He's no longer sure about going ahead.. go it alone?

[keyboardwars]

NC for this as I don't want other posts linked.

In a nutshell, I have extremely low AMH (less than 1 pmol 4 years ago.. not had it tested since). I've also had some perimenopause symptoms but I do appear to be ovulating regularly. I'm 38.

Based on ages, we began the process for IVF as we wanted to test any embryos we can get. We were not quite "there" yet for having a baby but he knew the fertility issues I had and got to the point (almost 2yrs together) of not wanting to waste time so thought we'd try to bank some embryos to hopefully buy us some time. We have not been trying naturally to conceive yet for these reasons.

Now he's saying he's not sure he's ready to even start to try to create an embryo together as he thinks now (his female friends apparently telling him how I would feel!) that if we created an embryo and he wasn't ready to move forward then I'd be devastated/begging him to use it and that would be a difficult position to be in.

Ofc I want a baby with him. But I knew we were going in to this "not ready" to hopefully buy some time and knowing we might not get to use any embryos we created. I do NOT feel ready or willing to consider a sperm donor at this stage. Perhaps in a few years if we did break up and I didn't meet anyone else...

I'm aware frozen eggs at 38 are no guarantee of a baby. Tbh considering it all, I'd rather at least try one cycle together and see if we get an embryo (therefore indicating that my eggs might still be ok) and then after that I could do some frozen eggs cycles if he is still not in the position to move forward..

Any advice or thoughts? I'm so frustrated and thrown by his decision now.. we've had all the beginning tests and consultations and now he's suddenly not sure when it comes to start booking things :(

Despite your low AMH, at 38 you are still in the game. If he is unprepared to proceed then I urge you to reconsider embryo creation with donor sperm. Never mind that you aren't ready to consider this now - 41 year old you may be facing otherwise using donor eggs AND donor sperm, and be eternally grateful to current you.

If you can afford it I'd suggest a 3 round package. One with eggs, one with embryos and the third dependent on the results of the first two.

Hi, I think given your AMH you should get on with freezing something whether it’s eggs or embryos. I had an AMH of 2.4 at age 31 and had 2 rounds with just 5 eggs and 2 cancelled rounds, so getting a decent amount of eggs banked can take time.

Given the success rates vs age, I think the advice is that you’d need to bank up to 30 frozen eggs to have a 75%+ chance of success. Different websites have different numbers though so it’s all a bit vague.

good luck!

Do not create embryos with someone who isn’t ready. After two years, you really shouldn’t be with someone who isn’t ready. Apologies if this is judgemental or harsh.

They will sign a consent form that talks about if he/you have the right to use embryos if you break up or one of you dies. So if he isn’t sure now, he will most likely not want or consent later. As the previous post said, create embryos with a donor. Getting pregnant via ivf at 38 is very hard and the chance is about 14%. This is what I was told and I had no known issues and all of my numbers and egg quantities were excellent. I started at 38. Took 2 years of ivf to conceive at the age of 40. If you do decide to freeze eggs, do at least 3 egg collections. But mind you that when you create embryos, doctors can alter medicine based on the outcomes. With egg freezing you will have no idea if your eggs can even produce an embryo.

@contentsmayb Out of interest, do you recall if it's possible to say "yes" to if the other person can use the embryos if we break up? I mean, clearly he wouldn't say yes ha...but I'm just interested/intrigued. I know what you're saying though...

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm thinking on insisting we go forward together for at least one cycle (or ofc break up if he refuses) and then we see if we create any embryos and then reassess before the other 2 cycles. I guess then if we've managed to create an embryo we know my eggs are ok? And then if he's still wavering I just go ahead with the next 2 cycles on my own freezing my eggs.

I do take on board the points re doing something now either way and embryos being better. I guess if he's not ready to go ahead with anything then maybe I do the same as above but with a sperm donor?

Ugh I can't believe he's wavering now.. I guess better to know now than after all 3 cycles and no options left for me without forking out a tonne more money... :(

Yes, he can say yes on the form.

Also just because you created embryos, doesn’t mean that they will implant and result in a baby. Usually it takes several heartbreaking attempts. It’s something that I was entirely unaware before I started and wish someone just told me. I thought that ivf was my security blanket. In reality it can be a lengthy lengthy process. Your eggs might as well be fine. But age odds are very much against you I am sorry to say 😩

I would also just ask your partner if he wants to have children with you in general. I don’t think unsure or not right now is an appropriate answer at this age. 🙁🙁

@keyboardwars it is important to try and get your partner to understand that the choice isn't between trying for embryos now vs in a few years. It is a choice between trying for embryos now vs never having children together.

This is harder for men to get to grips with because 38 is still young these days and they don't have the same awareness about fertility limitations (as not themselves physically affected in the same way). He isn't going to know what AMH is so spell out that your level means absolutely right now or never.

Success over 40 usually relies on upper 10th of the population fertility or scratchcard winner luck. Not something to bank on.

@keyboardwars I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. It must have come as an absolute shock and you're probably in a state of disbelief and not wanting to accept what is happening. I would suggest you give it some time and let this sink in before making any decisions around IVF. I suspect you'll look back and think 'thank god I didn't push him on this'.

He will probably see your suggestion of 'let's just do one cycle just so I know my eggs can create embryos but we don't actually have to use them' as a manipulation tactic. If that was the goal, you could achieve it with donor sperm too. Besides, it's very unlikely your eggs can't create embryos, it's more that you won't get many given the low AMH, so even more reason not to waste them on making embryos you might not be able to use.

