Scared to take the next step

[scaredoficsi]

I’m not sure why I’m posting this, I think to hopefully get some positive stories/support/encouragement.

DH and I have been TTC since December 2022. I’ve had all the scans/tests and so has DH. Conclusion is that my tubes are essentially fucked, DHs sperm isn’t great but not terrible and IVF/ICSI is basically our only hope.

I just keep expecting a miracle every month despite no longer particularly testing for ovulation, because on the one hand I feel it's useless/hopeless but on the other I have a little voice saying "you never know".

I’m really scared. I need to make an appointment for an initial consultation but I’m dragging my feet. I’m scared of the hope/disappointment, I’m scared of it all being very intrusive/painful. I’m just scared.

Hi there, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve found yourself where you are. We are 8 weeks from starting our first round. I’m sort of the opposite. At first it felt good but now I’m full of worry. I think it’s normal to feel the way you do but that doesn’t make it easier.

I hope you don’t mind me offering reassurance that knowing what the problem is is massively helpful going in. We are unexplained and I have no reason to believe that we will be successful because of that.

Is there anything specific that worries you about it all? Maybe someone who’s been through it will come along and provide some assurances.

Just sending you some love and know that it may feel like it, but you’re not alone.

I’m with you. We’re also somewhat unexplained. Husband has low morphology. I never got a Hycosy to check my tubes as once they found an issue with morphology they recommended going straight to icsi as we’re not getting any younger. I’m not afraid of any pain etc, I’m more afraid of it not working, or it working and suffering complications. I’ve always been fairly unflappable but I’ve been crying all week over it, I’m just a bit sad that I didn’t get the whole lovely surprise feeling, getting to take a pregnancy test and seeing a second line etc.
I start my stims injections tomorrow evening.

ICSI can be scary but it’s hardly ‘nice’ experiencing the disappointment every month either.

I would say get the ball rolling and get appointment booked, you could withdraw at any stage if it gets too much BUT at least you will be in the queue if you’re going for NHS treatment, or if you’re going for private treatment then contact a few clinics and see which one you want to use. There are of course people who just don’t want to pursue IVF, which is a valid choice, but I don’t get that impression from you OP.

It sounds like you just want someone to start it all for you and tell you it will be worth it. It might be. I’m not one of those people who will tell you it will work because it doesn’t always. But I had to try. And my lines in the sand shifted several times in terms of how many rounds we would do or how much we would spend etc. I’m out the other side and for me it wasn’t easy at all. I do know people who found it easy. A friend has 3 children via IVF and found it very straightforward. I found the emotional side very tough (I had several disappointments along the way). It took a few years from first attempt to having a baby. I hope it happens much quicker for you and the others here.

@Hopelessinseattle @SummerSolstice25 good luck with your upcoming treatment.

What's your husband done/doing to try to improve his sperm quality?

I agree with @LongerthanMrTicklesarms getting the ball rolling is sensible. You can change your mind at any time but you won’t fall behind time wise.

Thank you @LongerthanMrTicklesarms for your kind words.

Thank you guys for your messages, it's always nice to know that other people are going through the same thing, which sounds morbid as it's such a shit thing for anyone to be going through.

@Hopelessinseattle Yes I think we're definitely lucky knowing what the problem is. It took a lot to get here because I somehow kept stumbling on doctors/gynaes who would look at the Hycosy scans, tell me the tubes weren't "great" but that a miracle can always happen and to just keep trying naturally. It gave us months of false hope until finally a new gynae took one look and said our chances of conceiving naturally are basically zero, and why would I wait for a miracle when I could try and make it happen myself. I find it's just a shit ton of ups and downs, hope and false hope, etc.
I think I'm more scared of the emotional side than the physical side. I'm worried it'll make me absolutely miserable and horrible to live with, that it'll take over our lives in a negative way and leave us feeling worse than if we'd never done it in the first place.

@SummerSolstice25 Yes, I'm really sad too that we didn't get to experience the excitement, it sucks doesn't it. The missing the period and taking a test with baited breath, to finally see the line on the sodding test. It's not even fun to take them anymore cause I always know what the answer is before I look at it. It's just so disappointing.

@LongerthanMrTicklesarms You're right, I can always cancel the appointment or just not go to the second one, but you're also right in that this is absolutely something I want, which kind of makes it all the harder for me. I know without a doubt that I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't give my best shot, but gearing up for it is proving more difficult than I thought it would. I also dread the thought of it taking years and multiple rounds but if that's what happens then that's what happens, I know I don't have any control over that.

@Mulledjuice Everything we could think of/research. Hot tub has sat in the garage for 2 years now, hot baths have gone out the window, his diet is better than ever, rarely drinks, exercises but never too much or too little, doesn't smoke, takes as many supplements as he can, eats all the strange "sperm friendly" food I put in front of him, makes smoothies... the lot. Lovely man didn't even bat an eyelid when we were handed "fertility friendly crystals" and they're currently sat on his bedside table "just in case". We've basically been told it's all for nothing though and that there's not much he can actually do to change things, but regardless he's continuing on anyway.

It is really scary but it can work. That's what I told myself. We were told at the clinic we had a 40% chance which was infinitely better then what we had naturally (my husband has a very low sperm count).
We actually did get pregnant naturally but then we had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. Then a few months later found out about my husband's sperm issues. Not sure if that makes you feel better or not?!
It was the toughest time of either of our lives and I don't say that lightly.
I was also really scared about IVF especially egg collection. Ultimately our first round worked out (against the odds as my husband's sperm are few and far between and my AMH is quite low - we got 4 mature eggs and 0.1m per ml sperm on the day) and our beautiful baby is 1 next month.
My understanding is that IVF for understood fertility issues like you describe tends to have higher success rates.
Wishing you all the best xxx

I'm not even that worried about it not working - well, I am, but my main worry seems to be the emotions that will come with it, and if we'll be absolutely miserable throughout. I'm not saying I'm making any sense or that my feelings aren't strange, it's just what I'm feeling at the moment.

