Vulnerable feelings

[Cornish13]

I guess this is just a rant in a space where I know I’ll be understood..

I don’t really talk about my feelings to my friends because I know they don’t understand. However last night I opened up a little bit as one of my other friends had her first baby yesterday so I wasn’t ok. I sent this to my two close friends;

“So you know I said my friend had her baby. It’s hit the feels now. Like I’m happy for her of course I am. And I’ll respond to every message and help her etc. but at the same time I also want the ground to swallow me up and banish me from existence for a little while so I don’t have to be reminded of the hell hole of secondary infertility 🤗”

I didn’t expect much back as I knew they wouldn’t understand my feelings but all I got back was “Yeah if I get pregnant I dread the day telling you I can’t lie”. And this is why I don’t open up or tell anyone about my secondary infertility journey. Because now I feel stupid or the burden. I’d never wish infertility on anyone but it makes me think I wish they experienced it even just for one day to realise how it feels and to know saying stuff like that isn’t ok. I tend to tell them quite a lot of my journey but I think to protect myself and my own feelings I’m going to keep that part of me guarded and no longer discuss it with them at all 😔

Oh my god! I'm so sorry your friend replied to you like this 😵😭

@Lil89 I haven’t responded to her. I don’t really know what to say 😂 it was in a group chat with our other friend who just didn’t respond to me at all. It makes me want to say sorry I make you feel that way but at the same time I’m also not sorry because I’m not sorry for my feelings or what I’m going through. I did say to my partner 2025 is for cutting out toxic people, maybe this can be my first 😂

It's so hard to go through without friends who are supportive, unfortunately mine have been the same so I've noticed I have been quiet too 🥺

Might the other friend in the group chat be pregnant and therefore not know what to say?

Over the years I think infertility has meant I have cut myself off from some friends because they can’t understand (that bit is logical) but they don’t/didn’t make an attempt to say ‘look I don’t know how you feel but I imagine it is tough’.

Everyone is different though and even two people with similar fertility journeys may feel very differently about it. Or two people in a couple will deal with it differently.

It is horrible, I have no answers.

@finiteelement no, she’s a bit older than me and has 2 kids. No judgement but she also had an abortion last year as she didn’t want anymore children so it’s a very slim chance she’s pregnant.

It’s just really hard isn’t it. They’ve been my friend for about 8 years and we’ve all been through quite a bit together but this journey of mine seems to be one I’ll be having without them. I do have my 2 best friends and they’ve been amazing so looks like they’ll be stuck with me 😂

Wow...one word for that friend, starts with 'b', ends in itch 😂. In all honesty, that's really horrible. You've been vulnerable and opened up to them and they've made it all about them. Definitely better off without friends like that. Those feelings are totally normal for someone in our position and two fingers up to anyone who judges us for it. Sending you love xx

Glad you have your 2 best friends, stick with them for support (unless it’s one of them
who has just given birth, don’t lean on her right now).

Some people just can’t or won’t support you through all journeys in life. So you can decide if you want to remain friends/friendly with those people.

DH and I have been through some difficult experiences, and some friends have been helpful but when people have been rubbish it’s mainly been comments re fertility that have stayed with me. It just feels like an extra sensitive topic. It’s bloody hard. It consumes you (well it feels like that at times).

What a horrible and insensitive reply from your so called friend. Even before starting my fertility journey and knowing what it was like I could never imagine sending such a cold and blunt reply like that. Nothing supportive in it just really selfish. So sorry you've experienced that from her. Let's just hope she was in a bad mood and regrets sending it, that it's not actually representative of how she feels. Honestly I'd distance myself from her for a bit unless she's apologises and means it!

’m sorry to hear about your situation. Sometimes, it’s necessary to distance yourself from toxic or unsupportive people for your well-being. I once read a story on this forum about a woman who lost most of her friends after divorcing her first husband. She’s now rebuilding her community and finding more meaningful connections. Life circumstances change, and relationships that once worked may no longer fit your present or future. These transitions can be challenging, but they often lead to improved emotional health and the opportunity to form new, supportive friendships.As the saying goes, when one door closes, another opens. It’s also possible that stepping back may give your friend the space to reflect on her behavior, leading to a more genuine and sincere friendship in the future.

They aren't friends