Unreasonable to cancel on this holiday if FET falls on the same dates?

[cancelholsornot]

We’re in the middle of IVF right now and have a few more retrievals scheduled before a transfer, hopefully in April or May, depending on how many embryos we get. There’s also a five-day holiday in May with my in-laws that they’ve already paid for.

I’ve never had a frozen embryo transfer (FET) before, so I’m not totally sure how the timing works. My guess is that, like egg retrievals, it depends on my cycle and isn’t something you can just pick a date for. If the doctor says May 10 is the best day, then that’s when it happens—you don’t just push it to May 20 to fit around other plans. Is that right? Or do you actually get some say in scheduling? (We’re in the U.K.)

The other thing is whether I’m being unreasonable here. My husband thinks we could just move the FET to the next month, but to me, even waiting an extra month feels unbearable. Having a baby is my absolute priority. He also thinks it would be rude to cancel on the holiday his parents paid for and that I’m only considering it because I don’t like them. And yeah, I won’t lie—I don’t. His mum has massively overstepped in the past, including when I was newly pregnant with our first. I even had to ask them to hold off on visiting after the birth to protect my mental health. But in this case, it’s not about that at all. The holiday would only be canceled if the FET actually falls on those dates, not “just in case.” I just want to do whatever gives us the best shot at a successful transfer as soon as possible.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

Posting in Infertility rather than AIBU because I want opinions of people who "get" IVF

Do you have regular cycles? I.e. can you be confident you would be ready to transfer one month later, or do you have something like PCOS where it could be months and months?

If the former, I probably would wait (which I know isn't great to hear). Delaying a month won't hurt your chances.

We are currently preparing for an FET to try for our second, and have decided that we aren't cancelling anything, even though that means transfers will be around 6 months apart. Our reasoning for this is that there is no guarantee it will work in the end, and if it doesn't, we don't want to look back and say we missed out on anything fun with our son whilst trying to have a second. However, this is partially influenced by the fact that we have decided we aren't doing another egg retrieval (we have quite a few left from the first), so there's no issue about wanting to try all of these embryos as quickly as possible in case we need another retrieval.

I can completely understand the burning longing for another baby, but I feel like when it's your second, it does have to work around life with your child - although you say having a baby is an absolute priority, realistically it does come second to your existing child (and I would include not cancelling holidays in that remit(. I can understand why it feels shit to put it off one month for a holiday with your MIL if she has been pretty awful though!

Oh, and your question about scheduling, the norm is to not schedule and just base it around your cycle. However, it is possible to schedule using drugs to delay/induce periods. This is often down by people having treatment abroad, or with anovulatory PCOS. However in my experience, your clinic would be unlikely to provide you with the medication in these circumstances, and would just expect you to wait another month.

IME, it’s best to postpone the transfer. I know the eagerness and impatience to proceed feeling all too well, but that only adds to the stress level.

I planned everything around IVF for 2 years; so looking back, I wish I’d just live normally. Easier said than done..I know..

You’ve already created the embryos, a month isn’t going to change the outcome re. FET. It’s best to go into it as relaxed as possible.

That said, of course you need to consider the other factors (medicated or not? Regular cycles? Is the trip going to relax or stress you out?). Lay out all the pros and cons and make that decision together with your husband.

Also for information, my FET is on day 18 of my cycle.