Egg Donation

[ivfjourneyandme]

Hey all,

I am hopefully jumping the gun but after a disastrous failed first round and today’s EC not going to plan - I am pretty sure tomorrow I will be faced with the news of total failed fertilisation again.

Has anyone used or considered egg donors? I’m worried I wouldn’t bond with the baby?

Thanks

Hello @ivfjourneyandme, sorry to hear your EC didn't go well... I was so hoping you'll have good luck this time! Was the egg numer low, or are you just not optimistic that the ICSI will be successful? Fingers crossed you'll get good news tomorrow.

However, regarding your question, I'm in a similar situation now. We'll go ahead with the second OE IVF cycle as it's already paid for, but I'm not optimistic, after the outcome of the February one. Consultant confirmed we have approx 5-10% chance. Not nothing, but all I can think is the 90-95% chance we'll not be successful. And so, Donor eggs.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and we're committed to try donor eggs asap if the second cycle fails.
I've also worried about bonding with the donor conceived child, but now came to the conclusion that there's no way I wouldn't love a child I've carried, birthed, and nursed. So feel much better on that front.

I still have qualms, but now they seem to be more centered on the potential child's perspective: struggling to figure out if we're not setting them up to be unhappy about their identity in the future (as due to long UK waiting times we'll most likely go ahead with anonymous donor IVF abroad).

I've found donor conception network very helpful in sorting through my worries: https://dcnetwork.org/. Also this blog / website has great resources, specifically for donor egg recipients: https://definingmum.com/

I'd say today just rest and be kind to yourself and your OH, you don't have to decide anything in a hurry. This journey is so hard and heartbreaking, and today you had a gruelling day, after a very long cycle (I remember you beginning downreg, that was ages ago!). All the best ❤️‍🩹

@Happibara thank you for sharing all of that. Very helpful.

It was indeed a long cycle, 44 injections over 32 days all in all. I got 7 eggs at collection which I was gobsmacked about as was told 2-4 the day before based on scan. I was warned they thought I’d have a high rate of immature eggs so I rang earlier and they confirmed out of those 7, only 3 were mature. All were successfully injected with sperm and now in a medium for artificial oocyte activation.

I am somewhat dreading the phone call. I feel it will be like last cycle with total failed fertilisation and I currently see no way out of feeling this low.

Sending hugs to you too x

Hey, just to say I’m about to start our 3rd round of ivf with very very low ovarian response. First two were nhs but I only made one egg so they’ve suggested egg donation. I’m probably going to age out of nhs funding for DE as I’m now 39. We’re doing a 3 cycle low stims OE package, and then I’ll give up on my own eggs. We have implications councelling booked in for donor egg conception. I’m not worried about bonding with the baby as I know it’s in my nature to love children, but I’m with @Happibarain being concerned about how the child would feel about it. It truly is a heartbreaking journey. If it helps with your worries, I was told by a family member that her child (who was DE conceived) is truly her child, that if she could be offered the chance to have a child with her own eggs now she wouldn’t take it as she loves her child so much and is so strongly bonded with them. I found it a beautiful thing to know.

But anyway, 3 fertilised eggs is great! I wish you the best of luck with this round.

Two things have made considering this as a backup option less upsetting to me:

• While watching an old home video of my partner when he was 3 years old I thought no way I wouldn't love a version of that little guy.

• It may seem a weird comparison but a stray cat basically appeared at our window and asked to be adopted. Not one we would have chosen if deciding from scratch. However he is hilarious and now very much part of our gang/ daily lives. Wouldn't swap him for the most adorable kitten. Any child you have will be 100% part of your gang and all the ways you as a family find joy.

The part I'd need to do more thought on is the ethics from the perspective of the child.

Hello. Not exactly the same but just wanted to offer some reassurance, we are a same sex couple and our first daughter is my wife’s egg and I recently gave birth following IVF with my own egg. In all honesty, from birth I felt so connected to my daughter who I am not biologically related to. When my baby was born I loved her but it took me a little longer to feel bonded to her. I’m not sure why, maybe it was the addition of the post partum hormones for me. But just wanted to say, biology doesn’t always mean a guaranteed bond! Your baby will be your baby irrespective of how you get there. Good luck which ever path you find yourself on!

