Struggling to come to terms with reactions to failed IVF - is it me?

[SarahAndQuack]

I did a cycle of IVF last winter with a known donor (who wanted to be a dad) and his partner; I'll call them A and B.

It was a bit of a rollercoaster for all sorts of reasons, and then we ended up with four embryos good enough to freeze. We did PGT-A testing and they were all aneuploid (non-viable), and I was gutted.

What I'm trying to understand is - is it weird to have been upset? I really don't think it is, but both A and B were almost disgusted that I was. They said things like 'you mustn't wallow in it' and 'why are you moping around?' (these were days after we found out), and a couple of weeks after we found out, A said 'if you're sad about something that wasn't even two cells, what would you be like with a six month miscarriage?' The clinic sent us out forms to sign to agree to having the embryos destroyed, and when A hadn't signed his I asked B to remind him, and B said 'what does it have to do with him? They're your embryos.' He seemed really cross that I couldn't just deal with it all myself (which, of course, legally, I couldn't). He's said since he's very glad it didn't work out, since I'm upset about something that should have been 'ancient history' long ago.

I know people react to things in different ways, and I think B ended up getting cold feet about the whole thing and therefore being quite nasty about it. But I can't get a sense of what's normal. I don't know a lot of men who've done fertility treatment. I'm finding it really hard to get past how they've been, especially B who I don't think is masking being upset by lashing out (I think A might be). AIBU to be hurt by it?

No you’re not being unreasonable OP. I’m sorry you’ve experienced their awful responses.

I wouldn't do anymore cycles with them. It's a good thing you aren't tied to these guys forever with a child.

It's a really emotional rollercoaster ride IVF. Anyone who really wants to be a parent won't be describing them as a clump of cells.

Their responses are horrendous. Breathtakingly ignorant and misogynistic about the emotional and physical toll of IVF. The endless waiting, balancing hope while guarding your heart, invasive procedure after procedure. It's all worth it if euploid but otherwise it's starting over again at the foot of the mountain.

If you have an option to pursue an alternative arrangement definitely do so. Euploid rate can vary drastically across rounds.

Sending hugs to you, OP.

Thanks all, very much. And esp. @sirensong - it does feel misogynistic and I am upset by it.

I'm absolutely not doing another round with them (their decision, not mine). I just feel so destabilised by it all. I don't know an awful lot of men - I actually don't think I know any men who've been involved in IVF - and I just can't figure out what is normal. I know my brother said his wife's pregnancy didn't in a sense feel 'real' to him right until she gave birth (and embryos would definitely have felt like a theoretical possibility rather than anything more immediate).

Absolutely wow!!! What a pig!!! Im so very sorry OP for what you went through and your experience with these people. This is definitely not normal in any way, shape or form and your well in your rights to be extremely upset with your outcome as they were potential babies not just cells. You put your body through extremes with nothing to show for it. You actually deserved support, love and understanding. And as for your embryos, it was nothing you did. The saying goes, not all eggs are meant to be fertilised and not all embryos make a baby. This means in your next cycle if you decide to try again you very well could have a completely different outcome, no two cycles are the same. Good luck and I hope you have some family and friends who can stand by you and give you comfort.

Thanks.

I really just don't have any sense how people's male partners find it all/ feel about it all. And I know it's not the same, but it's the best comparison I've got.

I do know the next cycle could perfectly well be different - my understanding is that having 4 embryos make it to day 5 is a decent predictor of euploidy in the next cycle, so I am hopeful. It's just that when we started, I had got my head around the idea we'd do three cycles, I'd pace myself, and I wouldn't pin everything on the first cycle. Then they seemed not to get that it made a huge emotional difference to me to take it a cycle at a time, and they wanted to say 'let's see how this cycle goes and then decide whether we do another one'. I found that a lot harder.

So sorry you went through this, IVF is absolutely heart wrenching. Definitely one of the hardest things I have done. My husband was completely the opposite to these two when we were going through our cycle. If anything, I think he was more emotional than me! So, based on my own experience, no, it's not normal for them to be so heartless.
I wish you all the best for your future family. Please take care of yourself xxx

Good grief what a nasty sounding pair. Sounds like B changed his mind after it had already been done and they've had a huge row about it and for some vile, misogynistic reason they're both taking it out on you.

Ivf is so emotional, regardless of how far you get, and neither of them have any right to tell you how to feel or not feel! I wouldn't have anything to do with either of them again, unless they both sincerely apologise.

Wishing you lots of luck with whatever steps you decide to take next OP.

You're not at all being unreasonable being upset. B sounds awful and insensitive and either wasn't fully onboard to begin with or only realised late in the process that he didn't really want his partner to have a child in this way. A and B's lack of care is because of who they are and how they feel it's not reflective of all men.

My partner was really supportive throughout fertility treatment but that was because he was focused on us having a family together. A known donor is such a different situation because they're not attuned to your emotions and on the same page as you in the same way. My partner was with me when I got phone calls from the lab and was similarly invested in the development of our embryos. When we had our successful transfer he attended lots of appointments and would chat away to baby in the womb, when she was born she recognised his voice.

They sound horrible. Don’t have a baby with them.

Thanks all, I really appreciate it. It was hard for me to get my mind around - initially they both seemed really excited, and did want to be parents.

I think they are really sure that their way of reacting is 'normal' (or at least normal for men) and I'm being over-emotional. And I'm not normally a particularly over-emotional person, but you start doubting yourself, don't you?

Wow, I am shocked. I'm so sorry this happened to you. My husband has also said that my pregnancies haven't felt quite real until late on but he's a human being with empathy and therefore able to understand my feelings even if they aren't his! Of course it's absolutely normal for you to be upset - the fact they can't understand this is bizarre. It all feels incredibly misogynistic too. Are you planning to have more cycles with these 2? It's very hard to not judge them as incredibly nasty people from what you've said.xx

P.s. Just saw that you're not doing more cycles with them. Good. Really hope you start feeling a little better soon.❤xx

Thank you so much. It is really helpful to read this.

I absolutely see how a pregnancy - and especially embryos - might not feel 'real'. In a weird way I found it upsetting he thought they weren't even two cells - I don't think he'd taken on board that you spend those 5/6 days on tenterhooks waiting to see if they get from fertilisation to blastocyst, and it was really stressful for me. I was so excited when we got four embryos to that stage.

It's strange, but it's really helpful hearing strangers saying it sounds misogynistic. I suppose because they're gay men, I had this unexamined feeling that they wouldn't be being misogynistic. Which I just is daft, really. And obviously I did like them when we started all of this. I just felt so blindsided by it - it totally confused me that anyone would put themselves through IVF and just not really seem to take it seriously.

Anyway, I'm really finding it helpful reading what you wrote. I'm sure I'll feel better soon. Starting progesterone for a cycle on my own tomorrow.

@SarahAndQuack I've observed quite a lot of misogyny in the gay community and aversion to lesbians in particular. Probably it's nowhere near as high as in the straight male population but it definitely stood out for me because it's so unexpected. This definitely seems to come up relating to fertility/ the physical reality of the female body - I've heard some really disrespectful comments from those using surrogates in the past.

I think gay men can be some of the most misogynistic and sexist of all

How are you feeling now?