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Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Original poster

IVF not going well- any stories from those that have needed to accept child free life and been ok?

9 replies

Dylan8523 · 27/04/2025 20:11

Hi,
I have stage 4 endometriosis and had a right fallopian tube removed earlier this year that was damaged due to hydrosalpinx. I’ve had one round of IVF on NHS before this procedure, good amount of eggs collected but not many fertilised and only one embryo to transfer which didn’t take.

I have just had a second cycle of IVF which we’ve paid for and the hope was for a better outcome where it is soon after a laparoscopy to clear some of the endo and remove the damaged tube. ICSI was discussed due to previous low fertilisation rate but doctors said it wouldn't make a difference as there is nothing wrong with sperm motility. Long story short- this time again got decent amount of eggs from the egg collection, but again only 4 fertilised, out of 12. None of those survived to the embryo transfer.

I'm feeling heartbroken that after everything my body has been through with endo related surgery to improve things, the outcome was even worse than before. We have agreed we will have three tries, so we have one cycle left that we can fund, that was my line in the sand. I will insist on ICSI this time.

It might be the dejection talking, but I can’t help my gut feeling that this just isn’t going to happen for us. The endometriosis is severe, I am coming up to 36 years old and have never been pregnant.

I know there are stories of people trying for years who suddenly miraculously get pregnant after they’ve given up, but I’m not really looking for the exceptions- you know, the Mrs ‘I have half an ovary and now pregnant with twins on my 25th IVF round’…it’s great for those people, but I think what I need is to believe I’ll be ok if I’m not one of the people that gets the miracle.

Is there anyone out there who has made the difficult decision that their TTC journey needs to come to an end, and even though you’ve wanted a family you’ve accepted it won’t happen for you? Was there anything that helped? What gives you fulfilment now when you thought it would be kids? For context I do work and my job is just ok, I’ve ended up climbing quite high up the ladder of a career I’m ambivalent about.

Thank you for reading this far- feeling very lost and haven’t really found anyone to talk to that understands- most of my friends have kids and even those who’ve had IVF got there eventually- but I’m not sure I will.

OP posts:
girljulian · 27/04/2025 21:36

Hugs for you. I've just had my third IVF round and it didn't work, but it was my line in the sand too. I feel like I've been conclusively told by the universe not to waste any more of my time on this. What tells me that I'm not desperate for a child is that I absolutely don't want to use a donor egg, or to adopt. If I was desperate I think I'd do one of those things.

Original poster
Dylan8523 · 27/04/2025 22:58

girljulian · 27/04/2025 21:36

Hugs for you. I've just had my third IVF round and it didn't work, but it was my line in the sand too. I feel like I've been conclusively told by the universe not to waste any more of my time on this. What tells me that I'm not desperate for a child is that I absolutely don't want to use a donor egg, or to adopt. If I was desperate I think I'd do one of those things.

This hits home; thank you for sharing your experience, I feel the same when people have asked if I’ve considered adoption etc. I just don’t think it would be right for me, I came around to wanting children later in life, I’m the youngest sibling without much child experience and wouldn’t exactly call myself the most natural with other peoples kids. But I was drawn to having a family unit and the togetherness that people with families have, and having someone else to love. I keep telling myself I have a full life, but can’t shake the sadness. Is there anything that helped you accept it? Agree I think adoption or surrogacy not appealing to me either might tell me I’ll be happier leaving it alone.

I'm sorry you haven’t had luck with IVF either, it’s so much to go through and I don’t think anyone that hasn’t struggled with fertility problems gets it- even though they try so hard to be supportive. Getting so tired of my friends very well meaning but empty feeling condolences when I only ever have bad news. Did you find it more difficult knowing it was going to be your last try, or any kind of relief to have a final outcome? Torn between hope that I’ve agreed to one more try, and being sick of the limbo of not having a conclusion either way yet.