Last year, I read the story of an egg donor who donated multiple times and was happy to help couples. She mentioned that the decision was difficult for her, especially since she had two children of her own. Apart from her husband, none of her friends or family supported her. To ensure she was making the right choice, she had three long sessions with a psychologist to determine if she was truly ready. Egg donation is not an easy decision, but most IVF clinics have psychologists available to discuss any concerns you may have. If you're wondering whether the baby will resemble you, you might find this article helpful: https://www.eggdonationfriends.com/will-baby-look-like-me-donor-egg-concerns/

We had a meeting with our nhs clinic’s councillor this week for implications councelling (attended as a couple). It was actually such a great space to go through everything I’ve been thinking about for a few years, I realised one of my main worries (other than how any child might feel, though I’d be there to help them navigate that) was about the donor, if they were truly ready to do it, if it would affect them badly. We’ve got a couple of possible known donors and I was concerned how it might affect them. Councillor said that they actually have to attend a few meetings to discuss every aspect of the process and every potential outcome. It feels good to openly address the deeper fears you have that you haven’t yet articulated. Could you ask for an appointment with your clinics councellor?

Did you doctors tell you to move on to egg donation? The nhs said that was my best bet, and we were due to put a down payment on one last try of ivf (private this time) with my own eggs (at a clinic for diminished ovarian reserve) and out of the blue I got a positive pregnancy test. I’m keeping my mind open that my eggs still might be too poor to make a healthy pregnancy, but I just wanted to give you that hope that at what seems like the end of the line there is still reason to hope.

Hi everyone, just wondered how you were all getting on and if anyone had made the decision to move forward with DE?

Hello. An update from us can be summed up by "it's complicated"...typical with IVF 😅! Our second round in May was unsuccessful which did not come as a suprise. Numbers were worse (here we partly blame the clinical decisions), with BFN fresh transfer and nothing to freeze.

We decided we would go ahead with donor eggs, and due to waiting times in the UK, and our loss of confidence in our clinic, we'll proceed on the continent.

Fast forward one month spent awaiting our clinical records, and now we have chosen the clinic and are in an early consultation stage.

Unexpectedly though, during our initial talk the consultant said they aren't entirely convinced we could not be successful with own eggs. Said they will review the records, and that we'll both have to undergo the initial fertility testing anyway... but it may turn out that afterwards they will encourage us to go ahead with own eggs again, before focusing on donor egg route.

Honestly I don't know what to think. Is it a ploy to just make us spend more? On the other hand they can't recommend anything that their clinical statistics don't support. Also this may be a false hope and after tests they'll just say donor eggs are the only way. I keep thinking about it but have no clarity.

I suppose we'll wait for the consultation and then decide. And annoyingly that can't even happen until August or even September 😱 My IVF protocol included Prostap, and now I need to wait for my cycle to re-establish itself before any tests.

Personally I'm finding this new uncertainty hard. When initially approaching the clinic I was confident about the plan and that was a relief. Not sure if I even want to invite all this hope and heartache again.

Meanwhile my partner is convinced we should try with own eggs again if possible (there's a lot to unpack there, but it's not about resistance to donor eggs, rather he's very disappointed in how the second cycle in the UK was managed and badly wants a do-over).

Long answer shows it's still complicated 🤣 I expect we'll know more in a month.

Best of luck to all of you, hope you're in a good place on your journey!

Wow, that is quite an update!
Thats such a curveball for them to say they weren’t convinced you couldn’t be successful with own eggs - especially with what it takes to get your head around moving forward with donor and like you say the almost relief that this brings - this must be very confusing for you and with the additional waiting times also, completely understand you not wanting to put yourself through the heartbreak again, and there’s the financial implications 😔

We went for a second opinion but they have 2% chance with OE so that confirmed our decision, however had they given us more hope then it is likely we would have tried again.
Try to take July as your chance to take some time out but i know you can’t not think about it 24/7 …..x