You really want a baby with him and he is right in saying that it would be very heart-breaking for you if you did create embryos and he didn't allow those to be used... Whatever his reasons are for not wanting to go through with this, he is doing the right thing by telling you about it now. You two now need to discuss what this means for your relationship. It's no longer 'I'm not ready yet', it's 'I might never want to do it', as surely he understands embryos can be frozen for years... Ask him to be honest with you as no one deserves to be strung along like this.

In your situation, as hard as it is, I really wouldn't put your chances of being a biological mother in the hands of a hesitant partner. He could change his mind about using the embryos, you could break up - and then your chances would be even lower. Is he more important than being a mother, is what I would ask myself.

I think you should make embryos with a donor. If your current partner becomes enthusiastic you may never need to use them. But imagine in a couple years if you are single and haven't got any frozen eggs or embryos completely in your control - that could be heartbreaking

I would suggest not going forward in making embryos with your current partner. In a round about way he is telling you he does not want children and this should not be forced on him. In all honesty you have only been together 2 yrs so not a very long time and IVF is a hard journey, even couples who have been together for years can struggle through it. My advice would be to go through ivf on your own and at minimal bank your eggs, as many as you can and when your ready you may have to find yourself donor sperm because there is a huge chance your partner currently might not stick around and support you once you start treatment.

In your position I would bank embryos with donor sperm. You may never need to use them but at the moment he sounds just too hesitant. My AMH was 2.0 pmol and it took several rounds of IVF to have my child as unfortunately didn't produce many eggs each time. I was 37 when I started.

I echo what PPs have said - you need to consider that he isn't just saying "not right now" to IVF, he's essentially saying he might not, or even does not, want children at all. You seem frustrated by the advice his female friends have given him about you being heartbroken if you successfully created an embryo and then he refused to consent to using it straight away. I don't think they're wrong! Not only is it highly likely you'll be heartbroken (and resentful, by which point the relationship will likely end anyway), by the time you get to that point, the odds will be further stacked against you in terms of being successful in creating new embryos with a donor. He's being honest with you and to be blunt, you're not listening to him.

If you were 10 or even 5 years younger and he wanted to wait a bit longer, fine, but time is not on your side now. I say this as someone who is your age and pregnant with my first via IVF in September. In my case I was lucky and it worked first time. But it didn't happen overnight. I had nearly a year of consultations first because they weren't sure of the cause of my infertility, and I had to have lots of tests to work out the right protocol for my body. I got the go ahead for IVF n February 2024 but the protocol still didn't start until September because it had to be planned around other things (it also ended up being further delayed because of an unrelated medical incident).

If you are absolutely adamant that you want children, you need to tell him waiting is biologically not an option for you. But you can't insist he does it, he needs autonomy too. You're not just asking him for sperm, you're asking him for a minimum of 18 years of financial commitment and the rest of his life in raising a child and supporting them in adulthood. It's not just about planning a baby here, it's changing your whole life. If he says no, you need to explain in no uncertain terms that it's a deal breaker for you, cut your losses, and progress with donor sperm.

thank you all for taking the time to reply..

I know you're all right and I think realistically I need to end the relationship if he's not ready and willing to go ahead. If he's loves me and wants children with me even one day, or even if he's almost sure he wants them, then it's got to go ahead. I think his reluctance is telling.

I'm not sure how I'll cope with a break up on top of all the fears about my fertility, if I'll ever find someone else, and possibly making the decision to go ahead with freezing embryos with a sperm donor but I guess I've got to just try. :( The Dr said that at my age 60% of my eggs are normal still and by age 40 it's dropped to 40%.. I'm 38.5 so time is against me here so I guess I'll have to find a way to keep going..

Relationships come and go. The biggest regret in life is wasting your time. Wishing you the best ❤️

I think if I was you I'd freeze my eggs and not create any embryos. You may meet a new partner and want to have a baby with them instead, or, if you and your current partner are both not ready, it buys you both time together. But don't create embryos with a man who isn't sure he wants them as he may block you from using them in the future and you will have wasted money and eggs and probably be even more heartbroken that there are potential babies you can't even try to have. I personally wouldn't use a sperm donor if you are planning to split up as you may meet a new partner and want to use the eggs with them.

Good luck, sounds very tough. X

@OneWaryCat eggs aren't as good at surviving the freeze/ thaw. Plus their ability to be fertilised/ developmental comptence would be untested. There would be far less chance of success.

The OP is also unlikely to retrieve more than a couple of eggs per round because of AMH level/ DOR, which would make that route more challenging.

Update: We've broken up as he's not ready to go ahead. Now I have to get through this horrible break up and decide what to do next... I think I'm going to try to freeze embryos with a sperm donor - if it seems to work for one or two rounds then maybe I'll freeze some eggs too. I'm not ready to go it alone entirely but at least that'll hopefully give me the option to do so in year or two if I've not met anyone? God this is all so heartbreaking :(

@keyboardwars I am really sorry to hear this. Wishing you all the best with your IVF journey x

good for you for taking the courage to go through with this! The right person will turn up! You are choosing yourself as a priority which what you should he doing! Proud of you! ❤️ looking back, when time passes, a break up won’t seem that terrible and you will be much happier.

thank you so much for this.. one of my friends has said something similar but it's so hard right now.. I have to hope it works out :'( but even if not, I'll always regret not trying and staying with him I think...