I'm pleased that it all worked out for you first try, despite the miscarriage, that must've been awful, I'm really sorry. Congratulations on your baby being 1 next month😊

Do you have any tips/advice on dealing with it all? In general we're pretty good with communication, telling each other what's bothering us/how we're feeling, but I feel like we'll have to get a whole lot better pretty sharpish with IVF/ICSI.

Thank you for your kind wishes @scaredoficsi and I am so sorry you find yourself here. Infertility is a brutal diagnosis. I personally find platitudes really infuriating so we didn't tell many people at all. No family and only 1 friend who had been through a lot of IVF on her own (as well as our bosses as we needed time off work).
The process was tough, but it wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be. It's good to keep a sense of humour (where you can!). My husband made a joke that the ultrasounds used a random follicle generator (the numbers kept changing!) and that cracked both of us up before every scan.
There's a lot of ups and downs in any IVF cycle but what I will say is that don't count yourself out. As I said we got 4 mature eggs, 3 fertilised and all 3 made it to day 5. 1 is now my son and 1 is in the freezer (1 wasn't quite good enough to freeze).
One tip my friend gave was to drink a litre of whole milk a day (ARGC the fanciest clinic recommend it to my friend and I think it helped but it at least gave something else to focus on!).
It is tough on you as a couple, but I think as long as you acknowledge that and work as a team it won't be as bad as you think and we weren't miserable throughout. I read somewhere after embryo transfer it's important to laugh, so we rewatched the inbetweeners and derry girls.
Take care and if I can help at all do let me know. People on here were so unbelievably kind that I am happy to help where I can, it is such a tough place to be xxx

@TheFanciestPants It really is brutal. It's the 'not knowing' that gets me. I actually smiled when the gynae told me it was hopeless because at least I finally had a solid answer, not this limbo world where "you never know" and "miracles happen every day". I also find the platitudes really difficult to deal with. All of the "just keep hoping" "I know a woman who was infertile for 172 years and then woke up pregnant one day, it can happen!!", just so unnecessary and infuriating, even though I know people mean well when they say them.

I'll bear in mind to keep a sense of humour and will try to keep things as lighthearted as we can day to day, will do all the usual things people advise like scheduling date nights to look forward to, trips etc. I suppose the only way to get through it is to go through it. I'll also drink the milk, hahaha, every little helps 😂Thanks for that!

Thank you so much. I've avoided posting about it on here because lots of people have it far worse than I do, but I know I have to do something to get my arse into gear now, have dragged my feet for far too long and this thread has definitely helped, certainly finding lovely people like yourself. We've got a hectic couple of weeks at work coming up, so I'll plan to make the appointment once all the madness has died down a little bit.

Hi I am so sorry you're feeling this way but I can fully relate. Literally sitting at work right now crying because I am terrified of starting our first cycle end of July. I put it off for a couple of months hoping the 2 iuis we did would work or hoping naturally but nope. We have a male factor issue called antisperm antibodies. Ttc for nearly 2 years now no bfp. We've recently signed the consents and have our nurse appointment soon to go through the protocol. Your post really resonates with me. I am terrified of it not working and the state I'll be in and if complications arise. Have you tried counselling? I had one session last week and it helped a bit being able to talk to someone neutral. She gave me some exercises to help as I probably am over thinking to an extent.

It's been really hard and at times I want to pull out and not go through with it. But when I really think hard I know in 10yrs I'll regret it and I've always wanted kids so it's what's keeping me going for now...

My husband is super supportive and would back me no matter but I can't pretend I don't want this so I am pushing through my fears as best I can. Think deep down will you have any regrets? I have good and bad days but what we both find helps is keeping me distracted. I don't personally know anyone who's done ivf but I know off couples who've done it and it worked which gives me hope. The community on here is lovely too which really helps x

How you feel is absolutely normal, love. It is a hard thing. But there is a ton of support out there. For starters, we are all here. And we know how it is.

I absolutely agree with you that the uncertainty is a killer. It's horrible. But we'll be here to hold your hand, and so will your lovely DH.

Thanks @Needamiracle12 and @SarahAndQuack

It does really help to know that there are others out there feeling the same thing, that I'm not crazy to feel the way I am, that I'm not being a wuss. It is such a scary thing and DH is just as scared as I am.

I know with 100% certainty that I'd regret it if I didn't give it my best shot and I need to come to terms with the fact that waiting around for a miracle isn't the best use of my time. It's just so easy to find excuses to push it all back - "it'll be a really busy summer we shouldn't put so much on our plates" "we deserve to relax at Christmas, not be thinking about all of this so we'll do it afterwards" "well we have a trip booked to see family and don't want to cancel so we should do it after that" etc, etc.

It's so difficult because on the one hand I know that I could be happy without a child. I know I'd be able to accept it and live a full and wonderful life with DH. But I know myself and I know I can only be at peace with it if all of our attempts fail. I know that if we just decide now that we're not going to try, it'll be a huge regret. But if we do try and we fail, then we'll be able to move on. We have to at least try, so that's what we'll do.

Christ, who'd have thought we'd ever be in this position.

I know you mean. I thought I was being a complete lightweight till I realised recently all these feelings are so common and very normal going through it. Be kind to yourself you're only human.

I have to currently actively stop myself glancing at my calendar as it then hits me oh crap there's only so and so days left till we start! I am definitely of the same thoughts as you with the regret if we don't even try.

Wishing you all the very best in this journey xx