OP posts:
girljulian · 28/04/2025 12:42

<3 I am also 36 and I could've written your post. I was adamant that I didn't want children until I was about 32, and then I blithely went to get my AMH checked and it was really low. This shook me and I think I then thought, well, if they say I can't do it, I damn well will! First round I got two eggs, one blast pretty good going, but chemical pregnancy. Second round I got four eggs and 3 blasts! Two BFNS and a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Not looking good. This round I got four eggs and none of them even fertilised normally. That told me that clearly at this point, my eggs are crap (also had endo surgery) and when I sat back to think about it I was like why am I doing this? Because I hate failing at anything? Could be!

I like kids but I also really like my life. And I've never been maternal and I don't think I'd be a great mum. So I've just come round to the idea that it's a "might have been nice" that isn't going to happen for me, and that's okay. I'm pretty selfish anyway and I like sleep...

girljulian · 28/04/2025 12:51

Sorry, I don't know why half that post is crossed out!

Morry15 · 28/04/2025 15:34

I had one round of IVF. Due to my age, it was all done privately so a big hit to the savings account.

Subsequently, I fell pregnant naturally (many) but all the pregnancies resulted in miscarriages.

I was deeply broken. It's a feeling difficult to explain. It's like grief but you mourn the person that MAY have been and the life you MAY have had. I was a zombie. My friends would announce their pregnancies and I was always happy for them but then dreaded the following months.

The decision to stop trying was basically made for me as my then DP had an affair with a (younger) lady and got her pregnant so that was the end of that. It was horrible.

That said, when he was gone and I realised I would never have a child, there was a sense of sadness but also a big relief that there would be no more tests, no more anxiety, pregnancy test after pregnancy test, ovulation calendars, hormone tests. I was so consumed by all of that for years that I stopped living and was just existing to track my next menstrual cycle. I would avoid going to the bathroom for as long as possible during the day (when I'd tested positive) as I didn't want to see any indication of a miscarriage.

I then decided that I would embrace my life. Travel more, more hobbies, spend time with friends and do the things that make me happy.

It wasn't an overnight process, it took a minute and I personally am a great believer that things work out as they should.

I'm not minimising anyone's journey or pain. It's real and it's horrible but you will get to the other side.

Original poster
Dylan8523 · 28/04/2025 17:16

girljulian · 28/04/2025 12:42

<3 I am also 36 and I could've written your post. I was adamant that I didn't want children until I was about 32, and then I blithely went to get my AMH checked and it was really low. This shook me and I think I then thought, well, if they say I can't do it, I damn well will! First round I got two eggs, one blast pretty good going, but chemical pregnancy. Second round I got four eggs and 3 blasts! Two BFNS and a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Not looking good. This round I got four eggs and none of them even fertilised normally. That told me that clearly at this point, my eggs are crap (also had endo surgery) and when I sat back to think about it I was like why am I doing this? Because I hate failing at anything? Could be!

I like kids but I also really like my life. And I've never been maternal and I don't think I'd be a great mum. So I've just come round to the idea that it's a "might have been nice" that isn't going to happen for me, and that's okay. I'm pretty selfish anyway and I like sleep...

The ‘might have been nice’ mentality is so helpful to think about that way! That feeling that your eggs are just crap- definitely feeling this. I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriage, it’s reassuring that you’ve found some peace with the fertility journey going badly and gives some hope that the shit feeling isn’t forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dylan8523 · 28/04/2025 17:29

Morry15 · 28/04/2025 15:34

I had one round of IVF. Due to my age, it was all done privately so a big hit to the savings account.

Subsequently, I fell pregnant naturally (many) but all the pregnancies resulted in miscarriages.

I was deeply broken. It's a feeling difficult to explain. It's like grief but you mourn the person that MAY have been and the life you MAY have had. I was a zombie. My friends would announce their pregnancies and I was always happy for them but then dreaded the following months.

The decision to stop trying was basically made for me as my then DP had an affair with a (younger) lady and got her pregnant so that was the end of that. It was horrible.

