Too Old, Too Late, What No-one Tells You

[Lunar2020]

I’m hoping I’ve put this in the right section, apologies if not.
I’m 46 and over the last year have realised I would really like to have a baby, just one child.
I’ve never been too worried before as it’s always been the wrong time, the wrong partner and I naively just thought I still had time.
I don’t have many female friends, work in a very male dominated industry, and my Mum passed away young so have never really had any in-depth conversations with anyone about having children, or had anyone to flag up to me that I was running out of time.
I’ve been with my current partner for almost 3 years and he would make the most incredible Dad, he’s also 6 years younger than me. I’m devastated to think that I won’t be able to have a child with him and enable him to be a Dad. It’s clear that when we got together neither of us realised I was very short of or even had run out of time.

I’ve had tests and scans and still ovulating so still an incredibly small chance I may be able to get pregnant, but my ovaries are now small and I’ve been told by medical professionals that it won’t happen at my age. They are also saying because of my age they won’t provide any medication or any kind of support to help me try to get pregnant. They’ve said I’m too old and it would be wasted on me. They’ve said I could pay for private support and possibly things such as IVF but I’d be wasting my time and just giving any private hospital money for nothing.

I’m feel like I’ve really messed up my life and made a huge mistake as I just didn’t know I was running out of time. I’m so upset about this, I just always thought I had time and would be able to have a child when I found the right partner and in a good relationship.

I’m so sorry for such a long post and the drip feed but I don’t have any females in my life to talk to about this.

Sorry you are going through this. Personally I would still go and have a consultation with a private clinic if it’s within your means. My experience is they’ll only advise a course of treatment if they believe it could be successful, they have a moral obligation in this respect. Not to mention that they wouldn’t want to offer treatment if there is no hope due to their success statistics etc. Good luck though with which ever course of action you decide on.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Sometimes due to timing and things that are out of our hands we don't really know what we want or where life will take us with our choices. I think you should go for a private consultation and get all your tests done. And there is always the option of doing it abroad. I've heard from other people about a clinic in Cyprus. X

Get your AMH and FSH tested straight away and have a scan to check your antral follicle count. As in this week or whenever you are next at the start of your cycle. You mentioned already having done some tests - what were the results? Are you newly 46 or nearly 47?

AMH and AFC will give a sense of how many eggs you have. FSH will indicate whether you're perimenopausal and predict response to IVF drugs.

In reality even if you have great results for all of the above the chances are going to be slim because success is primarily dictated by age but it will still be good for you to know asap whether there is essentially no chance or whether it's worth considering a Hail Mary roll of the dice. My grandmother was 45 when she had my mum.

Something to start thinking about is donor eggs. This may be a psychological leap you aren't ready for but after reflexively recoiling at the idea I've suddenly had to start thinking about it as an actual option after my failed first round. I looked at my partner and thought of their little child and knew I'd be able to love it. There are countless painful thoughts and concerns that leap up alongside my tentative consideration but feeling like there are ways it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world feels like the first step of acceptance.

All the best and try not to torment yourself over past choices. All of us are stumbling along making decisions with the information and life context we have at any given moment.

Sorry you are going through this. As the PP said, please don't blame yourself for your past choices. You have made all the past choices because they made sense at the time.

It's definitely harder getting and staying pregnant with our own eggs when we are over 40. (I'm 42 so not that much younger.) But there are still things you can do to improve both your egg quality and follicle count. The book "it starts with the egg" has a lot of great information. And once you start looking, you'll find more things and supplements that may help. Every person is different, so unless you start investigating and experimenting, you won't know how good your own individual chance is.

Of course, at this age the most likely success will still be with donor eggs. This is something I'm considering as well. I started reading about epigenetics, and am learning how much influence the uterus has on a baby even if it's not your own genetics. It's really fascinating. If this is something you might be open to explore, I'd suggest start exploring options for both own egg and donor egg treatments at the same time. The donor egg process can take a while, so even if you don't go straight to it, it helps to start the process early.

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