Giving up (secondary infertility)

[ZippyPlumDeer]

TW - secondary infertility, miscarriage.

We’ve been trying for just over two years, in each of the last two years I’ve had one miscarriage in each, two very different types of miscarriage but both required huge amounts of medical intervention and took 5-6 months from positive test to fully recovered.

They were nothing short of hell. They both coincidentally happened across the one holiday I had booked in each of those two years too, I had to cancel one holiday and loose £1000s and go on one and cry for a week. I know there’s no good time to have a miscarriage but it feels especially unlucky.

I feel like a completely different person to who I was two years ago, I feel like I’ve lived through a battle. I’m exhausted of the tests (that haven’t given any answers), of the £1000s I’ve spent, of the joy that has been sucked from so many days that should have been nothing but lovely, of the weird rules I live my life by, of not just enjoying my life for what it is right now.

I’ve been almost possessed at the thought of giving my child a sibling, manically working out age gaps and sobbing when I realise we’re now at such a bigger gap than we wanted, feeling a gut punch when my child asks why they don’t have a sibling. It’s taken over my life in every way and I’ve had enough. I’ve decided to give it two more months and then I’m done.

Has anyone else given up? Any regrets?

I've got to run but wanted to reply. Reading what you've been through I can just hear how mentally and physically spent you feel. And I know how this longing to give them a sibling takes over and kind of overshadows your time as I've been trying to give my 7 yr old a sibling for last 4 years. On reflection, he's rarely asked for one and is the happiest child I know. But I'm an older mum and obsessed with him having his person. My counselor said that he'll find his people his own way and I know she's right. I tend to hyperfocus but it's so hard to let it go isn't it? I think you'll get to a point where you'll know and I recommend counseling it's helped give me some clarity. I've some frozen blastocysts to try and then I'll be done. I could have written that last paragraph about working out age gaps but if I was younger I know if keep going but when it gets to the point where it's robbing you of simply enjoying the child you have, is the cost too high? Urgh! Sending a hand hold.

Hi @ZippyPlumDeer and @Sara237 How are you doing now? I know this thread is a few months old but this resonated with me so much, especially the “I’m an older Mum and obsessed with him having his person”. My DS is 3, I’m a SMBC and he doesn’t have any other family (cousins etc) that are close to his age. I hadn’t considered how tough it might be when I had him that most kids we meet either seem to have siblings (even older half ones), or at least other family members like cousins around their age to play with.

I’m 44 and had just had a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage - my last chance at a FET and of giving my son a sibling. I think it’s especially difficult as I’d never had my hopes dashed in quite that way before - my previous failures (before DS) were always just BFN. It seems harder to get your hopes up, work out due date etc only for them to be quashed.

But I know I’m too old for IVF again now (my FETs were from embryos frozen from the round that made DS when I was 40). So this is done for me and I have to find a way to get through it. It helps that he’s never asked to have a brother or sister but I admit I’m finding the idea of him being “alone” harder than I thought I would when I was just desperately trying to have him in the first place! Hope you both are in a better place emotionally or that you have managed to have success for a sibling.

@Alexandrine im so sorry to hear your story. It’s quite similar to mine. My son is 5 and we’ve been trying for a year with 2 early losses. I was too scared to try earlier as I struggled massively with pregnancy sickness and naively left it too late. I’m 43 now and I have missed my opportunity.

My son doesn’t ask for a sibling but every day I regret not being braver that I couldn’t try. I’m scared he’s lonely. I’m scared people feel sorry for us. And mostly I am scared I won’t ever love another human like I love him. He’s my world and I’ll never get to experience that again. All my friends have 2or more kids and I feel like a leper.

Will this ever get easier? X

@EmberR Sorry to hear you are going through the same thing 😢 I completely understand why you put it off trying for a second one - not everyone can cope with a small age gap, especially if you found pregnancy (sickness) or the baby years tough. You did the right thing focusing on your DC at a stage when they needed you most imo.

Personally while I found pregnancy fine, I feel I missed out on some of my son’s earliest moments as I suffered from PPD and had a real battle to breastfeed (seemed to spend all my time pumping to try to increase my milk as he couldn’t latch properly), plus I had an absolute terror of SIDS- so my Mum ended up helping out a lot with him. I’m very grateful to her but I was hoping that this time might be easier and that I’d get a chance to enjoy it more second time around - with the benefit of more experience and less “new mum” panic. But I left it too late/no more money for IVF.

