Friends asking if we would adopt

[magpie234]

Bit of a rant really but why do people feel the need to ask this when I talk about struggling with infertility and going through ivf? Had dinner with a friend last night and she quite casually asked me if we would adopt if ivf kept failing. Like… maybe yeah? But I am nowhere near the point of being able to consider not being able to have children ourselves so I really do not know. I find this question so isolating as it instantly and intensely reminds me that they have no idea what infertility is like. The idea that we could just shrug our shoulders and say oh well we can always adopt! That is an amazing thing of course but a hugely intense and difficult process in itself from what I have gathered (and like I say I have not considered or looked into it yet as am choosing to remain hopeful that ivf will work for us eventually - am 35 and have only done one transfer!). Sigh… this came from a pregnant friend too. She is a close friend and of course only meant well but it is painful to realise how little others understand this experience.

I too have had this ‘helpful suggestion’, as if I wasn’t aware of the option to adopt. I think it comes from a need for people to problem-solve or simply to just say something and they don’t really think about what they are saying. However, it is extremely irritating. I see adoption as a very different option to having my own child and I know with certainty that it’s not an option for me. I too have had one transfer and I’m not ready to give up yet either. Good luck to you OP x

@YourTipsyDog Exactly… I also see it as a completely different thing and am bemused how others seem to think otherwise. It saddens me because it reminds me how unfair it is that they do not have to think about these things and can just have their own biological children whenever they like. If they did then they may not feel quite so blasé about the idea of blithely adopting instead! Best of luck to you too. Both of us are relatively early in this game.

I completely agree that it’s just a different thing. You feel like asking if they’d just swap out their child for someone else’s!

I think that every part of this is hard. Even though we are still early on, I feel like I’ve had to overcome so many hurdles already and I was mentally exhausted by it before I’d even started the IVF.

Everywhere I look there is a pregnant person; I know that it’s partly because I’m noticing it more but honestly, it has been relentless for the last year!

People can be so clueless.
I'm sorry you have to listen to this OP.

@YourTipsyDog I feel the same… there is a pregnancy apocalypse out there! It will largely be confirmation bias like you say but still… bleurgh. I am also right there with you on the feeling exhausted before ivf even begun. It is a gruelling rollercoaster ride with a lot of loops for sure.

@Everythingisokay Thanks! Like I said I love this friend… it just made the chasm in our fertility experience feel even wider when she asked.

@magpie234 you are a better woman than me! Lots of friendships were permanently tainted due to my experiences with m/c.

Makes me angry for you that she can sit there all pregnant and be nonchalantly asking you stuff like this.

Agree with PP that it’s likely because people want to problem solve. My experience was interesting because the ‘suggestion’ came from someone who decided to adopt after years of infertility. So i had to respond with sensitivity. However I also felt hurt because I didn’t need them to solve my problems, at the time I just wanted someone to listen after an unsuccessful IVF. It was also very interesting that the same person also suggested going on a holiday (this was when we were only trying for a few months but still!). You would think that someone who struggled with infertility knows for a fact how annoying that suggestion is. This person is someone very close and I know they love and care about me deeply but since then I just stopped sharing about my infertility struggles with them.