The pit of your stomach punch…

[Hotandbotheredflower]

Anyone got any tips on how to cope with others pregnancy announcements. I seem to get the stomach punch drop feeling every time and a rush of sadness. Not sadness for them but jealousy, reminders it’s not me or what could have been.

I don’t hold it against them but I do tend to distance myself for a few days or weeks. I just found out about another and it’s that same horrible feeling and now I just feel a bit sad.

I’m afraid I have no brilliant ideas but wanted to say I feel exactly the same every time I hear an announcement (nearly 5 years TTC and currently going through IVF.) I’ve learnt to be kind to myself and acknowledge the feelings instead of trying to make myself feel differently.
I also spoke to my close friends a while ago and asked that they text me instead of announcing in person. They have all been really understanding. None of it has massively changed how I feel but it gives me a bit of time and space to process my own feelings so I can then be happy for others.

Yes that’s it, I like to process my emotions then I’m ok with it. The gut punch feeling goes away after a while. I just can’t be happy for them in the first 24hrs and I feel like a horrible person

You’re not alone and you’re not a horrible person. If you haven’t already come across it, The Worst Girl Gang Ever podcast has lots of episodes talking about the ‘ugly feelings’ like this. I found it comforting to know most of us going through infertility feel like this.

I also know this feeling well…I have no tips whatsoever though as I’ve not conquered it at all 🤣 it feels like a whole-body physical reaction that I can’t get rid of no matter how much I try :(

Another comment just to say I feel exactly the same it’s the worst feeling in the world unfortunately

Thanks all! It’s made me feel better you haven’t pounce on me and told me I’m an awful person.

I will look up that podcast now ❤️‍🩹

I empathise entirely. I have stopped telling myself now that I AM HAPPY FOR THEM BUT. Because honestly in those moments I’m not. The sadness and envy and fear and isolation and left behind feeling and - most acutely for me - feeling of failure and shame, is too much. Once I process and allow myself to feel how I feel without guilt-tripping myself then I find I some space opens up to be happy for them. But certainly not immediately and it is fine to distance yourselves (ideally with some communication if you need this to go on a while of course). Great idea about the texting - still hard but so much better. So much love to you.

You’re right if I was deep down honest, I’m not happy for them in the moment. I’m just angry and bitter. I’m sad and frustrated. I’m annoyed that other people don’t get it. I’m annoyed my own mother who had 4 children can’t say anything to comfort me when I need her the most. I’m annoyed my husband doesn’t really grieve our losses the same way I do and that it seems i am the only one who knows they existed or cared about my angel babies. They mattered yet no one else seems to care. I’ve just had another due date pass from a MMC where I also had retained products and got sepsis, not one person remembered (and I know they aren’t likely to everyone’s got their own stuff going on but I will message people when it’s an anniversary of their dad dying…maybe I’m just expecting too much). 2025 has not been my year so far and I’m so ready for 2026 to be here.

Sorry I’ve just been on a complete ramble and blurred my feelings out!

You’re not a horrible person. You’re hurt, you’re grieving, you’re frustrated, you’re scared, you’re probably exhausted with the whole bloody thing! But I get that it’s hard to admit outside of these kind of spaces because people just don’t get it.

I’ve got one friend who never wanted children get pregnant instantly, the same friend has recently said no to another friends plan for next year as ‘oh no I’ll have a newborn then’ - the confidence of that just made me so mad. (Obviously privately). But the idea that ‘of course I’ll conceive and conceive quickly at the time that I want to, of course the pregnancy will be fine and of course I’ll end up with a healthy baby at the end of it’. Meanwhile I’m ‘if we’re lucky, if this one works out, if this happens’ it’s so crap and unfair.

I’m sorry for your losses and your experience afterwards, talk about making a hard time even harder. I had something similar last year that dragged on and on. My family were sympathetic with my losses and did send flowers on the due date of the further along one which was very thoughtful but I know they’ll never fully get the grief. I asked my partner (who was heartbroken) if he thinks about it much ‘not really’ but I do every single day. It’s such a strange silent grief as it was never as real to anyone else as it was to you. It’s shit and sad and can really change you.

