Am I being foolish / reckless?

[Bobbingaroundthesea]

Long story short:

A couple rounds of IVF, the last failed transfer destroyed me, took me nearly a year to get myself out of the depressive state it left me in and I am still struggling somewhat to see ‘a bright future’ regardless of how I proceed now.

I was 90% certain I was done with IVF as I just felt my body & mind couldn’t take any more, but there was obviously a part of me that knew I may change my mind (when the memories faded and I forgot just how horrid it was) as I continued to pay the storage fees for our one remaining embryo & my DH’s sperm.

I am now 37, and I know 100% that I could not ask for the embryo to be destroyed and that I will want to have that one last chance - but I also know I will 100% not have another full round, I absolutely would not recover from the turmoil of stone, egg collection - and the absolute worst part for me - waiting to see how many embryos survived. Also aware results would likely be even worse with my age now too compared to when I was 34!

So to the point of the thread - I have come to terms with knowing I will transfer the last embryo as I would always regret not having that one last chance, but I am also terrified of going back in to the dark place I was in after the previous failures…. So my current thinking is that I will give myself another couple of years to come to terms with what has happened and strengthen my MH even more & so the transfer just before I turn 40, also ensuring I cannot go back on my decision and ‘go crazy’ obsessing that we need to do another round (sorry - I don’t know how else to put it - I feel like I do go a bit manic during / after IVF)

Am I really foolish to reduce my chances further of our last shot working by transferring it an older age? Should I just put on my big girl pants and transfer this year? I just fear so so so much of my MH declining again as I am already convinced this last embryo will also result in a failure 😢

sorry - it ended up being longer than I meant!

@Bobbingaroundthesea, I really feel for you. Infertility & IVF is incredibly stressful & it is easy to lose yourself in the process. ❤

Are you able to discuss this with your clinic? Maybe they can give you some reassurance. I was told that in terms of IVF success it is the age you are at egg collection that counts more than the age you are at transfer. I have also been told that a pregnancy (IVF or naturally conceived) isn’t considered higher risk until you are over 40.

Hi @PinaColadaJ thanks for replying!

My clinic just keeps kinda ‘pushing’ for me to do something! First they were trying to get me to do 3 back to back rounds and pgta testing prior to transferring the last embryo ‘because of my age’ but I was insisting I wouldn’t be doing another EC so they were then basically saying the sooner the better with the transfer so I still had more options should it fail.

In the end they just said they’d leave my file open until I called them as I think they realised I wasn’t ready yet!

Thats good with the over 40, I know some clinics have age 42 as a cut off (mine does anyway) so I’d still have a couple years to decide, I just wish I could bury my head in the sand with it to be honest 🫣

Sorry to hear this. Only you can make the decision. Definitely don't do anything immediately if you are not ready for it. I do feel for you, not an easy place to be in.

However, if it was me, I'd rather do it now. If it works, you spend the next few years happy with your child, if it doesn't, you can fully start the healing process. Delaying it now until you are 40 might actually be worse for your MH in the long run as it's hanging over you for the next few years, instead of being resolved either way.

Imagine yourself at 40 if you did the FET now - you'd either have your child, or if not, you'd hopefully be feeling more at peace about it.

I agree with @OneWaryCat but I appreciate it's only something you can decide.

Don't forget also that your body might be better equipped to deal with a pregnancy at 37 than 40 if it were successful too.. and you'd be that bit younger a mum.

Thank you both, I really appreciate your responses.
Its also a different way of looking at it, to do it sooner and draw a line either way so I can start to heal