I try to remind myself how lucky I am to have DS at all (especially in my situation as many single women in their late 30’s/early 40’s don’t get the chance) - its just still surprisingly tough seeing so many kids have a sibling at nursery and elsewhere. And of course, it’s harder not to be overprotective too, when you only have the one.

However while I know it’s completely too late for me because of being single at 44; maybe it’s not completely too late for you if you have a husband/partner and are able to try naturally without IVF? Though of course it does depend on whether you can take the pain of more potential losses which is no small thing 😩 (It’s just that I do know a couple of friends with partners who have eventually had “menopause babies” naturally at 43 and 44 - one was even her first/only! She had been trying for ten years with no luck/only losses till then 😱 She thinks her body must just have come out with one last good egg).

As for ever getting over the pain, I really hope for us that it might get easier in time, even if it doesn’t completely go away. I think once kids get older you tend to see a bit less of their siblings, at parties or at school pick ups etc. So perhaps less of the constant reminder (apart from family/friends with 2 or more of course) - plus by then people are less likely to ask “are you going to have a second?”.

I keep trying to remind myself of the benefits of having an only child - mainly that all your time and money is focused on them, it’s the only thing I can do now. X

@Alexandrine thank you so much for your thoughtful message. You are so kind and so brave. You’ve done so well to be a mum and to do this alone I salute you. No wonder you needed your mums support.

The first year with my son was so challenging. I also struggled to breast feed and didn’t settle into motherhood calmly. It was in the beginning of lockdown so we had little help and I was scared a lot of the time.

I absolutely agree with all your comments. My son is happy and grounded and I am an amazing mother of one child and could be so because I focused on him. I would have been so much more anxious if I’d been trying to conceive or pregnant during his first 2-3 years.

But as you say the constant reminders at school pickup and friends parties is that everyone has a sibling. He is sociable and plays with the other children but then when it is just us at home I feel sorry for him. And blame myself it’s all my fault I wasn’t brave enough to try. My husband wanted to try when I was 40 but I wasn’t brave enough. Then at 41 I wanted to but he said no. Then we started trying at 42 (he won’t do IVF) just thought it might be a last chance saloon miracle and it hasn’t happened. After this last loss I think physically and emotionally I can’t do anymore.

You are so brave and wow you managed to be a mum and what an achievement on your own and you must be so proud of your little one. We will find peace in our hearts at some point when they are older and the daily reminders can slowly ebb away. X

@Alexandrine i totally agree with the I’d do it better second time round and be less scared! I almost wanted to test myself to say hey I know what I’m doing now let me show the world (mainly myself) that I wouldn’t find it so hard

@EmberR You did amazingly well getting through all that and focusing on your son - he sounds like an amazing little guy 🤩 (and it is a credit to to you that he is so sociable, especially with Covid limiting things in the early stage). Like you, I felt going through the likely loss, as my odds were never good IVF wise, would have been too much when my son really needed me in early toddlerhood.

But while my son is very bright and quite confident, unfortunately I can see that at the moment he finds it quite difficult interacting with other children as he’s been used to so much adult company. He’s just started nursery (his first time really around other children without me there) and he hates it 😩. I do wonder how different things might have been if I’d been able to manage a sibling, especially with the standard 2 year age gap that many seem to have. We were lucky that the worst of Covid was over when he was born - but going to lots of toddler “stay and play” groups with me before starting nursery isn’t quite the same as interacting with a sibling or cousin etc regularly is it ?😢

Anyway, no point wishing to change things that can’t happen. Peace and happiness to you - I don’t blame you for wanting to draw a line in the sand now either and just enjoy spending time with your boy, rather than risk going through more emotional upheaval ❤️

@Alexandrine your son sounds like a cutie and I promise you he will gain confidence and be more independent. Then you’ll wish he wasn’t! My son really struggled with nursery and reception at school and was very clingy and shy. But he found his way and is gaining confidence every day.

we too don’t have any close family with young children so every family event he is the only child. It breaks my heart as I do believe if he had a similar age cousin the desire for a sibling wouldn’t hurt as much.

I hope you too can find peace and happiness in your circumstances and I suppose know that the grass isn’t always greener. Xx

Thank you @EmberR ❤️ I’m sorry you’re in the same situation as me with lack of young family peers as well as a sibling for your boy. It probably goes to show it must be more common than we think. It’s wonderful to know your son gained in confidence as time went by at school too. Wishing you all the best for the future x