Feeling angry & fed up!

[Orangewillow]

I'm sure I'm not alone but just needed to have a vent really! For some reason it being lovely and sunny and everyone being excited about spring has made me really cranky. I guess it's feeling like time is going by and I'm still not where I want to be, while everyone else's lives are moving forward.

So far 2025 has been endless appointments and medications, 1 cancelled embryo transfer, a failed transfer, then a hysteroscopy and now waiting (always waiting) to see what happens next. I'm just so ready to not be in the trying to get pregnant phase anymore!!

Hi @Orangewillow I can totally relate. I spent most of today bawling my eyes out. Just had confirmation today that my euploid transfer has failed.

As I was coming back from the clinic there were some schoolgirls giggling and being silly and it really annoyed me, which is so not right...
I took the day of work and normally I would go to my allotment to unwind but now I might have Lyme disease from from the last time I went to the allotment (the day before my transfer!) and a tick bit me. So that hobby's gone now just when the weather is right for it!

I also had 2 births and 1 pregnancy announcements at the weekend. I found it so odd that they were all in one day that I thought surely that must be a good sign for me too. Well, no... no cosmic forces letting me know my baby was near.

I am definitely having a f*ck my life moment right now...

Has the hysteroscopy gone well or you're still waiting to hear back?

Agree - feel like my life has been on hold for years, sick of just watching it pass by while I prioritise my fertility & treatment. 3 pregnancy announcements on Mother’s Day, and I’m missing one of my best friends weddings abroad this year, not to mention lots of lovely other events I can’t travel or attend. If I knew I’d end up with a living baby it would be easier but just so many unknowns. Ive spent the best part of the last week in bed. Can’t even leave the fertility treatment alone and just hope naturally as I have a blocked tube which the nhs won’t remove and I’ve already had x2 ectopics. Don’t fancy risking my life everytime we try! Can’t even have sex at the moment! Ffs.
hope you’re ok xxx

Hi @bubu24 I'm so sorry about your transfer. Its so shit isn't it. Mine was a euploid too and we were told 60-65% chance of success so I knew there was a fair chance it wouldn't work but really hoped (for once!) to be on the right side of the statistics.

Pregnancy/birth announcements are the worst, I just want to scream at everyone to go f*ck themselves and no I am not happy for them. I keep this internal, most of the time!

Hysteroscopy was fine, it was my 3rd to remove scar tissue from a surgical TFMR and all good now, so im hoping can move ahead for another FET soon. I had thin lining issues before so I really hope it's helped! Of course it's still very fresh for you, but do you know your next steps?

@Xwx1010 it's so tough being in this limbo and not knowing if/when it will end. I'm such a planner and it's been really hard not being able to during IVF as I don't want to miss anything that would set anything back even by a week! It's been 2 years since we first started TTC now and it's just felt endless... thats so shit you can't get the blocked tube remove when it could cause a dangerous situation, esp when you've already had ectopics! So sorry. Are you undergoing IVF or other treatment currently?

@Orangewillow the process is so long it’s heartbreaking. I also keep most of my feelings to myself about everyone else’s news - but find I end up withdrawing from people and events and then feel even more isolated - so hard! People do NOT understand either.

Yes I had my first ivf cycle in Feb and successful fresh transfer - I have my scan tomorrow but I have had 5 incidents of bleeding - some of it bright red so I am preparing for loss number 4 in less than 2 years. I’m holding onto a glimmer of hope but the whole thing is just heartbreak after heartbreak xx

@Orangewillow hope your next FET comes around soon - do you have a few more in the freezer? Xx

@Xwx1010 yeah I definitely feel you on the isolation. Most of my friends have small kids, and 2 have babies that were due shortly/before after mine and I just don't want to be around them, they also don't invite me to, which I know comes from a place of sensitivity, but also makes me feel excluded. It's a no win really.

Oh no I'm sorry to hear that, so worrying for you, good luck for the scan tomorrow and will keep everything crossed. Its so terribly hard being heartbroken and having to pick yourself up time after time.

Yes luckily have more in the freezer so we are in a good position on that score! Just desperately hoping the next one works and don't need to do loads more tests/investigations. Have agreed to do a microbiome swab test but not do more Invasive and lengthy testing for now and hope it was just bad luck 1st time.

@Orangewillow same on the non invited front, they have their own group chats, holidays etc - it’s so hard - I really can relate.

thank you, feeling very sick in anticipation of tomorrow, that dreaded silence while they try and find a heartbeat is the absolute worst.

wishing you so much luck on your next transfer, I’ve been taking vaginal probiotics (orally) for the last few months (no idea if that helped) but sure you probably are already aware of all the supplements under the sun. I saw someone swear by melatonin too? That was a new one for me. Keep us posted how you get on next time - everything crossed for you x

@Orangewillow oh so sorry to hear you had to deal with a TFMR as well. That must have been so tough! I suspect it was an untested embryo?

I have a high level segmental from my first cycle (no euploids that round) and I don't think I'll use it for fear of it sticking but still having issues and having to do a TFMR at 12 weeks. The thought of that terrifies me.

My follow up with the consultant is on the 15th. I was a bit annoyed at first that that's his earliest availability, but then I'm on antibiotics for the next 3 weeks now anyway.

I've already done the EMMA/ALICE and a saline ultrasound and all was fine.
My consultant wasn't too keen on ERA. Maybe be will suggest some immunes testing. Not sure if a hysteroscopy is needed as well if the saline ultrasound was okay.

Glad to hear you have a few euploids in the freezer but anyway I hope the next one works. They say the the chances go to 80% or something with 2. So fingers crossed 🤞

@Xwx1010 sorry to hear about your tough journey too. I really hope everything turns out okay. Keeping everything crossed for you ❤️

@bubu24 you too, really hope everything works out for us all - and sooner rather than later for all our sanity!! X

@Xwx1010 really hope it's not bad news tomorrow, the anticipation must be so so hard but not long to go now until its done. Sending you lots of luck

Yeah been doing probiotic pessaries amd tablets, and millions of other supplements, hoping they are doing something! Think of reading about melatonin in it starts with the egg but haven't taken it

@bubu24 thank you, it was a very tough time. It was a natural pregnancy, we turned to IVF after TTC again for a year after the TFMR (and post a chemical) so we could do pgta testing as I was terrified of it happening again. Just really bad luck they said... I can understand your reticence to use that embryo, I don't know much about ir but are those the ones that can correct? But then the risk of a miscarriage, or a TFMR potentially is a lot to deal with. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I was almost 14 weeks along which was hard enough but have met people who had one much later. Horrific.

There seems to be a lot of mixed opinion about ERA, it seems like so much time and money to often not tell people much... I'd consider it though if 2nd transfer fails. I've done immune testing and will be on steroids as a result of that. Yeah if your ultrasound was fine then that should be all good there! Mine showed i still had scar tissue and its been a problem in the past too.