Disheartened- is history repeating itself?

[MissEmily5]

Hi all,
There is no purpose to this thread, just a bit of an outlet as we’re trying to manage our expectations.

Me (29f) and my husband (33m) are in the midst of second round of IVF (ICSI- both times). We’re technically unexplained infertility but we have had issues with sperm count and lining thickness.
Last round ended in heartache when we didn’t even reach blastocyst stage- just x2 8 cell compacting embryo's which were both transferred on day 5 which as expected ended in a BFN.
We give it all and tried lots of things over the two years we’ve been trying (reflexology, diet changes, acupuncture etc.) and it didn’t yield the results we wanted.

This time around I’ve been much
calmer- we’ve taken supplements and had honey daily (a fertility nurse friend recommended honey to us) but we kept everything else very chilled and it’s worked to a certain extent.

Stims were altered, we decided to take the plunge with the embryoscope (more for peace of mind that we’ve tried everything) and got zymot testing (basically a sperm obstacle course to pick out the best) and fortunately my lining is thicker than it’s ever been and I ended up with 19 eggs (last time was 15). In our mind that’s 19 chances.

I was border line OHSS this round and ended up with blood pooling internally after my ER which resulted in a pain I’ve never felt before! Still suffering now 3 days on (just hoping that if we have anything to transfer they’ll be able to- would hate for my best lining to go to waste!).

The only thing is I have this dread that it’s all going to go the same way as last time…
We got the call this morning that out of the 19 collected, 15 were mature and from them 7 fertilised normally- about average in terms of drop off expectations.
We have 2 embryos that are 8 cell stage, 4 at the 5 cell stage (so not too far behind on what is expected today) and 1 at 4 cells.

Last time we were told from our 6 embryos we had two front runners and the other 4 were slow- enter Deja vu and panic!

After taking a bit of time to take in the news, we called them back and asked questions about some of the problems we had last time compared to this time and there are improvements in terms
of my egg quality and OH sperm, which is great but still I can shake this feeling of doom.

We know no one can predict the outcome of whether we will get any blasts but god the nerves are just unbelievable. I’m not sure what we’re going to do if this round fails… it’s just so heartbreaking that we’ve not even gotten to the point where there is a decent chance to even hope at the dreaded two week wait 💔

I haven't experienced ivf so cant offer any opinion on that, but I have been ttc for a long time now and it's so hard when you want it so much, so I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are having to go through this, and I hope that you get good news very very soon ❤️

Hi @MissEmily5 just saw your post and remember chatting to you last year while we were both ttc with no luck so wanted to say hello ☺️
im so sorry that this journey is so difficult for you, it’s such a rollercoaster isn’t it. How are you getting on now?

I started my IVF in January, we got 2 good quality embryos and 2 not so good ones - the first transfer failed, the second one was successful but miscarried at 7 weeks, so now just waiting for my next FET, but not sure how they will go since the two supposedly good ones didn’t stick!

its all just so exhausting isn’t it.

sending you all the positive vibes 💫

Thank you very much for taking the time to comment, it’s very sweet of
you- we thankfully got some good news but the wait is going to be awful 💗

Hi @jenk91
long time no speak!
So sorry that you’ve had to go through this too- I never thought I would be in this situation.

I’m very sad and sorry to hear of your sad news, how heartbreaking. I really hope it works this next time for you. But there really is no telling with these things, it all seems like guess work 😔

we were very fortunate this time around and got a lovely blast that was transferred three days ago, and very lucky to have a blast to freeze this time. Soo different from last time.
Struggling in how to feel about it all though because I’m so aware there is no predicting how it will go. ‘Good’ embryos sometime fail and ‘poorer’ embryos go on to lovely babes- who knows!

sending all the luck in the world to you too! X

@MissEmily5 i know, sometimes I get lost in how unfair this all is, and how all my friends seem to be having their families no problem.

it totally does seem guess work and luck doesn’t it, but I know I’m lucky to have two more embryos to try so fingers crossed one of them works for me!

that is really great news about your two embryos! I’m keeping everything crossed for it to work out for you this transfer 💜

@jenk91 I think that’s the hardest part- the ease in which other people get to start a family and chose exactly when and how many. Leads to a lot of people not understanding the struggle and pain.

Definitely fingers crossed for you 🤞 do you know when you’ll be going again?

Thank you- transfer day went really well and I’m now 5dp5dt. They’ve asked me not to test for the full two weeks.
I have no desire to test early though, I’d rather be blissfully ignorant to the whole thing- last transfer we were given such a low chance and it was such a mind fuck of going from despair to hope. This time I just want to try and be as neutral as possible. No one can predict the outcome and we’ll deal with whatever it is but keeping my sanity is the goal 😂

@MissEmily5 totally, those who dont struggle really don’t understand.

well I’m hoping we can go this cycle, should start the down regulation on day 20 which would mean I think mid August for transfer - but waiting for clinic to confirm, so really hoping it’s not delayed a month.

ahh I’m so pleased it went well, the waiting is such a rollercoaster isn’t it, 1 minute you think it’s worked and the next think it hasn’t. Keeping your sanity sounds like a good goal 😂 I’m not sure I’ve had any sanity this whole year! But I get it, I think last time I tested 2 days early because I was pretty certain it had worked - but now I think my next transfer I will be looking out for those same symptoms which is not going to be good for my mind! Hopefully this weather stays nice and that will be a good distraction ☺️

They don’t indeed.
I really hope you get your much wanted babe this next cycle Jen ✨
I’m now on 12dp5dt and feeling rather mental despite all my good intentions 😂 I’m petrified to test on my OTD on 14dp5dt, but me and my OH keep telling ourselves that we’ll be okay no matter what (fake it till you make it and all that jazz)

@MissEmily5 you have done SO well not to test before test day, I can’t believe it! How are you feeling? It must be tomorrow right? Sending alllll the luck your way, will be thinking of you!

annoyingly I can’t start meds this cycle, so have to wait until my next bleed to start so means my transfer won’t be until September. I was really annoyed at first because I just want to crack on, but my last period was really weird so I think it’s probably a good thing to give my body a little extra time to reset after the miscarriage.

@jenk91 hi Jen, yes I can’t quite believe I held out but in the end I was just so afraid of it all being over again! Living for my PTPO status basically!
I can’t believe I get to say this and of course it’s extremely early days but I took 4 tests and got positives. In absolute shock and it definitely hasn’t sunk in. Very scared of it all going wrong but trying to enjoy the moment!

Really sorry to hear about the delay in your treatment, that sucks! But yeah giving your body some time to recover is the best decision- I hope it all goes well xx

Omg!!! @MissEmily5 thats amazing news, congrats 💜💜💜💜 yes just try and take each day and it comes and enjoy the fact that you ARE pregnant.

Wishing you so much luck and a happy, healthy pregnancy 💫💫

@jenk91 thank you so much 🥹🥰 it still hasn’t sunk in but the nerves are there! I’m so worried about every little thing incase it goes wrong, but no matter what the outcome I’m sure I’ll look back and wish that I enjoyed this time.
I hope on your next cycle I can be saying the same to you and that we end up next year with our babies in our arms :)