How do you deal with a family who don’t understand?

[clazbear]

Just that really. My sister had a baby in January, I really struggled throughout her pregnancy, they got pregnant on the first try and made no secret of this whereas I am 5 years in at this point with no light at the end of the tunnel. If I’m honest, I found it really unfair and struggled to see her pregnant. I asked her for time and space and she gave it to me.

We went round when he was born, bought presents etc, have seen each other at family occasions but haven’t been close. But the bit I struggle with the most is that my whole family just constantly make out like I’m being unreasonable for struggling with this, they say I can’t carry on avoiding my nephew and my sister, I can’t just pretend like this isn’t happening. I feel like they don’t understand me at all to be honest and think I am overreacting to a situation outside of my control. I don’t know how to deal with this, I thought that my family would support me through difficult times but I just feel like they think I am just being difficult and almost badge me as the ‘problem child’. I constantly get told that it’s not my sisters fault that she can have a baby and I can’t, and whilst I know this is true, I can’t help resent this kind of comment - as if somehow I deserve this.

Just looking for any advice of how to navigate this situation!

I'm assuming that none of them have experienced infertility? Because I don't think people truly understand unless they have. Although I do think people should be more sensitive. It sounds like you've been doing what you can given the situation.

Really sorry that your family seem to be insensitive about it, I'm sure you're feeling ganged up on and questioning maybe they're right - but from someone who experienced difficulties conceiving, it is incredibly hard to be around pregnant people and babies/children. There's nothing I can say to fix this but I just want you to know that your feelings are so valid. Sending you lots of love!

Unless people have been through infertility and pregnancy loss I honestly don’t think they will ever ever understand. It’s torture seeing people around you do so easily what we can’t - I totally feel for you and have felt the same around friends and family during their pregnancies.
My S had a baby after 40 yrs of saying she didn’t want kids, conceived straight away and carried to term with no issues apart from some anemia. She told me the other day ‘it was the same for them [anxiety wise] while they waited for their scan’ my jaw hit the floor. They will never know how it feels for us and it is nowhere near the same.
I think I’m currently loosing this 4th pregnancy and I don’t think anyone will ever truly understand everything this process has taken from us and how it’s changed us.
I really hope you’re time comes soon - and as PP said, you are completely valid in how you feel xx

Thank you so much for your reply @strawberrylaces12, it’s really appreciated.

No, they have not had to deal with infertility, I actually don’t know anybody in real life who has. I have tried to explain to them how I’m feeling but they just don’t understand. I have actually accepted this to a point but it’s like no one will let it go and let things lie, like they always have to say I’m not behaving in the way that they think I should - so frustrating!

@Xwx1010 thank you and I’m so sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. In some warped way, it is nice to know we are not alone, even if it is through something awful.

I actually had a very similar experience to you, my sister told me 6 months prior to being pregnant that she was very ‘on the fence’ about having children, had never been that bothered etc etc, all in the same conversation where I told her we were doing ivf and so far had no success. Then 6 months later she turned up saying she was pregnant, sailed through her pregnancy. I just feel like it’s so unfair, I think they thought I would miraculously be fine once the baby was here, and whilst it is slightly easier, it’s still very hard when someone else has got exactly what you want (and didn’t even want it previously!). And not only that but thinks somehow you are in the same situation. You are totally right that no one understands unless they’ve been through it!

@clazbear thank you and sending you a huge hug x

It’s a really difficult situation. I’m your sister in this instance only I also had fertility treatment, it’s really painful to get what we wanted whilst my sister is still on the journey. I do think your feelings should be prioritised. How is your sister towards you? As it is something that should be between the two of you without the rest of the family passing comment. On the flip side, your sister has just had her first baby which feels like the biggest event in her life so she may be struggling to keep a lid on it. I’m sorry OP and hope you have success soon xx

That’s almost exactly my situation with my family. My sister has always been the "golden child," and there were times when I really needed my family’s support, but they weren’t there for me. A few months ago, I found out they had been keeping things from me—supporting my sister and her kids even more than I expected. That was the moment I decided to set some boundaries and limit our contact. Right now, I just need time to focus on my own life and work toward my dreams. My parents have tried to explain their side, but I’m still not ready to be open with them. To be honest, I’m also afraid of being in a negative situation again. Maybe one day, when I feel more at peace with my own life, I’ll try to rebuild our relationship. But for now, I need this distance. Whatever decision you make, it should be one that feels right for you. Your family has every right to see things differently, but you also have the right to do what’s best for your well-being.