Advice regarding pregnant friend

[ICG1988]

I was wondering if anyone has some advice or has been through a similar situation. I have been TTC for 5 years now, had multiple failed IVFs and a few losses. Recently my friend announced her pregnancy and im really really struggling with it. I started off this year with such a positive attitude and mindset about TTC and set a plan in place to enjoy a few holidays and then possibly start another IVF round. Since my friends announcement I feel like everything has gone to pot, im desperate now more than ever to get pregnant and basically forcing my DH to DTD even though I can tell in his face he is hating every second of it.

I feel as though our friendship will never be the same now unless I get pregnant soon too. Her DH has never been keen on the idea of having children (he was very vocal about this only last year) and I knew she suffered with some issues herself which meant that if she did want a child it could be difficult to conceive anyway. So when they told us they 'weren't even trying' it felt like a punch to my gut. And he didn't sound overly excited when they were telling us which makes me wonder if he's even happy about it at all.

In a way I always thought that if I never have a baby at least I have a 'couple friends' who are also childless and we can enjoy child free hols and activities together etc. But this has all been ripped away now. A holiday we had planned together is coming up soon and I was so excited about this but now I'm absolutely dreading it, I don't want to go on holiday and be staring at a huge baby bump every day of the holiday. I go on holiday to get away from all this, purposely choosing adult only hotels etc.

My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable and thinks I should be happy and supportive towards them and he would be fuming if we didn't go on this planned holiday. I'm just feeling dread and obsessive again now about being pregnant and I absolutely hate it :(

Hi @ICG1988 you're absolutely not alone in feeling like this, I would be the exact same as you and not want to go on the holiday or be around the friend. It is such a gut punch when it seems to come so easily to others when you are trying so so hard!

I've had to distance myself from pregnant friends or those with small babies, I can't feel truly happy for them. I wish them well, but I can't summon any enthusiasm or put a face on and I'm not willing to force myself to!

I really really hope it works out for us soon and over time my friendships with those friends will repair but right now I've just got to protect myself and my feelings in such a hard situation. Sending lots of love, it's really tough, and men (often) don't seem to feel it in the same way unfortunately xx

Hi OP, I can understand how you feel in regards to your friend's pregnancy announcement. It is truly shit. I have had 5 announcements from friends in the space of a few weeks including one of our closest friends and it has felt like a punch in the gut everytime after a loss last year. My husband is the same and can't understand why I can't just be happy for them and keeps saying "our time will come.." which im sick of hearing! Does your friend know about your ttc journey? She may be mindful about speaking about her pregnancy and focus on other topics of conversation. Depending on where you're going you could book a couple of excursions she may not want to do (e.g wine tasting or a climb up a mountain lol) with your husband to enjoy some time togther to break the holiday up a bit x

echo other posters - you are not alone in this. Every time I see an announcement I loose my mind and disconnect from everyone for a while, it’s heartbreaking. I’ve also had to distance myself from friends - and being around a big bump on holiday would be agony, I couldn’t do it. From the outside people think it’s easy to be happy for someone but it’s just a constant reminder what we can’t do and having to put on a brave face is exhausting.

Hey @ICG1988 i echo what others have replied with, it is so so tough and all I can say is do what you need to do to protect yourself and your wellbeing, if she is a true friend she will understand.
Since we started TTC I have several friends who have got pregnant and given birth and although I am happy for them, it hurts. On top of that one of my best friends is also now pregnant after just a few months of trying, and I am particularly struggling with her because each time I have seen her since, she literally speaks non stop about the pregnancy, somehow managing to steer every conversation to that topic! She knows in detail my struggles and our recent failed ivf, and I previously complained to her how I struggled with certain friends being so inconsiderate, so for now I am going to distance myself and just look after myself.
we need to surround ourselves with people who make us feel good, this is such a mentally draining time, don’t feel bad and just look out for yourself ❤️

So so tough, but how you feel is so normal and totally reasonable, I’ve felt so similar over the years. Honestly I’m pretty sure in your exact circumstance I’d have had to cancel the holiday and explain to my friend why. I have had to cancel/avoid people many times in similar situations over the years of TTC/IVF.

Your DH needs a reality check on how mentally brutal this is, especially for women who have to go through the physical as well as mental side. Show him this thread if you want to! There are so many threads like this on mumsnet, so it is absolutely NOT unreasonable to feel like you do, it’s actually very normal. You need to look after yourself first and so does your DH, then you can think about supporting your friends IF you think that’s possible without doing harm to yourself.

Take care!

I didn't expect so many replies, thankyou everyone it means a lot. I'm trying not to feel guilty for feeling so envious I'm not a jealous person at all usually. I consider myself fortunate in many other ways and try and be grateful for everything I do already have in life I just wish I could get back in the mindset I had at the start of the year before all this came about

Just to add I don't think she knows the extent of what I've been through over the last 5 years only of my most recent miscarriage in September. I had told a select few friends of our fertility journey but wanted to keep it separate from other friends too (not all in the same circle you see) just because the people we have told always seem to ask how we're getting on (well meaning) like every time we see them expecting a update. I could be having a really good day and they bring it up in conversation when you're out having a good time trying to forget about it all. Its nice to have friends that don't know about it too if that makes sense!

You’re definitely not alone! It seems to be the time at the minute where everyone is announcing pregnancies. To the point I’ve removed myself off of social media because my heart can’t see any more. Infertility is such a lonely journey and a lot of people on the outside don’t seem to understand it until sometimes they’re in that position themselves. My partner was very similar but he’s started seeing the impact now and every time there’s an announcement he gives me a look as if to say I’m so sorry. Sometimes he may even go and buy me some chocolate 😂I’ve found he’s understood more since I’ve been completely honest with him. Every feeling and every emotion, I've let him see it. So he has seen me at my very lowest and I think it shocked him. But you’re definitely not alone x