Failed IVF, how to deal with the loss?

[faithandhope2988]

We’ve done our first IVF recently which ended with a negative pregnancy test. We only had 1 viable embryo which was transferred at day 3. We put all our hopes up and prayed but in the end, we were crushed to know it didn’t work. I was in a state of shock when I looked at the first negative test. As much as I prepared myself of the possible outcome, I was taken aback of the immense pain that comes with a failed transfer. I can’t describe the silent grief of the lost potential. I know it’s not like a miscarriage but those two weeks I carried that hope inside me, I already felt as if it’s already there. My period has also now started which is a stark confirmation. My body is already starting to let go but my heart still won’t. How do you navigate this kind of loss?

I’m so sorry that you’ve had this experience, it is so hard. I had the exact same experience earlier this year and it’s devastating. I haven’t really got any tips for you other than to look after yourself and talk to others if you feel able. It will feel easier in time but it’s hard to imagine it right now. Big virtual hug to you xx

Hi OP. It’s so difficult and painful. I hope you’ve got support. Talk to your partner if you have one. My husband and I became so much closer in this journey. Some clinics also offer free therapy. My first IVF was also successful and it was a very tough time. Sending love and hugs.

I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out this time around. Do you think having some therapy through the clinic might be a possibility? I think by being able to share how you feel can be quite helpful.
I think in a lot of cases the first round is the one where the doctors try and figure out what might work best if you are to go again and make any tweaks necessary as everyone responds to different medication in different ways. Do you think you might be able to do another round?

It is so horrible and painful, I’m sorry. If it helps at all, I think statistically most people are unsuccessful their first round (I was as well) - it’s the reason why NICE says in theory people are supposed to have 3 rounds on the NHS. In fact, failure is so commonplace that my clinic said they don’t get concerned or do any extra tests until people have had 3 failed transfers.

I was finally successful on my 3rd transfer (although I’d also had lots of failed IUI’s) - it was my 2nd IVF round and they changed/added meds compared to the first one. Sadly I think the 1st round is often a “test” one to see how you respond to the meds and what they might need to tweak for next time (although of course they don’t tell paying customers that!).

But of course all this practical stuff doesn’t take away the pain, so please take it easy on yourself Personally at the time, I only got through it by focusing on planning the next steps. I’m finding it much harder this time around because I’m too old to cycle again now (I’m 44) so if my FET fails this time I’m out and there are no next steps. Can you manage to go again?

I remember this pain very clearly - I was upset and also extremely angry. Look after yourself, eat well, enjoy some treats and stay clear of alcohol. Exercise and get lots of fresh air. Next time you do a transfer you will feel more relaxed now that the worst has already happened. My second transfer I was convinced it wouldn’t work and I was more relaxed and it worked! You’ll get some strength to keep going in a few weeks trust me. x

Thank you everyone for your kind words. My husband and I are slowly trying to come to terms with the loss. We’re going to try again but since we’ll have to do another full cycle, we’re just going to wait a few months for my body to recover and also for our hearts to be ready again. It is indeed a very hard thing to go through and I feel for every single one who’s been through the same kind of pain. It is just like no other. It cuts deep especially when you have that flicker of hope at the start only to be extinguished by a single line. I have never had a positive pregnancy test from 3 years of trying so to see a negative one after our first IVF attempt is soul destroying. We did it through the NHS and now we have to wait months for a follow-up review. It’s hard when you’re kept in the dark for the time being on why it failed. We’re going to go to a private clinic for our next round in hopes of having more tests and more support in understanding the process and also less waiting time.

Im so sorry. I know how you feel and it’s gut wrenching. I was down for months, not depressed thank god but really down. Angry at the world for not letting me be a mum and allowing other people, who in my eyes at the time, didn’t deserve it (drug addicts, alcoholics etc) I felt like that loss, was a potential baby and my future life was ripped away from me. But trust me, time is an amazing healer. Try and talk it through with someone, let the tears roll if you want to, and maybe have the conversation if you want to try again. I had the discussion with my husband, and luckily he was very supportive about whether we try again or not. He understood that the person who takes the physical toil is me, and we discussed if we felt like we wanted/ I could handle another go at it. At the time I couldn’t emotionally handle it, but I knew that if I didn’t try again I’d regret it. But we capped it at one more try, after that we’d change our life plan to being childless, and enjoy life in another way, travelling together, bucket lists etc. This helped me to mentally be in a better place for the next try, knowing that there is life after IVF no matter what the outcome, and when the time came to try again I was way more chilled out, so relaxed that when the TWW came I went on a mini break and didn’t test at all. Came back from holidays, did the BETA blood test and was pregnant! Like most have said beforehand the first attempt is them trying to understand how your body reacts and chances are about 60-40%, it’s a numbers game sadly.
I truly wish you peace at this time and strength, and know that we’re here for you if you need a chat 💕💕💕

Yes actually the first try is maybe trial and error a little. I think the second time they upped my dose of progesterone and also did another test to check a fibroid wasn’t the reason. If you can go private you will feel more in control of the situation. I think the loss of control that comes with infertility was a huge part of my stress and pain too.

Hi, I’m really sorry to read your story. Unfortunately, IVF can fail, especially on the first attempt. The second and third cycles are often more successful. Take the time you need to recover—both emotionally and physically. Some women can do back-to-back cycles and recover quickly, while others may need even six months or more.
I’ve found healing in the stories of other women I’ve met here and in the IVFAbroad FB group—some of whom have had seven or more failed attempts and still find the strength to keep going and support others. Watching their determination and unwavering desire to have a baby has made my own challenges feel more manageable.P.S. The first time I heard about IVF was many years ago. I saw a boy at the playground and assumed he was with his grandfather but it turned out to be his father. Their journey to success had taken 15 years.

This is such a helpful community and I am glad I created this post. It brings me so much comfort knowing that I am not alone in this journey. Reading all your replies has been really helpful. We’re giving it a few months to heal and maybe do some travelling for the time being. We thought we’ll try again maybe early next year and go private. I’m diagnosed with PCOS so it’s something I also want to get looked at more as I was reassured from previous tests that I still have great chances of conceiving although IVF was suggested as my husband also has fertility issues.
We remain hopeful, I’m turning 37 next month so I want to explore our chances once I have recovered physically and we’re ready emotionally and financially.
For now, I keep praying for strength to just keep going. I’ve been feeling so down, some days were ok while others I just feel like I want to shut myself from the rest of the world. But I know I will be ok, maybe not today but one day.

IVF failure felt worse than my miscarriage mentally. You pour so much hope into it, it's devastating. I'm on my second FET and just think it's going to fail