That said, when he was gone and I realised I would never have a child, there was a sense of sadness but also a big relief that there would be no more tests, no more anxiety, pregnancy test after pregnancy test, ovulation calendars, hormone tests. I was so consumed by all of that for years that I stopped living and was just existing to track my next menstrual cycle. I would avoid going to the bathroom for as long as possible during the day (when I'd tested positive) as I didn't want to see any indication of a miscarriage.

I then decided that I would embrace my life. Travel more, more hobbies, spend time with friends and do the things that make me happy.

It wasn't an overnight process, it took a minute and I personally am a great believer that things work out as they should.

I'm not minimising anyone's journey or pain. It's real and it's horrible but you will get to the other side.

Edited

The grief that you talk about has hit the nail on the head. Literally just had a friend message me before messaging our main group to give the advance heads up that she expecting baby number two- grateful that she has made the effort to be considerate but hate being the friend that needs to be tiptoed around so have stopped sharing as much with close friends. I look at the life they have and have the horrible ‘why do they have it so easy’ thoughts- it has turned me into the worst version of myself.

Feeling the brokenness and living like a zombie- thank you so much for sharing and I’m so sorry that your journey ended that way. That must have been unimaginably painful after you’ve been through so much already and you getting to the other side and embracing your life this way gives me hope that it might be ok. Genuinely wishing you the happiest life!

OP posts:
MsPeony · 28/04/2025 20:48

I’ve had 6 collections in total; 4 transfers (early losses and chemical, and an euploid which didn’t implant). We have 4 untested embryos left, and I have been putting off the next FET. What I’m really worried about is a late miscarriage or worse, an abnormality discovered at week 12 leading to a termination.

We both agreed we wouldnt want to use donor eggs nor sperm; we’re also not cut out for adoption. My husband is supportive but he also reminded me to know when to stop (embryos banking).

I thought I would be upset; I mean I was really disappointed and devastated for a while.. I missed being pregnant. But something switched and I don’t feel like I need to fill that void anymore. My husband got me a kitten (he’s not an animal person) and I know it’s not the same but it has distracted me.

I’m still unsure what to do with the remaining embryos. I’m 43 later this year, so there’s the age factor I.e., do we want to be first time parents at this point in our lives? Do we want to deal with a teenager in our 50s?

It is true time heals. Take your time, I do believe things happen (or not) for a reason. You have one more chance and are relatively young so it might be your time. And if it’s not, you know you’ve tried.

Original poster
Dylan8523 · 28/04/2025 21:53

MsPeony · 28/04/2025 20:48

I’ve had 6 collections in total; 4 transfers (early losses and chemical, and an euploid which didn’t implant). We have 4 untested embryos left, and I have been putting off the next FET. What I’m really worried about is a late miscarriage or worse, an abnormality discovered at week 12 leading to a termination.

We both agreed we wouldnt want to use donor eggs nor sperm; we’re also not cut out for adoption. My husband is supportive but he also reminded me to know when to stop (embryos banking).

I thought I would be upset; I mean I was really disappointed and devastated for a while.. I missed being pregnant. But something switched and I don’t feel like I need to fill that void anymore. My husband got me a kitten (he’s not an animal person) and I know it’s not the same but it has distracted me.

I’m still unsure what to do with the remaining embryos. I’m 43 later this year, so there’s the age factor I.e., do we want to be first time parents at this point in our lives? Do we want to deal with a teenager in our 50s?

It is true time heals. Take your time, I do believe things happen (or not) for a reason. You have one more chance and are relatively young so it might be your time. And if it’s not, you know you’ve tried.

Thank you for your kind advice, and that’s so lovely that you’ve got a little kitten! I’ve been thinking along these lines too, being a big animal person already- I have this fantasy of moving out of the city I’m in to somewhere that I can have a little bit of land/ big garden and get some ducks and chickens. Already have a dog and cat that I adore.

You must have been so strong to get through 6 collections, it is so hard knowing when to stop ‘the next one might do it’ thought process that lots of us have. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do with your remaining embryos, I’m so glad something has switched for you with filling the void after the struggles you’ve been through. Enjoy your precious little fluff ball 😊

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