I’m not sure there’s a solution, announcements are really hard and I’ve not found a way to just feel fine about it instantly, but just accepting that has made me feel a whole lot better. I’m not sad or jealous because I’m a nasty person, I’m sad or jealous for multiple reasons e.g. I’m anxious what my own future might look like. And once I’ve got my head around it, allowing those feelings to sit side by side - I don’t have to feel 100% joy and nothing else - I can feel positive feelings and negative feelings too, we rarely feel completely 100% good or bad about anything in life. I think that’s just normal.

I hope things do turn around for you and in the meantime ramble/ rant away! We get it and we’re here 🤍

I know exactly how you feel. And honestly, I struggle to feel happy for anyone - I just feel resentful and bitter and want to scream 'it's my turn first!!!' I find myself really angry that they can just have sex and get pregnant, whereas we have to spend thousands of pounds for the chance. And angry that people get pregnant and just have a baby rather than having a miscarriage. And I know I'm angry at the situation rather than at them but it is hard to remember that. I definitely end up feeling angry with them even though they haven't done anything wrong. So all of this to say, you're not a bad person and it's more common than you think. But thoughts are just thoughts, we don't always control them and they don't have moral value.

I distance myself, this just isn't the season in my life for some of those friendships but if they are real friendships, the time will come where we can reconnect and be closer.

One thing that has also helped me (though definitely not always and this is not meant in a way that means you shouldn’t think your feelings are valid, because they are) is to remember that we all face different hards in life. Infertility is one of our hards. We have friends who are facing or have faced some big, different hards, and sadly we have friends who will face some big, different hards in the future. When I feel myself wallowing in the self-pity mud a touch longer than I feel comfortable with, I remind myself of this, and of all the ways that luck has been a lady to me in ways it hasn’t for others. There is so much unfairness in life, it’s not only this that’s unfair. This doesn’t take the pain away of course, I still feel sad, envious and all the other things I said before, but it just helps with perspective a bit.

I feel this and agree completely.

I feel horrible admitting this but… I was extremely jealous of my best friend when I was going through loss and heartache and she got pregnant and everything was going well for her. She found out all was well at her 12 week scan… same due date that I had but my multiples pregnancy miscarried. At points I felt happy for her, sad for me. At points I was brave enough to reach out and check in on how everything was going. But most of the time, I was so angry at her which now I feel so guilty for.

I finally went on to have a baby and have a beautiful life, unfortunately for her husband divorced her and she’s going through so much right now with her child. I used to be so jealous for her and thought her life was perfect and now, she’s going through her own rough time.

It has taught me the biggest lesson not to compare, and if we go through a rough time with ttc baby 2 this time I’ve learnt not to be angry at anyone for having an easier ride. Becuase we all struggle in life, just in different ways

@magpie234 that's a really good/healthy way of looking at it! I do like to remind myself of all the ways I am lucky, especially when you see all the awful suffering in the world too, to ensure I maintain a bit of perspective. I also read somewhere that instead of thinking 'why me' you should think 'well, why not me' and that does help as it makes me pause and highlights I am not anymore deserving than anyone else.

Girl, no tips but I think we’re all in the exact same boat ♥️

Just jumping on to say I feel exactly the same as you feel. I have had to take a step back from friendships as I can’t deal with it - I worry it makes me a bad person but I have to look out for my own wellbeing. I’ve been through multiple losses & due dates now & it just doesn’t get easier hearing announcements. Someone I know whose baby was due the same week my first would have been due is now having her second

@magpie234 what you say is very true. My DP says similar to me

So sorry for your losses OP, its a pain like no other. The majority of my friendship group either have babies or are pregnant and it has been a gut punch every announcement. I just want to scream it's not fair😭

Not directly related to announcements but something that helps me is seeing pregnant friends/ their babies one on one rather than groups so the conversation doesnt revolve around pregnancy or babies. Planning to see friends at certain points in my cycle where I know I'm feeling positive/ optimistic also helps. I try to keep in mind I don't want my friends' babies, I want my own and sometimes this helps to keep a little perspective and focus on my own journey. It's so tough though, I don't think it really gets easier. Hugs to you x