I am feeling increasingly hopeless that we will ever get to bring our baby home. I know it sounds dramatic but need to share my thoughts with someone. I have many friends and family members I could speak to but when I do I see the pain it causes them to see me in distress and so I tend to keep it to myself.
We started our TTC journey in summer 2022 and like so many other couples believed it would just happen easily. We did eventually get pregnant naturally in December 2023, which in the grand scheme of things isnt long at all and i know how lucky we were. My pregnancy was perfect- low risk and our little boy was growing healthily. We were the happiest we have ever been. Our son would be the first grandchild and niece/nephew on both sides, our families were over the moon. At 22 weeks, I had some back pain and pink discharge so went to the hospital for a check up. I was told I was 5cm dilated and transferred to a tier 1 hospital. I had magnesium sulphate and steroid injections but it was too late for a cervical stitch. I was on bed rest for a week in the serenity suite, a room for women who aren't expected to give birth to a live baby.
Our beautiful boy, Arthur was born exactly a week after at 23 weeks gestation. He was 600g and 30cm long which was far bigger than the doctors had predicted. He was rushed to neonatal unit and we sat with him all day and night. He was so strong and fought so very hard, we couldn't be prouder of our son. Against all odds, Arthur lived for 5 days and died in our arms on 4th May 2024. This is a pain no one can prepare you for. We returned home that might with empty arms and broken hearts.
The consultants do not why this happened and have told me that we will likely never know. They cleared us to start trying again in August. Despite trying hard to remain positive and do everything possible to get pregnant, each month that we aren't pregnant my heart breaks a little more. We have so much love to give and so desperately want to bring our baby home.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to talk about the spotting I been experiencing each month from CD 17 onwards, I suspect I have low progestrone. And now my husband is going through some severe health issues which are causing erectile issues. He knows how desperate I am so don't want to keep talking about it to him and making him feel worse as he already is blaming himself. It is no ones fault, just terrible luck.
I don't really know what to do next. We won't be eligible for IVF on NHS I don't believe as technically we are able to get pregnant and would really struggle to afford it ourselves right now. I have been trying to keep my stress levels low through yoga, meditation and accupuncture. We both take prenatal vitamins. For a time I was tracking ovulation, with no success. And then we tried 'relax and see what happens' technique (easier said than done). I have also had specialist baby loss counselling which has now ended. I am really hoping the GP can support us tomorrow but with my husbands current health issues, I'm not sure what we can do, hence feeling hopeless about our dreams coming true one day.
I'm sorry for the huge message, I just needed to get my thoughts out my head and share with like minded women. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Just being able to talk about Arthur to other people is cathartic.
If anyone else out there has experienced very pre term labour or PPROMS and has gone on to have healthy full term pregnancies, I would love to hear your stories to rebuild our hope and optimism ❤️