SIL gender reveal during IVF

[Wbby19]

Hi everyone,
Has anyone been invited to a gender reveal during their IVF treatment?
My SIL announced she was pregnant just after our first round of IVF which failed which was really hard to take. We've been through infertility for 2 years and she just falls pregnant straight away. I feel awful as I am so happy for her, but also extremely sad we just haven't had success and now have to go through another round.
I thought I would be okay taking the news which she told me in person, until then its suddenly all over social media including my MIL posting all about it. I just feel so torn between feeling happy for them but also extremely sad.
She has now invited us to her gender reveal which is the same weekend we start our next round of IVF and I just can't face going and putting on a brave face again at family events. I've told my husband I don't want to go and he is fully supportive even though it's his sister.
I don't want to feel like I am creating a divide in the family and I don't care, but also I just can't face putting on more smiles when inside I am dying. Should he go without me? I have suggested jus meeting up with her separately and her telling us the gender another time.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? It's so hard just constantly trying to be happy for others when just keep having disappointment, the first round of IVF nearly broke me.
My sister is also fuming at his family for their behaviour, but its hard being in the middle as its just conflicting opinions on how things should be approached.

Hi @Wbby19 this sounds like a really difficult situation for you. I have been invited to a few baby showers and to save myself the dilemma of whether or not to go to each individual one, I have decided on a zero attendance policy. I apply this to anything that I think might be upsetting to me and I realise that this sounds extreme, but I have found that I have to protect my feelings because even the most well-meaning people tend to be quite insensitive. Additionally, a gender reveal isn’t really a thing in my book, which I imagine is probably an unpopular opinion!

My other thought is that this coinciding with the start of your treatment isn’t ideal as you don’t want to be stressed out at this time; if you need it, I feel like this is a practical reason not to go.

All the best to you on this awful journey, you aren’t a horrible person for protecting yourself. x

I'm sorry, that's really tough. If I was you, I wouldn't want to go and I'd want to save myself the heartache, you're going through enough! It's really hard being asked to put on a happy face for other people. I've completely tapped out of baby related activities since I've been dealing with the fall out from loss, and ivf treatment, it's just too much!

It’s so hard. I echo what the past posters have said, you have to protect yourself.

I have also had a nothing policy. I’ve missed 2 baby showers and a christening this past year as the timing coincided with treatment dates and I just couldn’t face pretending and the anticipation of being upset itself seemed to almost upset me. Total spirals and so much better to stay calm once id declined.

Both ladies know what I’m going through so didn’t question me declining the invites when usually I would make things like that work. Each time I said id already booked something else, and actually made the plans. Theatre/ weekend away with husband etc

If your SIL doesnt know, then maybe a conversation or message to explain how it’s about minimising your own stress may help. Unless people have experienced this themselves, they dont understand. Some may be able to empathise, but in my experience they still say things that can cause upset, even with the purest intentions so best to just avoid baby related events.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She is pregnant and excited about it which makes sense. If you don’t feel comfortable don’t go. Just say you are sick but let your husband go. Don’t try to bring the mood down for everyone else cause if he doesn’t go, it will be too obvious. Sorry you are going through this and I wish you have your own baby soon. And don’t be discouraged, I heard that many times IVF fails during the first round.

I was invited to a baby shower when we were going through IVF. A messaged the person that invited me and politely declined. I did give my reasons and they understood. I understand how you must feel, being happy for someone but also terribly sad at the same time. But you need to protect your sanity, and a gender reveal is lovely but you not being there shouldn’t impact on the event. I’m sure they would understand.
I hope the IVF goes well, take care of yourself!

It sounds as if family know that you’ve been going through IVF so I would have an open and honest conversation with your sil. You can say you are really happy for her but it doesn’t detract from the pain you’re feeling and you think it would be too much for you.
Most rarely understand how hard it hits, particularly the first round but talking with your family is the best thing to do and hopefully they will understand and be supportive.
wishing you the best for your next round.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your struggle to have your own child. I can’t imagine how difficult it is.
Secondly, you look out for you. You are struggling and I think you’re well within your rights not to go. Your husband is fully supportive and I don’t think anyone could possibly hold it against you and if they do, they’re not the kind of people you need in your life. Please don’t feel guilty. What you’re going through, even without the round failing, is not for the faint hearted. Focus on you and what’s right for you.
I wish you all the very best for your next round. I really hope it’s successful for you.

