Not sure if I'm being oversensitive IVF

[SpookyTeacup]

Had an encounter with a friend a few days back that's really left me feeling down and I dont know if I'm just being oversensitive or if she was a bit out of order.

I'm going through IVF currently, and bar this friend, DH and I have not told a soul. The only reason I told her was due to her nagging about how I should do IVF (10 years infertility) so it was to stop her constantly mentioning it. I don't talk about it, we've been having an unlucky ride with it all.

She's currently heavily pregnant with her third DC so I've been distancing myself as its raw. I reach out every now and then to check she's okay, but I dont want pregnancy details. I just want to check she's happy and healthy.

I found out two of my three embryos didn't survive, and I was devastated. I messaged her with the news and after the standard 'I'm sorry', she started reeling off all of her jokey pregnancy 'annoyances' and about how her body acts when she's pregnant. I didn't respond but she could see I'd read it. She apologised, but said she can't pretend she's not pregnant and acted as though I'm being oversensitive by not engaging in pregnancy talk after losing 2 of my 3 Embabies. This came after telling me I just need to do something to take my mind off the whole process. I told her it's not exactly possible. I was sore from egg retrieval and was waiting for daily embryo updates to find out if I would be having my fresh transfer. Its been one of the hardest things I've ever been through.

I understand where she's coming from, I dont ever expect her to pretend she's not pregnant but I'm not sure that was the day to put salt in the wound. She has a fantastic friend group outside of our friendship so she has support, and I've been supportive of her other pregnancies with her DC calling me 'Aunty', but it feels like I'm not allowed to grieve.

I did explain to her how mentally difficult it has been, I'd spent all day crying in bed the day prior due to low fertilisation numbers and her response was just 'oh wow, I didn't know', as though she expects it to be a walk in the park.

I don’t think you are being oversensitive; it sounds like you have trusted her with something very personal and she hasn’t even tried to empathise. She doesn’t sound like a friend I’d want.

I’m also in the trenches of IVF and it’s dire; you are more sensitive to other people’s pregnancies and their language around it. It’s bad enough when people don’t know what you’re going through but if they do know and they still can’t bring themselves to be kind about it, they aren’t good people to be around in my opinion.

It's upsetting as weve been best friends for the best part of 15 years, but I just feel like we've moved to completely different stages in life. Or she has, and I'm just 'stuck', and I feel like she certainly let's me know it. The only time she ever asks about IVF is 'are you pregnant yet?'. No emotional support whatsoever and I think that's the most important thing.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through IVF. I hope the process is being as kind to you as it can be, and I wish you all the luck and success ❤️ please feel like you can reach out if you ever need any support. Its such a lonely journey.

Your not being oversensitive at all OP, it's a really tough journey and pregnancy in others is a massive trigger, I feel the same, I will check in on friends but don't tend to talk about the pregnancy, sometimes I feel awful for it but I also need to protect myself!

I think it is hard for people who get pregnancy easily to really understand how difficult infertility is because luckily for them, it's not something they've had to deal with, I don't think they realise it completely takes over your life and it's in everything thought, every day!

I wish you all the best of luck with your transfer, sending baby dust x

You're definitely not being oversensitive. I am so sorry that was not a nice way for her to respond at all and I am sorry you're hurting. Hoping the embryo you do have is a sticky bean for you. We are due to start our first ivf cycle and everything is triggering me just on the very fact I am finally accepting we are infertile. It's tough. I decided not to tell anyone for that reason. I have a friend who's very insensitive by nature and I definitely can't deal with questions from anyone atm. Hugs x

Thank you all ❤️ it's hard setting boundaries and even worse when the people you trust and care about the most can't respect them.

Worst thing is, it took her 6 months to conceive but only because her and DH weren't having sex, but she complained to me every month that she wasn't pregnant because 'they were too tired' and said she finally understood what I was going through. I really had to bite my tongue and support her through it, but then the first time they actually DTD she's pregnant and she's sending me photos of a positive test, expecting me to be happy.

The more I look back, the more I'm thinking I wasn't really a friend but just someone to vent at and give her the validation she was looking for 😔.

@Needamiracle12 make sure to take the time you need. Don't look at it as though you're 'infertile', take it as you're finally taking control of your fertility and smashing infertility in the face ❤️❤️

You are totally valid in your feelings, it’s such an emotionally draining time. I would say you just need to look after yourself and feel whatever you need to feel, and if you have to distance yourself from people to protect yourself, then do it. If they are true friends, they will understand. It is tough because sometimes you don’t understand how people can be so insensitive, it’s really crazy sometimes!

personally I hve found that being super honest with people (those you feel you can be) has been helpful as it allows them to understand and being more patient and sensitive with you. Although I have distanced myself from a few people - I have a friend of 15 years who I was super open with before my ivf started, that was 7 months ago and not once has she messaged me to ask how I’m doing, and I’ve also found out she’s 6 months pregnant but has not told me 😂

Just be kind to yourself and look after number 1. Sending lots of love and positivity your way 💜

your ‘friend’ is a dick!

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here- it seems to be more about your ‘friend’s validation than your feelings.

I find every pregnancy announcement feels like a punch in the throat; I want to smile and congratulate people but my face doesn’t quite agree! It’s harder still when it’s someone that you cannot avoid. I am still looking for the solution to this one…

Look after yourself first and foremost. It’s so nice to hear from people whose thoughts and feelings so closely replicate my own, it’s strangely comforting :)

@SpookyTeacupyou deserve better ❤️

You’re not being over sensitive.

Your friend is lucky and could just thank her lucky stars and complain about pregnancy to a number of other people but she CHOSE to do it to you. What kind of person does that?

I am very fortunate that after many years of IVF I do have a child now but I still feel triggered by others and their pregnancies.

I don’t think I can ever forgive the relative who couldn’t help herself from telling me her second pregnancy took 3 months to conceive and she was starting to worry so she has some idea of how I must have felt. Honestly I don’t have time for her any more, I just think she’s a dickhead.

In other areas of life I may be more fortunate than others and I am mindful of that. I have never been envious of ‘things’, but really don’t like how infertility made me feel about other people’s pregnancies. I don’t care that them being pregnant has no bearing on whether I could get pregnant, it is hard to see when it’s all you want.

Sending lots of luck to you all.

Absolutely agree with this statement..

Im so sorry OP. Yes your friend should be happy and excited about her pregnancy, its special and we all have our own struggles with ttc and every pregnancy is special no matter how many babies someone has. but!! And I mean a big BUT!!! She should have some etiquette about her for your situation and struggles with ttc. She should be more sensitive and definitely not joke around with you about her pregnancy right at a heartbreaking sad moment of your life with the loss of your embryos. Your friend doesn't sound like she cares about what your going through and your feelings and has no empathy for you at all. YOU ARE NOT BEING OVER SENSITIVE!!! Your friend is being mean and she is doing it on purpose and rubbing her success in your face. I would definitely distance yourself from the toxicity of her behaviour. We also have had to distance ourselves from people due to toxic behaviour.

I totally agree with all of these comments.
Some people have absolutely no self awareness.
I had a friend who i told about it, and when we visited a mutual friend with a little girl she was asking me 'are you making a note of which toys are the best' etc. I was astounded.
Im so sorry you're going through this, in the trenches its just awful, and they cant get it, but I've appreciated close friends saying they dont understand, which is absolutely fine.

So no, you're not being over sensitive, I wondered the exact same thing at the time but its them, not you.