How supportive is your partner through this?

[CloudyIvy55]

I should start by saying I love my bf very much! We've been together since we were teenagers. His laid back, easy going attitude was the perfect balance to my hyper anxious, 100mph type personality. He really helped me to not sweat the small stuff and I loved that about him.

Fast forward to now, we are 2.5 years TTC with one miscarriage in that time. After the miscarriage which was early in on TTC he was amazing. I took it really hard and he was so patient and understanding. Now, 2 years later, his laid back, go with the flow attitude, just isn't doing it for me. Now I see it for what it really is - someone unable to express their emotions or talk through difficult situations. We are facing IVF in the next couple of months and I'm starting to feel more and more alone. Today he came home to me crying on the sofa (came on my period today). He kissed me on the head and sat down next to me scrolling on his phone...not one word. I was so upset and angry.

Guess there's no real question here, just a rant and wondering if there's anyone out there with some words of advice?

It's so hard, and I guess everyone has a different way of dealing with things. I suppose maybe he doesn't know how to support you in this situation? It might be best to have a discussion with him and telling him what kind of support you need from him.

I hope things get a bit easier for you sooner. Is there anyone else you can also speak to about things? Hopefully that will make you feel less lonely x

Thank you so much for replying. Yes I think a conversation is definitely needed, not sure that's going to be easy.

It's the first time in our relationship I've ever had doubts or worries so I guess that's pretty unsettling at a time when I need to be settled so I can focus on the IVF.

I don't really have anyone in real life I can talk to hence the posting on here.

Thanks again x

Firstly, I’m very sorry for your loss ❤️

Fertility struggles are incredibly hard & very testing for the strongest of relationships. My husband & I also deal with things very differently (he’s very laid back whereas I’m definitely more ‘type a’!) and it hasn’t been easy at all.

If you can afford it, I would really recommend counselling - my husband & I have both (separately) had counselling and it has helped us both as individuals and as a couple. Family & friends can be a great support, but they are not professionals & often don’t know how to help.

Wishing you all the very best for your journey x

Omg my DH did the same to me last week I was devastated after hearing a close friend surprise pregnancy, bawling my eyes out and he's rubbing my back whilst scrolling on his phone!!! I was fuming and it just made me so much more upset. I've had multiple losses over the last few years and multiple failed IVFs and it's got to the point where hes saying he wishes we never started trying for children now and would be happy to draw a line under it, his laid back attitude really gets me down as I don't think he would be bothered either way if we have a child or not. He didn't see the losses as huge deal as "'they were just cells' not really a baby." (All losses were 6 weeks and below). Sometimes wonder If I'm doing it with the right person tbh!

@PinaColadaJ

Thank you for your reply!

Yes, counselling is something I've thought about but never managed to take the plunge and start. It definitely feels scary to me! I don't think my partner would be open to counselling, but maybe just going alone would help me process what's going on and also help me when talking to my bf about what I need from him.

I put it off for years & really wish I’d started sooner. I was always worried that I wouldn’t know what to say or that they would think I was totally insane, but they are professionals & very good at their job ❤️

@SparkyLauz

Hi, I'm so sorry. That all sounds incredibly tough!!

I do wonder sometimes if men don't feel the need for children so deeply and struggle to understand how heartbreaking and all consuming TTC can be for us women - or if that's an unfair, sweeping generalisation.

Just know that I can totally relate to the feelings you've expressed in your post and wish you the best!

Hi op @CloudyIvy55 just another voice to say here that compared to me my husband seems pretty laid back about the IVF we've done too.

The reason I want to add my voice is becuase I don't think this is a DH or partner problem. It's just really really really hard for anyone female or male to know the right thing to say to someone going through fertility struggles. Obv the men/partners also want the DC but it's not their bodies 'failing' them so it's not the same sort of pain. Infertility is like your own body betraying you and failing you and you have lost control and it's not a pain like any other. It's great if people can be nice but it's unrealistic to expect someone else to really 'get it'. You have to experience it to understand.

Like pp said if you need this sort of validation (and to some extent all of us going through ivf do) get a professional to help you. Your partner can not be expected to be a professional therapist/ Councillor.

Anyway listen I wish you much sucsess with your journey to becoming a mum. Infertility is brutal and I hope you can get the help and support you need with this.

@Cherryblossom90

Hi, thank you for your reply.

There's definitely been times when I've wondered if I'm expecting too much from him, and maybe I am. I completely understand that he doesn't know what to say or do and that he's doing his best to navigate this crap situation, just like I am.

I guess we've just never faced something so intense before. His laid back, 'everything will be fine' approach to life always worked when the problems we faced before were so minor in comparison to this.

Your right about the counselling - I will definitely look into it again. It's just such a massive financial expense when we are saving for IVF.

Thanks again

I really get it, my husband is also the happy go lucky type that sees the positive in everything! At time in annoys me so much! But in the overall picture it is better both of us arnt falling apart during the really intense parts of IVF becuase life goes on and I'm grateful he has the head space to keep on dealing with the 'admin' of life and the 'social niceties' of life. He basically has taken over all the stressful stuff because he's not as stressed, if that makes sense. I think our life would fall apart if both me and DH were overwhelmed by stress like I have been during parts of IVF journey. Im glad he is more 'chilled' and therefore able to pick up the slack. So pro's and con's?

@Cherryblossom90

You're totally right. Maybe I don't need him to 'match' my level of stress and upset because if he did, we would both be a total mess!!!

I guess today, I just wanted something more than a quick kiss on the head - it just sent my mind spiralling into a place of 'he doesn't care at all!'

His laid-back attitude also means that generally, I manage the admin and jobs that keep our house and lives running, but maybe as we approach IVF, I can give him some of the jobs I do. It could help me feel less stressed and also give him a practical way to be helpful - as I'm sure he feels pretty lost on what to do right now.

Thanks again - your reply actually really helped flip my thinking x

@CloudyIvy55
I'm going through exactly the same thing and I understand and feel your pain. My husband and I have just started IVF treatment and just finished taking the norethisterone pills and they are making me feel crazy emotional. I'm already an extremely anxious person and I've cried so much and my husband just sits there waiting for me to tell him what to do to make me feel better. Then I get more angry and he gets annoyed at me for being emotional.
This last week I have questioned whether this is the right thing to do but I know it's just the hormones.
My husband really does care, he just doesn't show it sometimes in the way I need him to.
I hope that you are ok and I'm sure your partner cares to, just has difficulty showing it and completely understanding what your body is going through and if you need someone to talk to, just send me a message 😊 xx