I went to a friend's baby shower just before my eggs were harvested with my first round of ivf. I was bloated and uncomfortable but I wouldn't have missed it, it was important to my friend. And she was in my close circle. I think everyone is different. My friend told me she was pregnant face to face and it sounds similar to your situation. She knew we were having ivf and was very sensitive when telling me, but then obviously excited and having all the usual celebrations, pictures on Facebook and joint friends excited.

If you really feel you can't be there, especially with the timing, then don't go, but send your husband, say you're ill or something. Text her on the day. Get her a thoughtful gift after the gender reveal.

A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time as another friend. She miscarried early on and cut the other friend off dead. Decided she wouldn't or couldn't be around her, no explanation, removed herself from WhatsApp groups, stopped coming to group events and that was it. The pregnant friend went through hell in their pregnancy, in hospital twice with covid and another infection. She still didn't reach out. She didn't try and repair, not really, even after she had her child. Too much had gone on. Years of good friendship gone and their husband's friends for even longer. A huge fracture in our friendship group. Whilst being gentle with yourself and looking after you, you need to be mindful of how it's done. Maybe you need counselling to help cope with everything? Whilst you are hoping for the best this time around, things don't always go to plan and if you're like me and my friends, relatives, if it's not this person/this time it might be another. Coping with other people's pregnancy and babies will be continual.

Wishing you all the luck for this round x

Absolutely don't go. Be brave and tell her why, you don't want to be a downer at her happy celebration and to be honest you just cant take it at the moment due to what is happening with your attempts to have a baby. Then finish with how happy you are for her and how you hope to have many happy future moments with her and your niece/nephew.

I speak from experience and it got more bearable once I started to protect myself by not going to similar events . It also helped when I shared a little of my distress, people are much kinder when they know and it does reduce the list of 'helpful' comments people made which often just make you hurt more ( that's another thread.)
Give yourself a break, its a long journey xx

As a fellow fertility and IVF mum, I totally understand the upset you are going through. I went through years of it and many rounds.
So first off take care of yourself, and seek out support and counselling.

I would also say please don’t be cross with your SIL for being happy and wanting to celebrate. She’s happy and excited, and that’s ok too, in the same way you are sad - that’s ok too. It’s ok to feel what you are both feeling. I had friends I met through treatment and we all had very different journeys. I think the main thing we learnt was to be happy and supportive of each other whatever the outcome.

I am fortunate to of succeeded and I have one child. In my journey I have seen fellow parents go through so much. I think it’s helped me appreciate not to assume we know what everyone is going through.

I would say be honest with your SIL and say you are simply finding things a bit tough at the moment, but that you wish her the most amazing day.

Sending you love, it’s a very gruelling process to go through and the disappointment at the end of the journey is horrific. You need to keep your stress levels down, if you feel this is adding to your anxiety, politely decline. Still send a gift along and keep the relationship, but I think it would be understood why you’re absent. Make sure you take the time to rest as part of your procedure. We were successful on our third and final attempt. I remember the pain of seeing everyone else get pregnant whilst we were going through this journey. But, their excitement was also okay for them and it isn’t wrong, however hard it is to see it. Just try not to damage the relationship longer term. Good luck x

They have done nothing wrong so your sister has no right to be fuming with them at all. If you would find it too upsetting to go, I am sure people would understand. If your husband feels up to it then he should go and support his sister.

It’s ok to feel sad, I think we should be more accepting of people struggling ttc. I had to do a zero attendance for my own sanity, do what you need to do. A bit of “me first” does one the world of good, especially as you have a busy weekend around then and need to rest.
put you first, sod the rest and good luck.

Even before IVF I had no time for gender reveal parties or baby showers.
Years of infertility and IVF just made them worse!
Absolutely don’t go and also you don’t owe anyone an explanation unless you want to. A friend who was also going through IVF at the same time as me advised me to look out for myself and she was right.
I don’t particularly feel happy for other people being pregnant anyway but I’m a damn good actress and can make all the right noises - the problem is the toll it takes on me mentally is actually not worth it.
Good luck with your next round.

