility / IVF journey. TTC for 25 months. Have been trying to avoid anything baby e.g. staying off Facebook for those pregnancy announcements. However, my best friend has started trying. She caught pregnant 6 weeks ago almost immediately and unfortunately miscarried 4 weeks later. When I found out she was pregnant I didn’t sleep all night long just completely stressed about how to navigate this whole journey of her being pregnant and me having to watch it all and be there for her. I know she will be trying again now and it will happen again - how do you navigate this??? I’m so anxious thinking about it.

We had fertility issues and ended up having our daughter by ivf. I’ll be honest other peoples pregnancies never bothered me. I always viewed that as a separate thing. You probably have things your friends envy whether that be a happy marriage, nice home, good job. Everyone has different struggles. I’m not saying you shouldn’t struggle just because I didn’t, you can’t help how you feel but I don’t think there is a way to navigate it without cutting yourself off from people. Sounds like she’s had a tough time too.

I was initially the same as PP as I just saw others pregnancy’s as a different journey to my infertility. I’m starting to struggle more and more now as each of my ivf cycles fail. It is the reality that it most likely not going to happen for me.

hugs OP. It really isn’t easy.

@DillyDally456 Hi. I totally get where you are coming from here. I have been TTC for 3 years and I have had to come off social media, I avoid all situations/talk of babies because I react so badly to it. I know this isn’t ideal and probably seems irrational to a lot of people but I’ve realised that I am the only person who can protect my feelings.

How this applies to the situation with your best friend I’m not sure. If you feel that you can be honest, maybe say that her pregnancy (when it happens) is hard for you and you need to keep conversation about it to a minimum? x

@YourTipsyDogSorry you also understand this feeling but thank you for sharing as it makes me feel less alone. Yes I am the same, want to avoid anything pregnancy / baby related to save my own peace. Very difficult when it’s my best friend and I want to be there for her as she doesn’t have many friends. I also think how awful it would be if the shoe is on the other foot and she didn’t want to be there for me, this is her journey too and I get that. I know I’ll just have to grin and bare it but this road is going to be so hard for me emotionally 😭

Hey,
I completely understand how you feel and also struggle with this hugely. I'm just about to start IVF and so to protect myself I have cut social media and said no to a lot of group social events because I get very overwhelmed.

I think to myself, it's not going to last forever feeling like this and if it helps to just lay low whilst going through treatment, then that has to be the way. I do understand the idea of remembering their journey is separate but I struggle to think like that.

Similar to your story with your best friend. My sister in law got pregnant the same month I did in Feb 24, whilst mine ended as ectopic, hers grew to be healthy and now they're celebrating the 1st birthday whilst I'm about to start treatment. It breaks my heart and has been very difficult to manage but things I did were talk honestly and openly with her, she was lovely and understanding and I'm sure your best friend would understand too. I didn't actually see them during the pregnancy as they live away, which helped as I just couldn't face it.

Hope that helps. You are not in this alone ❤️

It’s hard and you’re definitely not alone. In some ways I’ve actually found it easier once someone becomes pregnant so at least I’m not anxiously second guessing an announcement whenever they message or suggest meeting up. And it might sound strange but reminding myself I didn’t want their baby I wanted my own helped me to view it separately from my own experience. And also trying to not feel guilty when I did have a bad day, infertility is really hard so no need to make yourself feel worse. Wishing you lots of luck for the future.

Hey, completely understand and I think it's very normal to feel how you do. So try not to beat yourself up about it. I've had several people close to me announce pregnancies whilst trying and two while waiting to find out if my recent ivf round worked (it didnt). One of them is my best friend. I think you just have to take it day by day like everything with TTC. For me some days I'll be very upset or angry, and I know to stay of social media, not check watsapp and just do something I enjoy.. Or at least try to avoid things that could make me feel worse. Other days you'll feel OK.. Use those days to ring your friend, send her a message asking about how she's feeling etc. And I find it helps to remind myself I don't want their life, I don't want their babies.

Just because someones pregnant doesn't mean that everything has been or will be easy. The thought of how awful I'd feel if I'd been jealous or unsupportive and the pregnancy ended badly or she had a traumatic birth etc... That's usually enough to snap me out of some of my more bitter jealous moments.

You're not alone in feeling that way. I've been exactly the same and find it very difficult every time there's an announcement. The last one was on my last embryo transfer day and I just ended up in tears on what should have been a positive day! The embryo transfer failed and so we are back to square one.

I've avoided people and isolated myself to protect myself from those feelings. My therapist said that avoidance isn't helpful and I should try to reconnect. She's probably right but I can't bring myself to do it.

We are so out of control on this journey and other people's lives will carry on moving around us and we can't stop it. Being open and honest with your friend before she gets pregnant might help? Perhaps you can tell her you might need some space or something?

I was right there where you are. Not sure if this perspective will be helpful but at least that’s how things played out for me. Mine was secondary infertility, conceived my first in the first month of trying, second took just over 2yrs.

One of my closest friends started trying around the same time as I did for my 2nd. Or actually, I said “me too, I’m starting to try” when she told me she is, in reality I’d been trying for a couple of months but didnt want to admit to it I guess. She got pregnant on her first month of trying and sent me a test asking if I can see the second line. I burst into tears in the park and probably looked like a psycho. Her first trimester was v difficult for me (although I’d never tel her this!) as she’d share everything and ask me questions as I’d had a baby a couple of years before her and obviously I had to act excited as she had been for me. Second and third trimesters I got used to the idea that she was pregnant and I wasn’t (as selfish as that sounds). The only thing that did bother me was that she kept asking how my ttc journey is going, until I told her that I try not to think too much about it because it’s making me upset. It was hard when she’d just given birth and sent me lots of newborn pictures (again I asked for them, as I didn’t want to seem unsupportive, since she’d been supportive for me) then got easier again. I found out I was pregnant shortly after her baby’s 1st birthday.

So much sympathy for this OP. I lost my first baby to a TFMR and had 2 close friends due very close, I managed to see them throughout the rest of their pregnancies, and they were supportive and understanding, but after their babies were born I just couldn't do it and distanced myself. We then had loads of Fertility complications, ended up doing IVF and it was nearly 2 years to conceive again. I wish I could have handled it differently, but in that time I've really avoided babies, pregnant women and been so paranoid about everyone around me announcing. It is really hard, and you've got to do what you need to to protect yourself. I did cut myself off, and it felt necessary, but that's hard too. If you can, an honest convo with your friend could be really helpful to set boundaries and let her know how you're feeling, while also supporting her at a difficult time. You can absolutely say if/when she's pregnant again you'll be happy for her (even if you won't really be) but you can't do baby chat and might need to take some distance to protect your heart and hopefully she can understand, but honesty helps