Try for 2nd IVF baby after 39?

[Rach325]

Just seeking advice /others opinions. I know it's a very personal decision. But partner and I spent 3 years ttc and another year of ivf on the NHS, one failed round, one miscarriage and one gorgeous miracle baby. We only had 3 embryos. I had a lovely pregnancy until the end where I became really unwell with preeclampsia that quickly turned into hellp syndrome. I had an emergency c section at 37 weeks and our baby was in NICU for first few days of his life. He's a healthy, happy, smiley delight and I'm enjoying motherhood so so much. I just turned 39 and ds is 3 months.
The big question is do we go for a second? We want to decide by the time in 40 as it would mean another egg collection so don't want to put it off too long. Considerations are obviously how stressful would it be having two close together, would it pull my attention away from my ds. We'd have to pay and do the whole process again from egg collection and obviously thefe is the risk of going through it all and not being successful. Our house is more conducive to a 3 person fam, could potentially extend. Money and our age and the emotional journey of it all, along with my traumatic birth makes me think I should count my blessings and focus on what I have. The health side of things was defo scary at the end of my pregnancy, so would I just be putting myself at risk.

On the other hand, I am so loving being a mama, I think it would be lovely to have a little family unit and for ds to have a sibling. DH is open but might lean towards one and done. My family are quite dysfunctional and not tight knit so there is defo a part of me that wants to create a healthy family unit of our own. I'm already feeling sad that ds is getting big so quick, trying to savour every moment. A part of me gets jealous of friends that are getting pregnant a second time, which may be bizarre. I think if age, money, health and space weren't factors then I'd defo want 2 😂 but life is a bit more complicated than that.

Lots of people say you just know. I'm trying to just let it all simmer in the background and enjoy ds, but I honestly can't make sense of what's the best choice. Maybe you can't be so practical about these things, but finding it hard figuring out what my heart is telling me. I wouldn't want to do anything that would hinder the development and happiness of my ds... So having them so close in age would impact him, but maybe there's positives to being close in age?

Any wisdom, advice, anecdotes, own experiences are welcome!

Whatever happens, you already ARE a family unit.
I totally get the wanting another (I’m still having IVF after multiple rounds for DC1) but if it doesn’t work we are still a family.

Your factors are age, money, health and space. I’d say if space is enough for 2 kids who might be opposite sex (so will eventually need own sleeping space) then if health is okay I would go for it.
You mention money - I think you mean the cost of treatment, which is bloody expensive. But if you also mean cost of general living and activities and holidays and extras, weigh up what you would ideally like for your child/ren.

Also, very importantly, how much does DH lean towards one and done? You need to talk about what you are each prepared to do.

That's very fair advice. Financially it's more about the IVF. You are also so right about the family unit. I think DH is defo open to another but would be happy to leave it. I think he wouldn't want to be closed off if I really wanted it. But good way of framing it in terms of what we are each prepared to do.

In my opinion, the feeling of wanting more children never goes away no matter how many children you already have. I think its a great discussion to have with your partner if your really entertaining the thought of wanting another child. Honestly people have surprise pregnancies everyday and they adapt and make it work for them once they have that baby. I like to tell people who want another child that if they can afford to raise that child, provide a roof over that child's head and give that child everything they need then go for it. I guess if you decided that you want to try for another, you talk about how far you are willing to go to have a baby. As in how many rounds of ivf, how many transfers and so forth.