Your feelings are very valid and honestly if its upsetting then dont go, you have every right to say no.. we went to a baby shower 3 days after we gave birth to our baby at 16weeks as no one knew we did that at the time and it was the hardest thing I did to celebrate someone else's pregnancy while I lost my own and having people talk about things as though I was still pregnant and expecting but in the other form everyone should be allowed to celebrate their babies and we all have our own personal struggles to have our babies or extend our family's and no one should step on egg shells to celebrate their life events and every baby should be celebrated. Your sister inlaw should be allowed to be excited for her pregnancy and baby without feeling guilty and if its something you need to step away from then you also shouldnt be made to feel guilty, you both should be able to respect each other's feelings and still support each other.

I went to a baby shower whilst having a miscarriage and I spent every second fighting back tears. I know it’s not the same but I, like you, just didn’t want to rock the boat. If saying no in advance is going to cause issues just say you’ll go then send a text on the day “sorry I can’t make it I’ve got the trotts. Think it’s a bug, wouldn’t want to pass it around” or similar. You have to protect your own heart.
Good luck for your next round of IVF 🍀

I think you expressed it really well here, that you’re so happy for her but also so sad for yourself. It’s totally ok to feel both things. If you can explain it to her like that do you think she might understand? If I was in her position I wouldn’t want you to feel excluded by not inviting you but wouldn’t mind at all if you felt it was too much. Best of luck xxx

It's so so normal to have these feelings of mixed emotions and frankly I think it would be very weird if you didn't have them

How close are you guys?? Is it something you could tell her your struggling with or could you play dum and he all "oh gosh were soooo sorry we had booked a little weekend away to relax before IVF/coz of IVF/just to chill as works mental have fun text us who you are having" kind of thing

Do they know your going through IVF?

Yes I think they know about IVF. The family know we have been struggling for 2 years. They just don’t know the dates for treatment as we didn’t want to share these with family and then be asked constant questions. The only person that knows the dates is my mum as naturally she worries .

Sorry I haven't read any of the comments but I just wanted to say I think do whatever makes your heart happy, it's already a really emotional whirlwind without the extra stress. I went to a first birthday party a couple of years ago with all our friends and while everyone was sat talking around me I felt like I was the only person in the room with tears in my eyes, I left and cried the whole way home and just thought it wasn't worth putting myself through it so I've never attended any birthdays or baby showers since, I always explain why and if the person hosting doesn't understand then unfortunately I feel like it's on them! I've actually had an invite through for my boyfriends nieces "baby shower meal" at the end of November and my first thought was nope, however, me and my boyfriend have both been invited so I cautiously accepted, if I don't feel comfortable closer to the time then I simply won't go. I have a transfer at the beginning of November so I also think the outcome of that will sway my decision x

You do not need to put yourself through trauma and pain, for someone else’s gain.

Couples who are lucky enough to fall pregnant naturally and quickly will never understand the devastation of TTC.

Do not go, do not explain. Politely decline and wish them well

The SIL is your husband’s sister so he’s free to go whilst you stay at home. If she was your brother’s wife/gf then I’d say go.

Sorry OP, this is hard.

I would however message SIL directly and be very open and explain. I would find it very difficult to think someone wouldn’t be sympathetic to your situation. I also think being transparent will mean she’s more sensitive as her pregnancy continues around how/what she communicates to you. I think the suggestion of a private lunch separate to the party would be a lovely touch too.

I feel your pain on this! Lots of friends kids birthday parties where I am the only one without a child so end up just standing around looking awkward questioning why I went along! It doesn’t get any easier as the years go on ☹️

Not my thing but also think it is fine for her to have a gender reveal. You absolutely do not have to go and it is totally understandable to anyone with basic empathy levels why you would need to look after your own heart here. Up to you how honest you are with her depending on your relationship. You could also easily be sick and again most sensitive people would probably be able to read between the lines and understand. If your husband is up for going and/or would like to then yes of course he should go and support his sister in a happy moment for her. I wish you endless luck in your ivf journey. It sucks.