Failed FET transfer - in need of stories that bring hope

[BeccaT123]

Hi all,
I've had such a journey with my fertility and I'm now 39 years old (touching 40), started at 35.
1st IVF: 2021 - 15 eggs, 3 made it to 5 day blastocysts
1st transfer 2021 Failed
2nd transfer in 2022 Worked - neural tube defect picked up and the pregnancy was incompatible with life, had to sadly terminate which was traumastising
I was to go through another round months after but froze eggs instead (have 15)
It took a couple of years to recover and rebuild my relationship with my boyfriend, we went through a really tough time after and it broke us but we are now back in a good place.
IVF round 2: Despite an AMH of 5 and a good follicle count initially not many reached the right size and I only got 2 eggs, 1 fertilised (I think my hormones were all over the shop, I bled before transfer and was going through emotional stress at the time due to a family emergency)
I just transferred our 3rd and final embryo from years before which failed - only found out today and feel absolutely devastated. I don't understand why - it was a good rating, hatched and expanding, lining was great, hormone levels were good. I had such high hopes and felt I was due a little bit of luck. I can't understand why it didn't stick. I'm 9 days post 5dt now and was told today to test, but to try again in 2 days but don't feel hopeful.
I forgot how dishearteneing this IVF journey can be and wonder if I'm ever going to get my baby, and feel upset that I've pumped myself for hormones for 4 months in a row for nothing (EMMA test, attempted FET but lining wasn't where it needed to be, IVF round and then this FET)
Does anyone else drive themselves mad, thinking what if I had tried another month? why didn't it work? was it something I did etc?
I feel like maybe I should give my body a break now for a month (?) but then I'll transfer my day 2 embryo from my 2nd round next.. but as they put it in the freezer at day 2 it's not even technically an embryo yet so not sure how hopeful I feel about that one, and not sure if it's worth another full IVF round seeing how badly the last one went.
I am grateful that I have frozen eggs too so hope some of them can create good embryos, but struggling to feel optimistic right now, and in need of some stories of hope and a bit of a pep talk if anyone's willing! and anyone that can relate, please message me. Thank you!

I wasn’t in the exact same position but I’ve felt some of your pain. I’ve had the same doubts, the questions ‘Why not? Why didn’t it work? What did I do wrong?’ And honestly, nothing. You’ve done nothing wrong. I was fairly young when I started IVF, 34, I’d never been pregnant and didn’t know if could. In theory there was nothing stopping me but until at least i got a positive test, i didn’t know. We decided at the get go to do one round. We couldn’t afford more and had come to the realization that maybe it wasn’t our life’s plan to be parents. That was hard, but necessary for our mental health. We got 6 embryos in the end, and transferred one. It didn’t work, didn’t even implant. My world came crashing down. Even though I knew the odds were only about 50-60% I went in so positive it would work that the reality hit hard. I needed a break before transferring another. I took the summer off, didn’t even think about going again. Then we went back to do a check up to see if I’d returned to normal again and the dr said I was ready to try again if we wanted to. I don’t know why, but I said yes even though my mind was saying no. We did the transfer and it worked. The whole time I doubted if it would go smoothly without complications but it did. She’s here now and amazing. I wanted to give you some hope and also validation for what you feel. The most important thing is looking after yourself and when you feel you need a break or if enough is enough, that’s the time to stop. Nobody can tell you when, it’s something you have to decide. I truly wish you all the luck in the world 🍀💕

@Kaybee1989 Thank you so much for sharing your story. Mine didn’t even implant either and I can’t help but question why. Was it timing, the embryo, did I do something, could it have been different if I transferred another month? - not sure why I’m torturing myself with the why’s. I was so hopeful too as I’d had this embryo in the freezer for years and always had a positive feeling about it and now I feel like I’m grieving. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart and starting to lose hope of becoming a mum like you did as my options are drying up, as I also can’t afford another egg retrieval and not sure I’ll get many now even if I could, but I am so glad you got your baby and hopefully I will get mine too. I need to try and keep the faith, give myself a break and carry on! This journey can be so hard.
Thanks again for your post, so kind of you.