Grief of Secondary Infertility.

[FluentPanda]

trigger warning my post discusses recurrent miscarriages.

Hi. I'm new to posting to Mumsnet although I'm aways on here getting much needed advice. Forever grateful for Mumsnet 🩷

Not sure why I'm posting. Maybe to vent to somewhere outside of my group of friends.

I'm currently struggling with secondary infertility. I do have one child who is nearly 7 and I've been ttc on/off since they were 2. During this time I've suffered around 7 miscarriages, all early.

I'm also going to turn 40 in a couple of months and I feel like my time has run out. I never judge older mums but I never wanted it for me nor did I want to have a big age gap.

I have always had irregular periods and since trying for DC2 I've been on clomid, letrozole and metformin to help that. The process with the NHS has been long and difficult but I finally got referred to the recurrent miscarriage unit and all my tests came back normal. Which I find strange.

I get stuck in constant states of feeling sorry for myself or I beat myself up. Every time I get one step forward something happens and I feel like I have taken 10 steps back. Because of the long process with the NHS, I regret not going private sooner because age isn't on my side. I also feel like I couldn't cope with the mental toll of IVF and I also think because my issue is staying pregnant not getting pregnant, would it be worth my while anyway?!

When I talk to friends/family they always say 'keep positive, at least you already have one'. I do try to stay positive (most of the time) but really it see still really guts me, it invalidates my feelings. sometimes trying to stay positive feels toxic. Yes I am lucky to have a child but it doesn't make the pain of not being able to have a second any easier. I want nothing more than my child to have a sibling, they want it too and always ask why they're an only child.

During my time ttc, friends have had their 1st and 2nd children and I'm so genuinely happy for them and it makes me want it even more, so I can go and do all the Mum things with them.

I'm on progesterone now but I'm not falling pregnant. I did fall pregnant on progesterone once, but as advised, I stopped taking it because I had a negative pregnancy test and I had what I thought was my period. Two weeks later I didn't feel right and was bleeding again and it turned out I actually was pregnant and the bleeding was another miscarriage. I felt so angry with myself.

I talk all the vitamins/supplements recommended on here and take aspirin too after ovulation.

I've only got 1 cycle left of letrozole and progesterone, if I don't fall pregnant, that's it We're done.

I sometimes feel embarrassed how long it has taken me and because of my age.

I feel like it's just not meant to be for us and I feel sad.

Im sorry for your recurring losses and I know how hard that can be. As for people saying be happy you have one, have never been through infertility and struggled to build their family. Its very invalidating of your feelings to have another child and there is just no understanding or empathy in those sorts of comments. Its a shame your not interested in going through ivf as there is so much more options for your situation that can be tried through ivf. You can have embryos tested incase the miscarriages you have had are unhealthy embryos. You can have medications to prepare your body to accept a healthy embryo progress. Your partner can have his sperm tested and if there is a slight chance there is a sperm issue then there are things like icsi. You have so many more options. I dont know everything there is about ivf I only know about my own treatment but I'm sure someone else has a lot more detailed information. I dont think it would hurt to book in to talk to a fertility specialist and at least talk about the options you have available to you.

@FluentPanda what tests did they do as part of the recurrent miscarriage investigation? Ultrasound and hysteroscopy too? Also your partner's semen analysis?

You'd be able to handle IVF if you can afford it - countless other women handle it. A possible benefit is doing PGTA testing to separate out the chromosomally normal embryos. Do you know your AMH/ AFC and FSH?

You're still in the game at 39/ 40. Get rid of the feeling embarrassed sentiment! You never know what anyone else you know is privately dealing with in their life.

@FluentPanda didn't want to read and run I am also secondry infertility also if advanced age, have 3 rounds of IVF managed to get pregnant but same as you lost around 5 weeks and also a missed miscarriage, secondry infertility is so hard we have been trying 7 years 3 years of IVF and still don't have a baby, I've just gone through realistically my last round as funds are hitting over 27k and we can't keep going through it when I just can't seem to stay pregnant, the good thing with IVF I have been put on progesterone injections and blood thinners so there is other supporting drugs via IVF

So sorry for your losses.

I have found it so difficult to talk to people about IVF when I already have one child.
I get so many comments ‘ are you having a second child’ and ‘you don’t want to have too big a gap’, ‘it’s cruel to have just one child’ or ‘at least you have one some people don’t have any’. It makes me feel so embarrassed, sad, ashamed of having to go through it. 2 failed rounds and costs so much. We only got one fertilised egg first time, then 2 the second. Second round I ended up hospitalised with a kidney infection. Everything takes so long and I am constantly clock watching as I turn 40 next year.

I know I’m so lucky to have a child but I always wanted to have a big family and feel constantly guilty about desperately wanting one even although I have an amazing child already and then not being able to give my child a sibling.

It’s hard.

@camelinastorm so sorry to hear what you have been through on your journey 🫂 praying that your last round will bring you & yours your rainbow 🌈

@sirensong I know, I really need to give my mindset a good shake, I just have moments sometimes. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself when I'm happy for friends that had children between 40-47.

To be honest I did know what they tested for but I couldn't tell you now, I'm not good with recalling any medical stuff, but I did get the results for all the things you asked about and my partners results came back normal.

I think I will do 1 round of IVF, but it's only to be able to say that I gave it a go, I wouldn't want to have regret later down the road and wished I did it.

@TheTicklishHedgehog sorry you're also on a tough journey and having to deal with unsolicited advice/opinions. I've been told by my Mum and my Nan that I'm too old, and that was at 37! So maybe that's where my embarrassment stems from regarding my age. Makes me dread having to tell them if it does happen for me.

I feel you and your last paragraph. Please don't feel guilty. I feel exactly the same, my son is my world and I look at him every day and know how so so lucky I am but it doesn't mean that we're not allowed entitled to want/dream for more. It really is hard.

Currently going though this too! We went to a clinic to see about ivf but it’s looking like that isn’t even an option for us based on some scans/bloods etc! Just waiting for further bloods to be find out!
I agree people saying you are lucky to have one, is totally invalidating of your feelings! I find it so frustrating!
im 31, but have a really low amh and AC so unfortunately dont think ill ever have another baby! It’s so hard to accept though when id always planned for 2! Just always imagined my life with two babies!