TTC envy

[TTChopefull]

Hi,
Never posted on anything like this before but guess I just needed to off load.

Long post alert!

So me and my friend both have PCOS, and have both been married for 8+ years. Both wanting children and both struggling with weight (the joys of metabolism issues!) So neither were on any kind of fertility treatment.

My friend has now found out she is pregnant, and whilst I am absolutely over the moon for her, I just can't shake the jealousy and just feel like it will never happen for me. Then I feel like such an awful person for feeling that way.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and does this horrible feeling of jealousy then guilt go away?

Feeling very sad with no one to talk to :(

I’m currently on my 2nd cycle of IVF. During the first, failed cycle - my sister gave birth to her third child. She can conceive SO easily. Don’t get me wrong, I love my nephews but it hurts so bad.

My IVF buddy has just got her BFP too and again, I could not be happier for her, but the jealously and feeling it’s unfair is real

God yes! It is so difficult. A friend who started trying after us now has a 3 month old. Strangely I've found it easier since the baby is here but it has changed our friendship as I really distanced myself for my own mental health. I made up an excuse that I couldn't make her baby shower.

Do what you need to do for your mental health.

One thing I've learnt - it isn't fair! stomps feet

Sending lots of love and sympathy.

Before I go into my story, know that’s your thoughts and feelings are completely valid.

We have been trying since January 2022. In August 2023 (after 20 months of trying), my sister announced she was expecting her second child. It hit me hard especially as he was unplanned (as was her first). As PP said, she seems to fall pregnant easily.

I struggled for ages and couldn’t bring myself to go to the baby shower. Even when he was born but now (he’s just had his first birthday) I no longer struggle.

The real thing I personally struggle with is seeing people I know have 2 babies, after my daughter was born. My husbands best friend is due their second any day now. Their first only turned 2 in December.

How have they had two babies in the time we’ve been trying and we can’t have one.

I get upset seeing the age gap growing too. My daughter is shortly turning 5 and that gap already feels too big 😔

Oh yes @TTChopefull i know that feeling well! Sometimes I’d say it goes into full on rage/distress depending on the timing of the info and how I’m feeling. I’ve been trying for a few years now and friends have had 3 children in that time. An (ex) IVF buddy totally changed when she got pregnant and inexplicably started sending me scan photos and pregnant lady/bean emojis in her messages!

Your feelings are totally normal - a fertility counsellor once said to me that it’s more rare she sees someone who doesn’t feel that way. She said it’s our ‘thwarted maternal drive’ being triggered, and the anger we get at others doing what we (seemingly) can’t do drives us to ‘try harder’ eg. Do IVF, increase our efforts, which the maternal drive wants us to do. So it’s a useful anger in a way, evolutionarily. I found this explanation helpful as it takes a bit of emotion out of it and makes me feel like it’s not me being a bad person, it’s just a very strong basic instinct.

I saw you also asked will it get better, I think some days it’s better than others for some reason. I find it’s always stayed there but you get better at being kind to yourself and looking after yourself when it hits, and picking yourself back up. Eg. Don’t feel bad about excusing yourself, take yourself off for a treat, put your headphones in at work if baby talk happening etc.

Sending hugs and know that you’re not alone! X

@ivfjourneyandme
Sending you lots of baby dust 💫
I always remember someone saying to me I am happy for them but sad for me. And that's so true.. its the jealousy I struggle with as I feel guilty for being jealous.

Fingers crossed you will get your BFP

@HM2024
I am totally with you!
I have distanced myself from all my other friends who have had children over the years (hence why I don't have many friends) but this friend has been in my life since we were 5 and we're mid 30s now, plus we live soo close there is no way of escape which is why I may have found this one so hard!

Sending lots of baby dust to you 💫 xx

@HopelessGsyGirl
Thank you for sharing your story.. it must be so difficult 😫 it's the jealousy that I beat my self up over. Everyone says it will happen when it's meant to, but at 36 my biological clock is ticking louder than ever 😑

Sending baby dust to you 💫 xx

@LimeBird
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Wow your (ex) IVF buddy sounds very insensitive. Sending hugs!

And thank you for the words from your fertility councillor.
And for opening up on your feelings, I felt very distressed and angry this time too.
As although she is my friend and I love her dearly, my life is so much more put together and I am worried she is going to struggle with the baby which will then fall on me (the way our friendship works she is more like my little sister) and I am not sure I could cope with the feelings of jealousy and trying to help. My head is just all over the place.

Sending baby dust 💫 xx