How do I support a friend starting IVF?

[Lemonandginger1]

My friend and partner are about to start the first round of IVF on the NHS. Throughout her fertility journey so far she's been open and talked to me about how she's feeling. Now I'm 24 weeks' pregnant. How can I carry on being supportive, but also be mindful that me talking about my pregnancy etc might be triggering? I usually don't bring it up unless she asks as I don't want to bang on about it.

I think it’s lovely that you care enough to actually ask this question. She’s going to be happy for you but it will likely be very tough for her - it’s not jealousy it’s just that she will be having thoughts that maybe she won’t ever get to this stage. I think everyone is different and it might be worth sitting down with her and asking her what she feels comfortable with. Maybe she will want to step back from attending a baby shower etc
I also think it’s really important for friends of those going through ivf to be mindful of what they say - not suggesting things like adoption instead etc or talking about how easy it was to conceive

You sound like a great friend. I think just be aware that she might not feel able to talk about some things or she may pull away from you a bit; don’t take it personally, she’s just protecting her mental health. All the best to you :)

I think you need to just sit down and have an open conversation with her. Your awesome already just thinking this way and I bet she would highly appreciate the thoughtfulness . You could offer to take her to some of her appointments if her partner cant take time off. You could take her a pamper kit for after her egg collection. You can help her stay busy in her tww after transfer by bringing her puzzles, magazines, going on walks with her or just joining her on her miserable days to be a shoulder to cry on. Ivf can be very isolating and loney, so the best thing you can do is not offer advice on next steps but offer her support in her journey with what every they decide as a couple. Ivf patients dont like suggestions such as using donor eggs or sperm or adopting especially when they have not tried all the treatments available to them and having a child that is genetically your own is very special and hard to give up on. Its only when you have exhausted all other option does these things start passing through your mind, but its not helpful having these options pushed on you. But I also want to say that ivf is all too consuming and you need to still be able to be expressive and excited and share your pregnancy journey.

You sound like a lovely friend. I think what would help me in this situation is no pressure to get involved or to be this super supportive and excited friend for you during this time. She's your friend so she loves you and is happy for you, but it's going to bring up a lot of complicated emotions for her - grief, fear, pain. So if there are baby showers, etc, maybe invite her by text but tell her you're OK with her not having the bandwidth to attend; that you get it. And also communicating about the birth etc over text message. The hardest thing with something like this is being caught unaware and having to "mask" and perform while you are dying inside. Giving her time to digest news about your pregnancy / baby every step of the way and then respond in her own time is a compassionate way of holding space for her and acknowledging her own situation.

Best of luck in your pregnancy!