Struggling on and off at work - how did you manage and how much did you share with work?

[1Birdsong]

For context we’ve been referred to fertility clinic but not started treatment yet, so in the monthly turmoil of TTC and nothing happening. I’ve also had two early miscarriages/chemicals.

I’ve noticed I have waves of coping fine and then not coping at all - cyclical with my cycle really. A few days ago I felt fine, today I feel totally awful and like I have no capacity to do anything. I work with children and young people and it’s causing me a lot of stress because I don’t want to give them a subpar service or let them down, but I’m also struggling to focus, plan and be present. I’ve told my manager that I’m struggling with some personal issues and previously has referenced this in asking not to have things added to my workload as I felt both my work time is already full with what I’ve got, and I just don’t have the emotional capacity to stretch myself, whilst struggling with infertility. I’m also mindful more appointments will be starting.

i took one day off sick after one of the chemicals, but just said I was unwell.

I’m wary of sharing we’re having fertility issues because it feels so personal, I’m not close to my manager, and in our workplace it would be manager I’d share it with rather than HR. But then would being more open allow them to better understand? I’ve been given more workload and it’s sent me into a panic about how I’ll cope, but I worry I’ll just sound lazy.

I used to be highly motivated but I just feel a bit burnt out and have lost the ability to keep up and care as much as I used to, which adds feelings of being a failure and useless on top of being infertile.

Would really help to hear how other people manage

@1Birdsong sending you a hug. Before you speak to HR or your manager, have you talked to a professional to discuss your feelings? I think this would help you. In sharing with work - I think this depends on the kind of work environment it is and your manager and/or HR point of contact

I had a similar experience in that I’m not close to my boss and going through ivf. Last year I had a chemical and was going through and incredibly stressful time at work at the same time and didn’t say anything to work because I was new , it was far too personal, they didn’t have my back when I escalated my work levels were unbearable , and I’d go as far as saying I just dont like my boss or gel with her.

When we started fertility treatment this year I did very reluctantly decide to tell her because our nearest clinic is over an hours drive away plus they are always late so even a quick blood test ends up being 3 hours our of my day. I still don’t particularly like her or feel close to her but I’m actually really glad I told her and wish I had done sooner as the stress of juggling work and appointments plus the upset for me when it didn’t work and terrible crash in mood from the drugs would have been far worse if I was being vague with them. As soon as I mention I have an appointment or I’ve had some bad news or having an off day due to it, they totally understand without question and I feel less guilty about not being able to pull my weight as much. I say they because I ended up telling her boss and one other level up from that. For me it has been a positive experience telling them and reduced stress for me.

Same with friends, I’ve been stressed about having to leave a wedding early to take my jab , missing hen dos and bdays due to being upset etc and being honest for me has been much less stressful so people know I have a very understandable reason for not showing up in the same way. I’ve been overwhelmed by how understanding people have been

thank you, I’ve only recently finished counselling (for over a year), so had discussed some of this but then it’s become worse as time as gone on. I do share a bit with my fertility acupuncturist though which does help

Oh wow that’s good! Yes it does seem better to share, perhaps I will share a bit more

I suspect someone in the team may have had ivf although not certain, so perhaps wouldn’t have been the first anyway

@1Birdsong IVF is much more common than we realise, we’re just too afraid/it’s too personal to be comfortable with sharing. I’m glad that you have that. I found acupunture amazing during my treatment to really try and reduce the stress x